I am so angry with myself right now. Angry because I didn't have the courage to slit my throat. I sat here for 3 days with a scalpel on the table beside me. And even though I agonized over it I just couldn't bring myself to physically do it. I think the only method for me is fentanyl. Easy,... clean,... peaceful,... quick,... like falling alsleep forever.

So I have started a plan.

I am going without groceries and saving money. I have been living on half the food I usually do so I could put the money away instead. I now have $200. But I need more so I will have to be patient and wait each month to put more aside. It could be summer before I acquire enough.

I will take a taxi to Guelph to the worst part of town. Right by the bus station. I have been in this area and I know it is a bad area for drugs. I will get a motel room for the night. Then I go trolling for fentanyl. It will be easy to get there. But a taxi,... a motel room and the fentanyl itself will cost money. I hate that I will have to wait but if I want to do it right I will have to plan it properly. The last thing I want is to not die and end up back in the psych ward for a few months. So I have to plan every single detail. 

You know whats sad? I am having to save up to die because I'm so poor,...

Just another invisable person who lost their way and faded into death without anyone even knowing or caring because in the end,... I was alone and there was no one too care. 

In the end,... I was just a nobody