Something scary has been happening lately. I am losing my memory. I know you will say it's just me getting old and everyone faces this day eventually. But this is more than old age. Last week I went to warm up a slice of pizza. I put it on broil which is 500*. And then i promptly forgot about it and went outside to the gazebo to smoke a joint. It was twenty minutes before I was back on the elevator and then suddenly remembered. The blood ran from my body leaving me feeling cold. I ran as fast as this broken body would allow after the elevator doors opened. Luckily only the pizza slices had burnt to a crisp but no fire started. This is really unsettling for me. This isn't the first time I have started something and walked away and it has compleely left my mind. This is more than old age memory loss. This is the first stages of dementia. I don't need a doctor to tell me I have started the slow process of losing my mind. It's a terrifying realization. 

Because I have had no luck getting a caregiver, I realize what will happen to me. I will become the dotty old lady in 311 who is wondering the building again,... the woman they found in the parking lot three blocks from where I live with no memeory of who I am or where I was going. With no family or support workers I will turn into the lost soul that wanders and no one knows what to do with. Who wants that? I know I don't. 

The thought has been front row centre in my mind for months now. This is why I am fighting so hard to find a way to end my life. I want to end it HUMANELY through MAiDs but that became unavailable wehn the government put the criteria on hold for three years. My choice to a humane end was taken away from me. I refuse to linger as the old woman who had no one but wandered around,... thats just tragic. Nope,... that is never going to happen. i'm not sure how yet. In general I am not a violent person. i don't watch much violent tv. I have only ever hit one person in my entire life. My best friend B*** when we were 11 years old! The only person I ever wish to harm is myself. I am a self harmer. I cut. But I have tried very hard over the past years to not cut and I have done really well. The problem I have with cutting is I do it when I am overwhelmed. I have been in many situations over the years where I have been in just that situation. Overwhelmed,... but I have been really good at not cutting. But I'm afraid I won't be able to stop now. Now I don't see any reason to stop. i don't have anyone in my life who is going to see it. It feels good to get out the stress and anxiety. And in the end it just might be the thing I am brave enough to do to fianlly end my life. Cut. I have a scalpel I use. It is very, very sharp. It would only take one slip that was just that much too deep and I would finally,... finally find relief,...