My entire income consists of two things. CPP and ODSP (Ontario Disability) and together they add up to the whopping $1228.00 a month I have to try and live on. It's poverty. It's a shit life of nothing but always needing more,..
Yesterday my CPP went up $48.00. I was excited. Thats not a lot to most people, but to me it is a week of groceries. But then I discovered that ODSP went in and saw I got a raise from CPP so they DEDUCTED their amount so I still only get $1228.00 a month. They will not ALLOW us to make more than that a month. It's inhumane.
So they give me a raise on one hand,... but they took it right back on the other,....
I am being controlled and pushed down into poverty and they have made it so there is NO WAY for me to get ahead. It isn't allowed. I am so discouraged and depressed and angry. And theres not a DAMN thing I can do about it because I am at the bottom and no one cares.
And then theres this,.....
All my life all I have ever wanted was children. It took 5 years and fertility drugs to finally get my two daughters Michelle and Hayley in 1991 and 1994. They were my whole life. I was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it. So when my ex took them away after I went into a psychiatric hospital after a breakdown,... I never really got better. How can you get better when the sole reason for your existence has been taken away. Not by authorities,.. they weren't even involved. It was my rich ex having a great lawyer and me not having the money to get anything but legal aid. Obviously I lost in a very big way. I lost my children forever. And since they lived the remainder of their lives in their fathers home,... well,... lets just say I don't think I was talked about in a very positive way. I have no 'emotional' conection to my girls anymore. That left the day they were stolen from me.
Michelle had a daughter last year. I was not allowed to be a part of that. So I had to watch from afar with a devastated heart as her father and step-mother got to have all the joy of a new grandchild. I was purposelly left out. That was so devastating I still haven't gotten over it.
And now,... I learn,... my youngest daughter Hayley has just found out she is pregnant. But her situation is not ideal and she will NOT be keeping this baby. The one and only thing I live for in this life ~ a grandchild ~ and again I will not get to feel the joy of holding a newborn baby that is my grandchild. And I'm not even allowed to have a negative opinion on this as the bottom line is it is NOT my pregnancy and it is NOT my decision or even my business what she does with this baby. I totally understand her predicament. She is newly sober coming off of a terrible fentynl addiction. Only 6 months sober. Her boyfriend is over 50 and does not want more children. I can see how this child is not ideal for them right now. But,.... my heart breaks,... the reason I have been hanging on all these years is the hope that someday I would have a family. Daughters who actually want me in their life and VISIT OFTEN! Christmases and Thanksgiving with children. But that is never going to happen now. My life will continue to be empty.
And THIS is the reason I want to end it. My life is so hard to begin with. But when there is no joy in your life, then why go through the grind of the everyday struggle of pain and poverty?
Nope,... I have made my decision and one way or the other I will be ending my life this year. Whether through MAiDs or by my own hand,...
Sad,... how very, very sad,....
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