My self image has exploded and I don't know how to deal with the fall out. I have been sitting here this afternoon unsettled. A storm has rolled in blanketing everything with snow. There is also a faint fog and mist which is giving the day a gloomy feel. It's one of those days you feel a chill and can't quite get warm.
I have been going over a lot of my past. But this time I am looking with different eyes. Now I am seeing all of the different situations as someone who was never liked - just tolerated out of obligation. I have been so stupid. Why did I not see it? People genuinely did not like me. Now I can recall situations where there were signs,... I just didn't see them.
The biggest one being Kirk. The married plumber that lied to get me to date him. I have to be a little unkind to Kirk here. Because it really is important to understand how HE treated women and how I let him. Kirk was a married man with 3 children. Yet,... he was a serial dater. But the women he choose were,... sigh,... how do I put this kindly? He choose his women carefully. He wanted a women who was not as smart as him so she wouldn't 'challenge' him on all his lies. He likes women who are "easily led,.." "easily lied to,..." I want to say 'vulnerable' but am a bit reluctant. They are definitely compromised in that they NEED Kirk to get by. He likes them poor so he can throw money at them to keep them. Remeber he had a wife as well as multiple women on the side. But all the women were 'different'. And because they were different ~ he could control them with his lies and they still loved him. One of his side-girls had the mentality of a 12 to 14 year old girl. Vulnerable and easily led,... strong women would never have put up with his womanizing (and in the end I dropped him but not after years of him jerking me around). Now the reason I talk about the mental age of the women he dates is becasue now I have to wonder if I'm one of them. Not so bright,... easily led,... easily scammed,... easily placated with his lies. Am I an actual 'vulnerable' person? When he met me did he see "yup,... I can easily control this one with my lies" I have always thought of myself as a strong women (or at least I USED to be) but maybe that is all a false narrative in my own head and no one elses. I think I am starting to see the reality of myself. I am not normal. I am one of those women,...
By the way,... what is it that is in people that they need to have multiple lovers in their life even though they are married? When i was married I can honestly say that not once ~ EVER ~ did i even think of cheating on my ex. I took the vow of marriage seriously. So when Kirk didnt' and USED me and it was so casual to him it was new behaviour for me and it took me off guard. In the end,... he wasted years of my life being a selfish married man just wanting to get his rocks off. But to USE women is low,... and I've never understood it. JUST GET DIVORCED if your so unhappy. But heres the thing,... I don't think he was unhappy. Just selfish for multiople women. And I FELL for it. And THAT makes me sad. I thought I was better than that. But maybe not. Maybe I am exactly like one of his women. Lonely,... alone,... vulnerable,... poor,.... willing to overlook the red flags for companionship.
WHY men,.... WHY????? Some of us actually respect marriage.
I rue the day I ever met that man for how he used my lonliness to get what he wanted. I feel shame and embarrassment about anything to do with Kirk. Men like that? Need to just leave single women alone,...
BTW - his new girlfriend called me the day I got back from BC and was in a hotel in Guelph. HOMELESS. Remember Kirk said I could stay with him for a few nights when I got back from BC? But then on the way home from the airport going to his place on a bus ~ he blanked me. Wouldn't answer his phone. Turns out his gf was not pleased. So he was too scared to answer my calls to tell me no. Anyway she called me - as I am homeless in a hotel because KIRK wouldnt answer his phone - and she called me a HOMEWRECKER. You know I barely remember this now as I had so much more going on and I just didn't have the capacity to process this at the time I guess. But now suddenly I'm remembering this. SHE thought it was kind to call me as I am homeless and call me a homewrecker. ???? I hadn't dated him in YEARS now so ???? I guess she thought I wouldnt be able to control myself and jump his bones if I stayed there. LADY I had a few things on my mind then and jumping your boyfrineds bones was NOT goin g to happen. You know I wouldn't have cared if he had said no,... everyone else did. I just would have moved on. But kirk is notorious for not knowing HOW to say no to a woman so he lies and deals with the fall out later. I wished I had never even asked him for help. To have 'sicked' his girlfriend on me at that moment was pretty low. Tells you the kind of people they are. So glad to be rid of Kirk forever. He was nothing but bad news.
But I was with him so what does that make me?
I thought I was a desired woman men wanted but now I see I just had big tits and no brains. And looking back at my single days after my divorce, I can see that men just wanted a booty call and not a relationship so I gave u[ dating a long time ago. There didn't seem to be any men out there who were even interested in a relationship. Buit now,... after my realization,... I can see WHY I only got booty calls.
I am one of those women,... fuckable,... but not lovable.
How sad I couldn't see it for so many years. I'm 62 and I am just seeing it now. I am a 'vulnerable not too bright person that noone likes. Now I look at my past so differently,...
I should have ended my life years ago,... it would have been kinder to be dead than to be laughed at and hated as the 'weird' person in the group noone really wanted there,....
I don't know how to cope with this information,...
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