What a roller coaster life I have,…
The ups and downs of my moods control my life. After coming
out of a bad patch the last month I started to feel a lot better this past
week. I was getting out, seeing my family, and even getting some housework done
again. But then today I crashed. As anyone who reads this blog knows, my
medications play havoc with my sleep pattern. When I take them
properly,… I can sleep for 12 to 15 hours and then wake up so groggy I’m pretty
useless to do anything. But when I don’t take my Seroquel (Like if I have plans
the next day I need to attend to) I don’t sleep at all and I can be up for days
at a time. It’s so hard on me. I definitely can’t lead a normal life at all.
Last night, I slept for 18 hours. EIGHTEEN! And when I
did finally wake up at 6:30pm I was so groggy I couldn’t do anything but sit
and stare at the TV. And my mood has plummet once again into my horrible
“Black Fog”. It makes me feel so depressed that I have to wonder why I
exist. Nothing looks positive,… I don’t see a future,…. and I feel like I’m so
useless that I’m no good to anyone. (NOT suicidal folks ~ just trying to explain
how the depression feels).
I just don’t understand how my moods can fluctuate so much.
Yesterday I got out and did some errands (and for an
agoraphobic that’s big stuff) and even dropped by my brothers for
dinner. It was a good day. And today I’m the total opposite. Can’t see past the
sadness,…. I thought the whole point of taking medication was to regulate my
moods better. Hell, one of my medications is a “mood stabilizer”,…. I
guess it goes to prove that medications can definitely help but they don’t take
away the illness completely.
And who knows,… tomorrow I could wake up and feel like a
million bucks. There just doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the moods.
It’s just a horrible roller coaster that I can’t get off. But, as always,… I
try to stay positive. For every bad day,… there is a good day,… and I live for
the good days,…. And so lives on the life of Jacquie and her mental illness,…
2 comments:
That's the thing I hate most about this illness, it is so unpredictable. I'm glad to see that you remember there are good days. Good for you.
UGH! So sorry to her all this, m'lady. I'm just out of hibernation (I might as well have been hibernating, given the way I felt over much of the winter). But I am, shall I say, Bearing up.
There's lots of snow here, but the weather is getting warmer, and snow melts during the day. I wonder if the place is going to flood.
Hope things will pick up for you. Black fog is no fun.
Blessings and Bear hugs.
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