I really am heading into the end. My life has become unbearable.

My days are filled with nothing. Hours and hours of nothing. I can't walk so I can't go out and do anything. Instead I spend my time watching tv. I can't even read as I don't have any reading glasses anymore.

Up until now my neighbour down the hall comes to my apartment evey day and we smoke weed. Me for the pain and him because it's his life. I would LOVE to give it all up. I find it really disgusting. Dirty. And what it does to my lungs! Each bong rip hurts my lungs now and I cough inscessantly. I really do want to give it up forever. But I have no other medication for the pain so I put up with it. 

But I find my days so long and empty that if I were to give it up I would quite literally have nothing to do at all during the day. If anything it passes the time.

But heres the problem,... 

My neighbour ~ the guy who lives down the hall from me ~ comes to my apartment every day for tokes. But he is a rager. Overall he is a nice guy. We pool our food and eat together because if we didn't we probobly wouldn't have enough to eat individually. Every day he comes though, he is in a foul mood and rages. I mean raises his voice and rages over every little thing. When he is on his phone he is yelling,... "Oh my God,... work,... what the fuck are you doing,... omg,... stop freezing,..... fuck off!" all because his phone didn't do what he wanted it to. He is a yeller and does it often. Everytime he raises his voice and rages it triggers me. My anxiety starts. I feel like someone is taking their hand and squeezing my stomach tight. A few weeks ago he got so loud I actually had to leave my own apartment. I was so uncomfortable. What he doesn't understand is,... he may just be letting off steam and yelling, but I don't know that. How do I know he isn't going to start throwing stuff around. MY stuff. he does in his own apartment all the time.So it is possible he could lose it and start throwing. His temper is awful and it scares me. I have a temper and rage too. But I only do it in my own apartment when I am alone. I am very aware that no one wants to hear me lose it. I ONLY get angry in my own home.

It's gotten so bad that I have stopped texting him to come over. He used to come over twice a day but I have been weaning that down to once a day. The problem is, without his visit my day is very, very, very long. It's not easy trying to fill a day with nothing. So I guess I figure being with someone for a few hours a day at least helps pass the time. But his raging is getting worse and I am very uncomfortable with it. 

I have to choose. A long empty day of nothing and lonliness? Or break up the day with a visit from my neighbour who leaves me feeling anxiety and very uncomfortable in my own home. 

I am not afraid of my neighbour. He would never hurt me. I just get upset with his constant yelling and raging. 

This is my life I guess. Pick the lesser of the two evils.

But never get what I want or need.

So I have decided that I am going to end my life. There is nothing of any value for me anymore. No family. No holidays. Just poverty and pain.

I have my date,... So unless someone comes riding in on their white horse and saves me from this life of poverty and Ontario Housing and social assistance,.... then theres no need for me to be here anymore.I have no value to anyone. I know this because not one person has come forward from my family to help. Not one. (Only my friends who are not responsible for me ~ sadly only they care)

If you can save me and take me away from shitty life NOW is the time. Becasue I won't be here later,....