Today has been the worst day yet. 

DON'T want to be here

Just feel totally hollow

I AM NOTHING

M******* was suppose to come and pick me up and drive me back to Barrie today for Thanksgiving. But that is a 6 - 8 hour round trip and I just can't let her do that. WAY too much driving just so I can have dinner there. I feel like such a burden. If I need anything,... I have to put others out. I can't do anything for myself so I have to rely on the good nature of others to help. It makes me feel like a FUCKING BURDEN!

For me to live - I have to rely on others. I can't accept that. I have some pride. 

I need kitty litter. I can't get it myself. I don't have a car. So now I have to phone someone and ask for their help. To the point where all I feel like I do is ask people for help. I am a MOOCH. I am THAT person now. The one who only phones when they need something. 

I am a burden!!!!!

THAT is why I have cut everyone out of my life now. Because I would rather have people think of me as a bitch who ignored them ~ than be THAT person who is the mooch. I'd rather be alone than have people think of me as the mooch.

So good-bye Michelle,... Hayley,.... and anyone else in my life who USED to be in it. You have all been banished to a life where you no longer have to deal with my "issues" anymore. You have all been set free,...

And as usual,.... I am left alone to cope and struggle alone as I always have.

But at least I will fail alone and not bring anoyne down with me,

I hate you world. I hate what you have done to me. I hate how I am nothing but a loser and a mooch.

I AM A FUCKING BURDEN!!!!!!!!

I can feel myself giving up,... again,....

Today has been a bad day. It's damp and foggy outside. My body is in pain. I can barely walk. I have spent most of the day stoned playing my computer game. It's a sad life. I bought mushrooms yesterday. "Golden teacher". I've never done mushrooms before. I have been reading up on them so I am not going into this impulsively. Marijanna is good. But I have developed a tolerance for it now. I barely get high anymore and it's not helping the pain like it used to. I need something more.

I just don't want to be sober anymore. It's too sad. Every day I wake up to the same nothingness. Theres nothing to look forward to. Just more hours to try and fill. More things to find to distract your mind. But it's not working. It's not enough. I need more. 

I just want to float inside my head with nothing but nothingness. Life is just too hard now. I can't escape it physically,... So I guess I have to escape it mentally.  The beauty of it is, I don't even care if I die. That would just be an added bonus. My real plan of course is to get my hands on some fentanyl and take a fatal hot shot. Quick. But where does one find this drug? I live in a small town. I know it's here somewhere but I'm not in that culture so I wouldn't know where to start looking. But I will figure it out. If I have to hang around the worst apartment complex in town I will,... If I have to hitch a ride into Guelph and find it there,... I will. I am determined. I WILL find some. (and feel free to help me if you can,...)

But in the meantime,... I am just not willing to endure this world sober anymore. It's just too damn sad. So everyday I vape,... smoke,... bong,... dab,... whatever I can get my hands on. Whatever and however much I can take,.... I just need to always remain high.

 I've made a decision tonight,....

I am no longer helping myself. I am no longer accepting any help from anyone . Not the food bank. Not transportation. No one. If I can't do it for myself,... buy it for myself,... then I won't have it.

I'm done being fucking humiliated going cap in hand to others just to live. So I am no longer going to do it. If I can't afford it,... I don't buy it. (Food) If I can't walk there. I don't go. No more phoning volunteers just to get a god damn ride to appointments. No more going to the food bank to see what I am allowed to eat that month. (By the way,... you don't even get a months wortth of food) No more going to ANY medical appointments. If I can't walk there. I don't go anymore. I'm not asking one more person to help me.

I am NOBODY's fucking burden. If I can't live independently without help. Then I guess I just starve to death.

And I have been told I cannot die. Well,... nice of you to forbid me this while you all sit in your ivory cages. FINE! You won't let me die. Then I do NOTHING to help myself live.

NO MORE BLOOD PRESSURE medication. No more doctors appointments. No more tests. No more drugs. No more nothing. I will do NOTHING to lift a finger to help myself live another fucking minute in this life I hate. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. So the quickest way to die is to just get so sick and frail and hungry that you perish. And therefore that is exactly what I plan to do.

No more help.

This world thinks I'm good enough to throw away for $1,169.00 a month? That I don't matter? That I don't deserve to be independent? That just because I am SICK then I'm not important enough? Then don't expect me to hang around in this prison you have made me. I'd rather starve to death than let my care be reliant on the generosity of others. If I can't care for myself? Then I just don't get care at all,.... Until I die.

And because of this,... I have cut every single person out of my life. Why? Because I am going down. And I'd rather do it alone with no one watching. I have cut out Michelle and Hayley. Everyone! Because I do have some pride. No one is going to watch me disintigrate into a nothing that society threw away. Like always,... I will do it alone.