I have just spent the past 10 minutes a puddle on the floor. I can't take anymore.

I am going downtown to find fentynl and I am ending my life. I am NOT COMING HOME UNTIL I HAVE FOUND SOME

Today i was suppose to have a treat out. My friend Becky came to pick me up and take me out to lunch. But I ended up having a meltdown and she had to bring me back home. I just couldn't hold it together. 

I have no one to talk to and no one supporting me. And I think this is what has happened to make me finally break down. I am dealing with all this stress and I have no one to talk to about it. I just blog. I dont' actually talk to anyone. I have tried to get my daughter here but she is just too busy. 

I AM SO FUCKING ALONE

The absolute only goal I have right now is to find a way to end my life.

I am fucking miserable.

 I am despondent. My whole body is numb. I don't want to speak. I don't want to be,....

I want nothing more than to end my life today. I cannot take this emotional and physical pain any longer. I just don't know HOW to do it. I looked up injecting air into your veins but that doesn't seem feasable. I know jumping off the Elora Gorge bridge will work but having been there to do it once before i know how terrifying that would be. It's a very long way down. I will die,... but do I have the guts to actually jump????  I know fentanly is my best answer but finding it is the problem. I am not a drug addict. I don't know the first thing about buying drugs. I vape weed but I buy it - legally - on the internet. Fentynal is a whole different ballgame. But the emotional pain I am feeling right now has become unbearable. 

My stomach has turned into a hard ball that just gets tighter and tighter every day. It is as if someone is squeezing my insides in their fist. I cannot relax. And sometimes this feeling is unbearable.

I wake up ANGRY and in pain. Emotionally and physically. I am alone all the time. The lonliness makes you mad. I dont' speak with anyone for days and days,... I don't touch anyone for months. I bet i get 6 hugs a YEAR!!!!!! No human contact at all. Always,... always,.... alone.

PLEASE,.... please God I am begging you to Please,.... let me go,.... the pain of being alive has become unbearable,..... Please just let me go,......

I just want to be dead.  

 Empty pantry,....

Empty fridge,....

Empty life,.... 

nothing left to stay for 

 It's 9 in the morning. I have actually been up since about 4. I don't sleep a lot anymore. Anxiety,... stress,... my mind just doesn't seem to be able to go quiet anymore.

I woke up really sad. It's been different from other mornings because  I haven't done anything. I have a routine I do everyday. Up,... put coffee on,... bathroom,... drink coffee over laptop for about an hour. Once I'm awake I start my clening routine. Tidy livingroom. Do the dishes. Vacumn. Make my bed and clean the bedroom. I realize that it is probobly a bit much to do this everyday. Especially vacumning. But it's part of my OCD. I just can't start the day until this routine is done. Until my aprtment is clean I can't even have my shower. This means my home and my body are always clean. My OCD dictates it. I just can't relax until the cleaning is done.

But today,... I just can't be bothered. My urge to clean isn't here. I just feel sad. Unmotivated. Infact,... I really do just want to end it all.

Yesteray I was walking home from Freshco. I was stood at the lights waiting for them to change so I coud walk across the street. I saw a big truck coming. Loaded down heavy with logs. I watched it speed twoards the interesection. I wanted to just walk right infront of it. I could almost feel the impact. The immediate pain. But then,... hopefully relief. Nothing. No more pain. I stayed on the sidewalk as it barreled past me. The wind it created blowing around me. I had missed my chance.

But that is all I want right now. If I can't have a family - one that is in my life on a regular basis - then I just don't need to be here anymore. I am erelevant. No longer needed. No longer wanted. Just a body that breaths. But does not thrive.

I am empty inside and only want to die.

 I am back. This will be my new home from now on. Too many people found my Coffee Confessions blog on WordPress and it became compromised. I was having to watch what I write so as not to offend or hurt anyone. Thats not writing,.... thats placating,.... and the purpose of this blogging is to VENT! Purge! Say everything you need to say to get it off your chest. Writing has been my Godsend. My therapist.

I had that WordPress blog for 17 years. Seventeen years of all my thoughts and feelings ~ gone. All because the kid down the hall couldn't control his anger and took out revenge on me telling everyone who lives in this building about my blog. COMPROMISED. I really do feel quite sad about it. That blog was like my friend. Always there when I needed it. And I always felt better after writing in it. It has been my one constant over the past 17 years of a difficult and turbulent time. It was the only thing that didn't leave me,.... until now. :(

I don't know how has the address to this blog anymore,... I don't care. I know it's no one from my prestent in the past 5 years so thats ok with me. It's just Ontario Housing and the people who live in this building that I have to keep this away from. And none of the above mentioned even know about this old blog.

And so today we start over,.....