I need to cocoon

I am completely on my own now. I told everyone to go away. Push,.. push,... push,... everyone needs to be pushed away,... Pat,... even the lawyers office. I wrote an email saying I'm just too unwell to do anything and I have taken to my bed. I have turned off my phone. I can't imagine what the lawyer must be thinking but I don't care. I can't,....  I have stayed off of social media as well. I am unreachable,...

But this time it's different. Because I can't stand beng alone here in this prison. I don't talk to anyone,... I don't even see anyone,... and right now that is by my own choice. I know when I feel better and want to reconnect the people will be gone. I am used to that. I guess it's how I have ended up on island. Alone.

This time it's different because I am spirralling. I can't stand the long hours and hours and hours and hours I have to fill each day. The boredom is so tedious it is literally driving me mad. I can FEEL myself losing touch with reality,... 

But for some reason I can't explain,... I never could explain,... I have to run and hide and lock the door and bolt it. Close the blinds. Pull the curtains,... For some reason I need to keep the world away. I can't interact with the world right now.

My kitchen is empty. I need food. I am going to start going hungry in a few days. But I don't feel well enough to go out and get groceries. It's like I have gone back to being agoraphobic. I can't leave my apartment. I just have this overwhelming need to hide away,... 

But this time is different because I don't feel like I'm ever going to come back. This need to cocoon is all-consuming. I don't think I will ever join the real world again,...

I just need to cocoon because I can't deal with the world right now.

I'm scared because the pull of death is just so inviting right now,... 

so inviting,.....

 I have closed down all social media. I have turned off my phone. I no longer wish to be alive.

But my heart keeps on beating,.... WHY?

I no longer care about anyone or anything anymore. 

I just want to be left alone so I can figure out a way to finally end my life and find relief.

THAT is all I care about now.

DYING!

 Something scary has been happening lately. I am losing my memory. I know you will say it's just me getting old and everyone faces this day eventually. But this is more than old age. Last week I went to warm up a slice of pizza. I put it on broil which is 500*. And then i promptly forgot about it and went outside to the gazebo to smoke a joint. It was twenty minutes before I was back on the elevator and then suddenly remembered. The blood ran from my body leaving me feeling cold. I ran as fast as this broken body would allow after the elevator doors opened. Luckily only the pizza slices had burnt to a crisp but no fire started. This is really unsettling for me. This isn't the first time I have started something and walked away and it has compleely left my mind. This is more than old age memory loss. This is the first stages of dementia. I don't need a doctor to tell me I have started the slow process of losing my mind. It's a terrifying realization. 

Because I have had no luck getting a caregiver, I realize what will happen to me. I will become the dotty old lady in 311 who is wondering the building again,... the woman they found in the parking lot three blocks from where I live with no memeory of who I am or where I was going. With no family or support workers I will turn into the lost soul that wanders and no one knows what to do with. Who wants that? I know I don't. 

The thought has been front row centre in my mind for months now. This is why I am fighting so hard to find a way to end my life. I want to end it HUMANELY through MAiDs but that became unavailable wehn the government put the criteria on hold for three years. My choice to a humane end was taken away from me. I refuse to linger as the old woman who had no one but wandered around,... thats just tragic. Nope,... that is never going to happen. i'm not sure how yet. In general I am not a violent person. i don't watch much violent tv. I have only ever hit one person in my entire life. My best friend B*** when we were 11 years old! The only person I ever wish to harm is myself. I am a self harmer. I cut. But I have tried very hard over the past years to not cut and I have done really well. The problem I have with cutting is I do it when I am overwhelmed. I have been in many situations over the years where I have been in just that situation. Overwhelmed,... but I have been really good at not cutting. But I'm afraid I won't be able to stop now. Now I don't see any reason to stop. i don't have anyone in my life who is going to see it. It feels good to get out the stress and anxiety. And in the end it just might be the thing I am brave enough to do to fianlly end my life. Cut. I have a scalpel I use. It is very, very sharp. It would only take one slip that was just that much too deep and I would finally,... finally find relief,... 

 I cannot believe the games are continuing,…

This is an open statement to Tonya Halls who lives in my building at 307. I DID NOT WRITE on your door. YOU know I didn’t because YOU did it yourself. (to have an excuse to put up your doorbell camera so you could spy on me and my progress to snitch on your friend Diane’s insurance company) So here is a woman who’s friend RAN ME OVER WITH HER CAR and instead of being oh I don’t know upset or guilty or sympathetic,…. you choose to come after me and make my life even MORE difficult.!!!!!!! With LIES!!!!!

Word is you have video evidence of me doing this. I say lets prove your a liar once and for all. SHOW ME THIS VIDEO EVIDENCE. First of all we both know there isn’t any because I didn’t do it. And here’s the proof you small minded cunt ~ If you had this video evidence then why didn’t you show it to the police when you called them to accuse me?? You didn’t show them because there isn’t’ any!!!! You are LYING!!! And I am calling you out! And yet to this minute you are still running your fat cunty month off still telling everyone in this building that I did it. What you don’t know is I gave the police video evidence I didn’t do it by showing them footage of my doorbell camera cloud videos of me coming and going for a week and I was unwell and did not leave my unit except 4 times to put out garbage and get mail and I video taped all 4 outings on my own camera as I always do to prove I did nothing to your door. AND IT WAS PROVEN I DID NOTHING. You seem to forget or don’t realize that because of you I video tape EVERYTHING as soon as I step outside my door my video camera is running for this reason. IT PROTECTED ME by proving to the police it was not me. So I”M the one with video evidence and it was already shown to the police. WHERS YOURS??? Where is this non-existent video evidence your forgot to show the police but have? SHO IT TO ME or shut your fat mouth or I will make sure everyone in this building knows about this and how your a LIAR and I can PROVE IT!

I am warning you – this is a warning,…. SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE or I will call the police about this case and tell them you are shooting your fat mouth off and maybe this will then SHUT YOU UP!!!

Tonya Halls and yes I am using your real name as I am telling the truth and have nothing to hide or get in trouble for. I have all the video evidence to show whoever wants to see it. I am an open book – just ask me and I ill show you evidence. Just like the other 4 times I have you LYING on video saying something happened when nothing did. Keep it up CUNT as I will come after you to shut you the fuck up

Put your money where your mouth is CUNT!!!!!! I’m waiting,…… because I’ve had enough of your 12 year old little girl games,… come on Tonya,…. prove it!!!!!!!

I am so angry with myself right now. Angry because I didn't have the courage to slit my throat. I sat here for 3 days with a scalpel on the table beside me. And even though I agonized over it I just couldn't bring myself to physically do it. I think the only method for me is fentanyl. Easy,... clean,... peaceful,... quick,... like falling alsleep forever.

So I have started a plan.

I am going without groceries and saving money. I have been living on half the food I usually do so I could put the money away instead. I now have $200. But I need more so I will have to be patient and wait each month to put more aside. It could be summer before I acquire enough.

I will take a taxi to Guelph to the worst part of town. Right by the bus station. I have been in this area and I know it is a bad area for drugs. I will get a motel room for the night. Then I go trolling for fentanyl. It will be easy to get there. But a taxi,... a motel room and the fentanyl itself will cost money. I hate that I will have to wait but if I want to do it right I will have to plan it properly. The last thing I want is to not die and end up back in the psych ward for a few months. So I have to plan every single detail. 

You know whats sad? I am having to save up to die because I'm so poor,...

Just another invisable person who lost their way and faded into death without anyone even knowing or caring because in the end,... I was alone and there was no one too care. 

In the end,... I was just a nobody