It's 9 in the morning. I have actually been up since about 4. I don't sleep a lot anymore. Anxiety,... stress,... my mind just doesn't seem to be able to go quiet anymore.

I woke up really sad. It's been different from other mornings because  I haven't done anything. I have a routine I do everyday. Up,... put coffee on,... bathroom,... drink coffee over laptop for about an hour. Once I'm awake I start my clening routine. Tidy livingroom. Do the dishes. Vacumn. Make my bed and clean the bedroom. I realize that it is probobly a bit much to do this everyday. Especially vacumning. But it's part of my OCD. I just can't start the day until this routine is done. Until my aprtment is clean I can't even have my shower. This means my home and my body are always clean. My OCD dictates it. I just can't relax until the cleaning is done.

But today,... I just can't be bothered. My urge to clean isn't here. I just feel sad. Unmotivated. Infact,... I really do just want to end it all.

Yesteray I was walking home from Freshco. I was stood at the lights waiting for them to change so I coud walk across the street. I saw a big truck coming. Loaded down heavy with logs. I watched it speed twoards the interesection. I wanted to just walk right infront of it. I could almost feel the impact. The immediate pain. But then,... hopefully relief. Nothing. No more pain. I stayed on the sidewalk as it barreled past me. The wind it created blowing around me. I had missed my chance.

But that is all I want right now. If I can't have a family - one that is in my life on a regular basis - then I just don't need to be here anymore. I am erelevant. No longer needed. No longer wanted. Just a body that breaths. But does not thrive.

I am empty inside and only want to die.