I don't feel any connection to any person on this planet. Not even my dna family. It's the lonliest feeling in the world. I miss so much,...  I miss touch. I miss being around other human beings. I miss my family. God, how I miss my family. Over the past 5 years my world got smaller and smaller. People leaving my life in droves,... so that here I am now,... completely on my own and so lonely it's a physical ache deep inside my being.

This is going to sound pathetic. But I have so little interaction with the "outside world" that I sometimes forget what communicating directly with others feels like. I have been solving my own problems,.. soothing my own hurts for so long I don't know how to react when someone finally does show me concern. I don't know why I am thinking about this but it has crossed my mind a few times since I got hit by the car last February. After I was hit and I was lying on the ground,... it took a minute or two for people to connect with me. So I literally just shut my eyes and kind of whimpered. Not even a cry. It wasn't until an off-duty fireman took over that I felt safe. I remember his whole being was focused on just me. Nothing else in the world mattered to him at that point in time except making sure I was ok. He kneeled over me holding my neck in position and he talked to me. His whole complete focus was just on me. And he stayed the whole time I was on the ground which I don't know how long that was but I am thinking about 20 minutes? And in that time I can remember feeling weird that anyone was focused on me. JUST me. I even said to him something like "wow,... I feel so special getting all this attention" because in my isolated world I don't get human touch or concern from anyone anymore. This was new to me and therfore I almost felt uncomfortable being the centre of everyones attention. And it gave me a sad pause,... because all this care and attention and concern is so blatantly missing in my life right now. When I have a crisis in my life I just know to deal alone and take care of it myself. I have been doing that since the year 2000. For nearly 25 years I have made my own decisions,... I have physiaclly and mentally taken care of myself. There isn't anyone else in my life to do it so I have no choice but to just "deal" and get on with it. But rarely is there a comforting shoulder to cry on while doing it. I have learned to "soothe" myself over the years. The solution to this soothing wasn't always healthy but I did what I did to get through the situations I have had to face in my life. After years of this you learn to not feel anymore. You learn to become numb and that is your protection. I know this is my life so I don't expect a lot of care from people. There isn't anyone around anymore to care,... so I just get on with it.

So I felt rather vulnerable when this off-duty firefighter put so much effort into just me. I almost felt embarrassed. Like a fraud. No no sir,... your mistaken. I am not worth your concern and bother. I just help myself all the time,... I did not feel worthy of all this attention. I certainly wasn't used to it and felt a bit awkward like I was wasting everyones time. I try and make myself as small to this world as I can to be as little of a burden as I can. And this felt like I didn't deserve it. An ambulance,... fire truck,... police,... all for me? I couldn't help thinking that when the dust settled they would realize. Waste of time,.... she wasn't hurt that bad and shes just faking it,.... waste of time,.... So I just tried to stay as less of a nuisance that I could. I am fine,... I am fine ... I am fine,... just let me go home. Just let me fade into the background and disappear. There are real sick people here. Go tend to the ones who really need you. So I slunk back home into my isolated pit and fended for myself. Alone,... alone,... alone,... and it broke me. And here we are almost 6 months later and I have become agoraphobic and suicidal. As i write this I sit here and wish my life to end.

I can't bear this lonliness and no connection to anyone anymore,... It has made me shut down. Leaving me an angry and depressed empty soul.

Why couldn't anyone else be like that fireman? Seeing me as someone who is worthy of care? Well,... I do know the answer to that and it's too sad to think about. That fireman was just doing his job. That makes me feel so sad. That it took me getting hit by a car to finally feel such care and attention from another human being,... but in the end,... just like my real life,... even those heros faded out and left me alone once again.

I have made myself a solemn vow that I will not see my 61st birthday. By the time September 7th arrives,... I hope to be long dead and buried and finally have peace. Because isolation and being alone is soul destroying and I just can't bear it any longer. 

I am so angry today. I don't want to be here,... i did not want to wake up today,... I wanted to die in my sleep to fianlly feel peace.

But I woke up. My body is full of anxiety today. It is causing me to feel very uncomfortable. My nerves are shot and I cant bear it.

I feel like I am going to lose it and take my scalpel and slit my throat. Because I just cant stand being alive anymore,... 

I just need to be DEAD,.....

This feeling I feel inside me is unbearable,...

I have to make it go away,...

Fuck you world

I am completely despondant now. My mind is nothing but tortured and all I want is relief.

From here on in my one and only goal will be to DIE. Hanging,... suffocation,... jumping into the gorge,... I dont' care now. I just want to be GONE,... gone,... gone,....

I shouted for help,... none came.

Not one person on this planet cares whether I live or die

So let me just die

Today is the day I put all my efforts inot dying

 This is just a purge,... I just need to get this off my chest but i dont' want Kirk to read this as it would hurt him.

I have to talk about this. Kirk. I had the opportunity to go to his home a few months back. I was shocked. He is a hoarder. A REAL hoarder. I walked into his home and the first thing that hit me was the smell. Mildew,... stale urine,... and looking around I had to forcefully NOT show how I felt in my facial expresion. Because I had never seen anyone live like this before. Not in real life. I have on tv on the hoarding shows,  but never seen it up close and real. Nothing had been washed. The walls,... the doors,... every surface in that house had a build up of grime on it. YEARS of grime on it,...I couldn't help noticing the fridge door was black with dirt. I have a germ phobia with my OCD and this was way too much for me. I kept my feelings hidden as he gave me a tour of his home. He has not looked after a thing in the 30 years he has been in that home. Some of the floors were particle board!! The place wasn't even finished!! This place,... and I feel bad saying it,... is a dump. You could not PAY me to live there. It is unhygenic. And to know he raised his family of his wife and 3 children in that place is shocking to me. No child should ever have to live in those conditions. It was horrible.

It really changed my perspective of Kirk. I have only ever known him in my enviroment as he was married so we always hung out here at my apartment. I knew he was one of those people who didn't fix things and was cheap and bought shitty stuff like cars because hes too cheap to buy good stuff. The cars he buys have something wrong with them. We almost had a blow out of one of the tires when he took me out last time. I never felt safe in any of his vehicles except his work truck. Everything else was cheap and seemed to run on a wing and a prayer. That man hated spending money on what he should have.

I'm very confused about Kirk. He let his family grow up in squallor. Thats the only word I can think of to use for his home. Yet,... he spent freely on the women he 'dated'. I know this for a fact as he spoiled me rotten with buying shit for me over the years when he was trying so desperately to gaslight me into staying together. Big ticket items. A bed,... a computer screen,... a tv,... I mean I just had to ask and he bought it for me. So I used to think of him as generous. Rich even,... But now that I have seen how he made his family grow up - I am appalled. He did not spend one penny of his money on his home or his family. He spent his money on his women. And I know he is broke. From when we tried to be together he couldn't even come up with first and last months rent as he is BROKE! His house should be condemned and bulldozed down to the ground it is in such deplorable conditions. So where is all his money? He has worked at a great job all of his life but has NOTHING to show for it. And I know why,... as he spent all of his money on HIS HAREM of women. 

I cannot respect a man who does this to his family. His poor wife spent her married life sharing him with numerous other women. And now to learn that he left his family in horading squallor to do it?? I just have no respect for that. NO RESPECT AT ALL. And THIS is the real reason I told Kirk I no longer wish to remain friends. It is NOT because he went MIA and didn't text me. That was just an excuse so I didn't have to tell him the real reason which is I cannot respect a man who literally LIVES IN FILTH! It's not healthy or acceptable. And to allow his children to grow up in that enviorment?? NO RESPECT! I mean you have to see this place to get it,... 30 years of hoarding and NOT CLEANING IT AT ALL ~ EVER! It is grime on top of grime on top of grime,... and it SMELLS! Deplorable to live in and I feel horrible that his children had to grow up in that. 

Kirk is not the man he said he is. He is selfish for spending his families money on his women and leaving his family at home to rot in filth. NO RESPECT FOR THAT AT ALL. And seeing his house changed my feelings for him instantly. No one who is in their right mind and sane can live in that filth and squallor. And more to the point,... make his CHILDREN grow up in that was inhumane. i will never be talking with this man ever again. he is a womanizing selfish prick. And he lives in absolute FILTH!