This is my day now,... or should I say days,.... plural. Because every morning I wake up is the same as the day before. And the day before that. 

I woke up at 7:45am. Only because housing told us that the workmen will need in my unit today to do some work. So I get up in time so I have atleast washed my face and started coffee before they arrive. HOUSING NEVER EVEN CAME TODAY!!! Do you know how frustrating that is? I could have slept in. And right now,... in this boredom,.... sleep is my best friend. Sleep eats away at the never ending empty hours I have to fill up. Sleep is the only time I am not in pain or bored out of my mind. Sleep is my time-waster.

I then slowly did my everyday routine. Because of my OCD, I do housework every day. I tidy up the apartment. Do the dishes. Make my bed. Vacumn. It used to only take about 1 - 2 hours. But with my pain it can now take up to 4 or 5. And with my deteriorating health it takes so much out of me. I wished my OCD brain would allow me to just let the apartment go but it can't. Cleaning is part of my daily ritual whether I want to do it or not. Today the cleaning took a long time. It was 1:00 before I was done. 

My neighbour down the hall came over for an hour this afternoon for tokes. He makes up my RSO bowls. (The oil I use for pain) He puts a bed of marijuana in the bongs bowl with a drop of RSO oil on the top. I smoke that 3 times in the afternoon and then again just before I go to bed to help maintain the pain of my fibromyalgia. 

But my neighbour has left. It is 4:00pm. 

There is NOTHING TO DO NOW!

I can't walk so can't go anywhere. I am stuck in this apartment. The only things for me to do is watch TV or clean. I have done all of the cleaning so now all that is left is to sit and stare at the tv for the REST OF THE DAY! What is that?,.. about another 8 hours or so???  

I can't do this. The boredom is mind-numbing. The never leaving this apartment has given me a bad case of cabin fever. My fuse is short. My temper at a boil just below the surface. I feel a bit like a caged animal. I want to pace back and forth. It's like I have all this pent-up energy festering away inside of me. Needing to be expended but there is no release. So instead my anxiety sores and my depression envelopes me. My stomach feels like someone is squeezing it in their fist. I can never get rid of that feeling. That tightness,... So uncomfortable.

So I now sit. Watching re-runs of a handful of sitcoms. Why I watch these shows over and over again is strangely comforting to me. I have no family in my life. I have no hussle-n-bussle going around me of people. My life is empty. Quiet. Alone. Isolated. There is a small group of people that I share it with. Not nearly enough to call "a life". So I find myself turning on sitcoms to just see and hear the characters I know so well. Big Bang Theory,... Grey's Anatomy,.... Modern Family,.... Coronation Street,... Mom,.... I have been watching these shows for YEARS! I think I just find them comforting. Like having friends or family over to keep  me company. I have no one to talk to but my old cat Maggie. These characters are like my family. I think about this and realize just how sad that sounds. I have no friends or family except TV characters. THEY are who help me pass the time away every day. THEY are the only ones who were consistently in my life over the past few years when I struggled so much alone. THEY were there,... No one else was. But how sad,.... how so very sad,... that I think of these imaginary characters as friends. 😞

How am I ever going to get through another day like this one?