I haven't cut in over two years,.... but I have to cut now,.... I can't take this feeling anymore. I'm spirralling. I need to cut and release it all,.....

I have opened "Coffee Confessions" up again

I have gone back to my "Coffee Confessions" blog. I have decided that I dont' care if THAT man reads it. I am not going to be intimidated to close a 13 year old blog just because of some guy who is a sore loser and can't accept that he did wrong and needs to just own it and move on. To be fair I haven't had any dealings with him in a few weeks. But thats' probobly because I have hidden myself away inside my apartment unit for the past few months. My thinking is "out of sight - out of mind,...' If he doesn't see me it won't trigger him into instigating something. It seems to have worked as I haven't heard a thing about him. He did leave a cryptic message in the laundry room a few weeks back saying "bring it back to 304 Housing will catch you with your scanner" so I guess he had some stuff stolen or something and he left that note. But I know nothing about that and I don't WANT to know anything about that. In fact,... I don't want to know anything about him anymore. As far as I'm concerned he is INVISABLE to me.

I seem to come from some really tough roots. I have been through so much in my life yet I still come out standing. There seems to be this tenacious drive inside of me that is strong and keeps me fighting. My body will just not give up. Even now when I am clearly so unhappy and would rather just be gone to find relief ~ my body just won't stop. My mind has given up but my body refuses to stop breathing. I am Irish and I think there is this some deep-seeded Irish fight that lives within me. Maybe generations of struggling have been left inside my soul. So even after all of the crap that this kid has put me through I REFUSE to let him win by closing up this blog. In the end,... he has told everyone already so theres nothing more for him to use as ammunition. Yes,... I'm mentally ill. Yes,... I'm unhappy and want to end my life. He took glee in shouting these things to everyone in the hopes of humiliating me. And it DID hurt. No one wants people to know their faults and deepest thoughts. But this kid has no class whatsoever and felt it was ok to just shout my deepest secrets to all who would listen. But it's done now. Theres nothing more he can hurt me with. So i re-open this blog. I KNOW he will be reading it. But I dont'care. Read away,.... enjoy,.... do your worst,.... you cna't hurt me anymore Darren Green.

I started doing my laps in the hall again. I had stopped for a bit due to Darren. I just didn't want to be walking infront of his door incase it triggered him again. So I had given walking a miss for a bit. But I started back again this week. I found if I put my headphones on and turn the music up I can't hear anything going on around me. If Darren is raging in his unit again (which I find so triggering) I can't hear it now and I just walk by. Usually if I heard him raging I would start to shake and then feel obligated to stand and listen to make sure he wasn't hurting his cat. Now I don't have to worry about that. After what I have been through with him I will NEVER call the Humane Society on anyone ever again. It just isn't worth the revnege war I got afterwards. He can beat that animal to a pulp and he will one day ~ but I will never hear it. Because I can't. I cannot hear him shout at that poor little cat again. It breaks my heart and I can't cope. So I walk for an hour. Up and down that hall. Back and forth,... back and forth,... back and forth,.... music blaring in my ear for total distraction. It's the only exercise I get and the only time I really leave my unit now.

Today is the last day of the November Trifecta. The birth (Nov 29th) the death of Ian (Nov 30th) and the death of Shawn (December 1st) is now over. It's funny because normally I dont' think about the loss of my boys. But once a year. During this NOVEMBER TRIFECTA I allow myself to go deep into my vault and unlock the "twins" compartment. For those few days a year I allow myself to remember and to grieve. But once over I put them back in a box and I hide it back away deep inside of me. Locked and hidden for yet another year. The loss of a child(ren) is so deep and traumatizing that you are never the same afterwards. You can't be. Part of you is now gone. Any parent who has lost a child will tell you the pain is UNBEARABLE and you never get over it. In my case,... It hurts even more because I still have 2 reamining children but they aren't in my life either. I have had 4 children and yet I spend my life alone. It eats away at my heart and my soul and becomes a living nightmare I cannot cope with. My whole purpose for being on this planet was to be a Mom. And without that role I am lost. My heart is always seeking my children but they aren't there,... my heart breaks because I don't know how to live without them. I never did know how,... and I never will be able to settle without my babies in my life. It's a loss I can't even describe but it's all consuming. My children were my purpose. Without them,... ???