Today is my daughter Michelle's 32nd birthday. She was not my first child. She is my third child to be born. My first two,... Shawn and Ian,... died a few days after birth. Their death sent me into a grief I nearly didn't recover from. But 14 months after the twins birth and death I had Michelle.

I was a stay-at-home Mom so this child was my whold world. 

But of course things didn't turn out as planned. Both my daughters were taken from me after I had a mental health breakdown and ended up in Peel Memorial Hospital psychiatric unit. While I was in there, my ex husband removed my girls from my home and took them to his own home to live with him and his new girlfriend. I had NO CHOICE in this decision. I was locked up with no rights. When I got out,... they were gone. I never got them back.

So losing children is a huge trigger in my life. All I ever wanted was children. But in the end,... they were all taken away from me leaving me alone. I have no idea what their father told them when he removed them. I just know they were taken and I didn't see them again for over 2 years. They never did live with me again. It was only short (obligatory) visits.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't Childrens aid that came in. No one of authority at all was involved. It was just my ex with a good lawyer and me locked up with no lawyer. While I was still in the hospital he took the kids because HE COULD! I was NOT a bad mother. I was SICK. So in the name of mental illness my children were taken from me and I never got them back.

I also lost my relationship with my girls. After the 2 years passed that I finally got to see them,... they barely knew me. I was devastated. The whole reason I was put on this planet ~ was to be a Mom ~ and I was never going to get to be one again.

So I have spent the last 23 years alone. Without my children. And every year that passed they grew closer to their Dad and step-mom and furthur and furthur from me. I was never invited to family events. I was ignored. Left out. 

I can't get past this. I have tried. But when no one even validates that having your children taken from you was wrong,... what am I suppose to think? My own brother wrote an affadavit stating I was not a fit mother and should never have my children back. I CAN NEVER FORGIVE MY BROTHER FOR THIS. He only did it because he was friends with my ex at the time. He was HELPING HIM!! My brother G**n and I had spent very little time together so he had no idea the relationship I had with my children. HE LIED TO THE COURTS for my ex. 

I am going to set the record strait. I have never hit my children or abused them in any way. Infact,... up until then I had never even yelled at them, And again for the record I WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER HAVE HURT MY CHILDREN. People with depression do not hurt their children. My ex used my breakdown to remove my children from my home FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT. And he got away with it. I was thrown away for having mental illness and a breakdown. For fucks sake it was 2003 ~ not the Victorian era. HOW DOES ANYONE LOSE THEIR CHILDREN FOR DEPRESSION IN THIS DAY AND AGE? It happens when your ex is selfish and only wants the kids for himself and uses the situation to completely BAN ME from my own children. 

I cannot tell you the damage this has done to me.

And today,... Michelle celebrates her 32nd birthday. Without me. Because I am a monster that is not wanted and I was told in no uncertain terms that I am horrible and she wants nothing to do with me. The helplessness and the devastation this has caused me is probobly going to be fatal. Because now that she has had her own child and banned me from her too,.... my heart just doesn't want to bother going on. 

A mother lives for her children. Without my family (Michelle and her family) I just don't see a point in carrying on. 

While all my old friends are enjoying thier retirements with their families,..I am alone. I spend holidays and birthdays alone because my family doesn't want me to celebrate with them. The step-mom gets all the glory now. And I am a nobody.

My life has been a complete failure. 

Lonliness is nothing but torture,...

I am angry. I woke up at 8 this morning ~ ANGRY.

This is no way to live. I did all my chores and it's only noon. I now have to face the rest of the day with nothing to do but stare at the tv.

I can't do this anymore,..... This is not a life,.... This is a punishment,......

I just need to end this fucking ride,.....

Givith on one hand and taketh away on the other

My entire income consists of two things. CPP and ODSP (Ontario Disability) and together they add up to the whopping $1228.00 a month I have to try and live on. It's poverty. It's a shit life of nothing but always needing more,..

Yesterday my CPP went up $48.00. I was excited. Thats not a lot to most people, but to me it is a week of groceries. But then I discovered that ODSP went in and saw I got a raise from CPP so they DEDUCTED their amount so I still only get $1228.00 a month. They will not ALLOW us to make more than that a month. It's inhumane.

So they give me a raise on one hand,... but they took it right back on the other,....

I am being controlled and pushed down into poverty and they have made it so there is NO WAY for me to get ahead. It isn't allowed. I am so discouraged and depressed and angry. And theres not a DAMN thing I can do about it because I am at the bottom and no one cares. 

And then theres this,.....

All my life all I have ever wanted was children. It took 5 years and fertility drugs to finally get my two daughters Michelle and Hayley in 1991 and 1994. They were my whole life. I was a stay-at-home Mom and loved it. So when my ex took them away after I went into a psychiatric hospital after a breakdown,... I never really got better. How can you get better when the sole reason for your existence has been taken away. Not by authorities,.. they weren't even involved. It was my rich ex having a great lawyer and me not having the money to get anything but legal aid. Obviously I lost in a very big way. I lost my children forever. And since they lived the remainder of their lives in their fathers home,... well,... lets just say I don't think I was talked about in a very positive way. I have no 'emotional' conection to my girls anymore. That left the day they were stolen from me. 

Michelle had a daughter last year. I was not allowed to be a part of that. So I had to watch from afar with a devastated heart as her father and step-mother got to have all the joy of a new grandchild. I was purposelly left out. That was so devastating I still haven't gotten over it.

And now,... I learn,... my youngest daughter Hayley has just found out she is pregnant. But her situation is not ideal and she will NOT be keeping this baby. The one and only thing I live for in this life ~  a grandchild ~ and again I will not get to feel the joy of holding a newborn baby that is my grandchild. And I'm not even allowed to have a negative opinion on this as the bottom line is it is NOT my pregnancy and it is NOT my decision or even my business what she does with this baby. I totally understand her predicament. She is newly sober coming off of a terrible fentynl addiction. Only 6 months sober. Her boyfriend is over 50 and does not want more children. I can see how this child is not ideal for them right now. But,.... my heart breaks,... the reason I have been hanging on all these years is the hope that someday I would have a family. Daughters who actually want me in their life and VISIT OFTEN! Christmases and Thanksgiving with children. But that is never going to happen now. My life will continue to be empty.

And THIS is the reason I want to end it. My life is so hard to begin with. But when there is no joy in your life, then why go through the grind of the everyday struggle of pain and poverty?

Nope,... I have made my decision and one way or the other I will be ending my life this year. Whether through MAiDs or by my own hand,... 

Sad,... how very, very sad,....

This is my day now,... or should I say days,.... plural. Because every morning I wake up is the same as the day before. And the day before that. 

I woke up at 7:45am. Only because housing told us that the workmen will need in my unit today to do some work. So I get up in time so I have atleast washed my face and started coffee before they arrive. HOUSING NEVER EVEN CAME TODAY!!! Do you know how frustrating that is? I could have slept in. And right now,... in this boredom,.... sleep is my best friend. Sleep eats away at the never ending empty hours I have to fill up. Sleep is the only time I am not in pain or bored out of my mind. Sleep is my time-waster.

I then slowly did my everyday routine. Because of my OCD, I do housework every day. I tidy up the apartment. Do the dishes. Make my bed. Vacumn. It used to only take about 1 - 2 hours. But with my pain it can now take up to 4 or 5. And with my deteriorating health it takes so much out of me. I wished my OCD brain would allow me to just let the apartment go but it can't. Cleaning is part of my daily ritual whether I want to do it or not. Today the cleaning took a long time. It was 1:00 before I was done. 

My neighbour down the hall came over for an hour this afternoon for tokes. He makes up my RSO bowls. (The oil I use for pain) He puts a bed of marijuana in the bongs bowl with a drop of RSO oil on the top. I smoke that 3 times in the afternoon and then again just before I go to bed to help maintain the pain of my fibromyalgia. 

But my neighbour has left. It is 4:00pm. 

There is NOTHING TO DO NOW!

I can't walk so can't go anywhere. I am stuck in this apartment. The only things for me to do is watch TV or clean. I have done all of the cleaning so now all that is left is to sit and stare at the tv for the REST OF THE DAY! What is that?,.. about another 8 hours or so???  

I can't do this. The boredom is mind-numbing. The never leaving this apartment has given me a bad case of cabin fever. My fuse is short. My temper at a boil just below the surface. I feel a bit like a caged animal. I want to pace back and forth. It's like I have all this pent-up energy festering away inside of me. Needing to be expended but there is no release. So instead my anxiety sores and my depression envelopes me. My stomach feels like someone is squeezing it in their fist. I can never get rid of that feeling. That tightness,... So uncomfortable.

So I now sit. Watching re-runs of a handful of sitcoms. Why I watch these shows over and over again is strangely comforting to me. I have no family in my life. I have no hussle-n-bussle going around me of people. My life is empty. Quiet. Alone. Isolated. There is a small group of people that I share it with. Not nearly enough to call "a life". So I find myself turning on sitcoms to just see and hear the characters I know so well. Big Bang Theory,... Grey's Anatomy,.... Modern Family,.... Coronation Street,... Mom,.... I have been watching these shows for YEARS! I think I just find them comforting. Like having friends or family over to keep  me company. I have no one to talk to but my old cat Maggie. These characters are like my family. I think about this and realize just how sad that sounds. I have no friends or family except TV characters. THEY are who help me pass the time away every day. THEY are the only ones who were consistently in my life over the past few years when I struggled so much alone. THEY were there,... No one else was. But how sad,.... how so very sad,... that I think of these imaginary characters as friends. 😞

How am I ever going to get through another day like this one?

 I am back,... moving over to this blog to feel safer with my thoughts,.....

Because of all the media I did,... too many people were on my blog and I was beginning to feel like I had to watch what I was writing. Here,... I don't have a clue who reads it. This blog is so old I can't remember when I started it let alone who actually knows it exists. I'm hoping just a handful of my "mental" friends. The ones who get me and don't judge. The other blog was getting too popular and "The Happy Shiny People" were now reading it. I didn't feel free to voice my true feelings with them as my audience. Right now,... "Happy Shiny People" are my enemy. 

To sum up,...

My health has deterieroted so badly over the past year that I am now pretty much an invalid. My pain has become so great I cn no longer walk more than 20 or 30 feet before I have to collapse in pain. I can't even stand anymore without pain so I am finding everyday tasks impossible to do anymore. basic tasks like cooking,... cleaning,... laundry,.... It is all just too painful to do anymore. I have come to a point in my life where I am unable to look after myself anymore. I need a caregiver to come in and help me now. But because I am on ODSP (Ontario Disability) and make so little I live in poverty,... I cannot afford help.

So I am suffering. I can't cook anymore (too much standing - very painful) so I am now living off of milk and cereal. I never leave this apartment anymore either. Walking takes up too much energy and is too painful so I am forced to be a hermit. Stuck in these 4 walls 23/7. I am bored out of my mind and cabin fever is slowly setting in. No one ever comes to visit me. So I am alone. And very, very lonely. 

So I wrote this as my last blog post on "Coffee Confessions":

https://jacquierose.wordpress.com/2023/01/20/looking-for-an-end/?preview=true