And,... crash

4:07 am and I am still awake. *sigh*

Things seem to have taken a turn for me over the past week or so. For the longest time my OCD was really controlling me. The scrubbing,… the counting,… etc,… It wasn’t fun but at least my apartment was clean.  (yes, you have to look at the bright side) But now I have done a complete flip and the dreaded Black Fog has descended. I have been feeling it coming on for a while now and was doing everything I could to keep it at bay. I made sure I was taking my medication everyday. I was struggling to stay optimistic and keep on functioning with my life. But yesterday,… I crashed. And depression has descended like a dark and heavy blanket. Depression is so much worse than the OCD/anxiety because you can still some-what function with those. (I may not be the most normal person around but at least I am getting things done and seeing my family). Depression on the other hand debilitates you.

Right now I am having such a difficult time just getting out of bed. And when I do manage to emerge from my cave I don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything but collapse in front of the TV. Just having a shower seems a monumental task. The dishes get left in the sink. The laundry piles up and my apartment is a mess. I hate it. But I just don’t have it in me right now to change.

These different stages I go through are not bipolar. I think this is why for so many years I was misdiagnosed with bipolar because of the two very different phases I seem to go in and out of. But with me, I go from OCD/anxiety to full on depression. (rarely both of  these at the same time) I never go into a full-on high that you would see in Bipolar. And throughout both stages I always have the social phobia and agoraphobia. It’s very complex and really difficult to live with.

So what do I do now? I wait it out. I stay on my medication. And I wait. I’ve been here many times before and I know it will lift in time. There really isn’t anything else you can do.

And so continues my diary of my struggle with mental illness,….

We lose another one to addiction/mental illness

Well my heart just sank when I heard on the news that we have lost yet another person to addiction/mental illness.  The lovely and talented Country singer Mindy McCready. But really, It doesn’t matter who it was. Whether they were a celebrity or a member of our own community, This disease does not choose who it torments.I know a lot of people will be saying that she was selfish in not thinking of her sons and other family and friends. But when you are sick, your perception of reality just isn’t the same as healthy individuals. I have been in this situation. Your mind tells you that EVERYONE would be better off if you weren’t  here. You believe that nothing you do is positive or contributes in any way to our society. You just feel like you’re a drain on society’s resources because you can’t work and have to rely on others to support you. But most of all,… being mentally ill can be so painful at times it is unbearable and the only way you can see to finally end that pain is to end your life.

I had a therapist once tell me that “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and in theory that does sound true. And for many people mental issues can occur only once or twice in your lifetime. But for others (like myself) mental illness is definitely not temporary. I have suffered with it for my whole adult life and unfortunately I can see that as I get older my problems are getting more severe and harder to control (a nice way of saying “harder to medicate”) and dealing with it can wear you down until you just don’t think you can take it for one more day.

Luckily for me I have support. The past 2 years I have had more support than I have ever had in my life. This helps. A lot. And because of this I can go to my family and tell them when I’m struggling and I know I will not be judged or criticized or made to think like I just want attention or drama. We just go back to my doctor together and try to figure things out to make it get better.

But for others, who just can’t take another day, another hour, another minute of the relentless pain that mental illness inflicts, they give up. Today, another person gave up the fight. My heart aches for her family. But please don’t think of her as selfish,… I rather like to think of them as “trapped” in their own mind and pain with no other option. Whatever the reason,… It’s a horrible, horrible, tragedy,….

Happy Valentines Day,.. Blah,...

Well once again February 14th rolls around and I find myself celebrating it with a coffee in my hand and a cat on my lap while I sit in front of the telly watching soppy movies about true love. Blah,…  humbug,…

Being alone does make me sad. I would like to have a special someone but, come on,…. what can I offer a man? My dating profile would be interesting to say the least. “certifiably mad woman with numerous mental health issues,… social phobic won’t leave her apartment or talk with strangers,… fears germs to a fault,…. depression ruins her life and OCD controls it,… doesn’t function well due to large doses of medication” If interested please reply,…

Yup, this is one aspect of mental illness that most people don’t think about. It’s not only a difficult illness to live with,… it’s also a lonely one. Lots of people want to help and support me which is awesome (my family has been my lifeline) but no one wants to actually get involved with someone like me. I think they are scared. People with mental illness are sometimes unpredictable,.. which can lead to others being apprehensive about our behavior. We don’t “fit” into the “normal” mold of everyone else and that leads to fear.

Not gonna deny it. I have definitely had my meltdowns over the years. And these meltdowns scared my family and friends and led to the loss of my children. I’m not proud of these times but it was all part of the illness. Unfortunately, it made most people turn around and walk the other way. No man in his right mind would attempt to have a relationship. My life is too different from everyone else’s. It makes for a pretty lonely existence.

(But on the other hand,… my profile could have room for a few other things too.  Heart of gold,… humorous,… loves her family with all she has and never gives up no matter how hard the journey gets…)

I watched the news on February 12th. (Bells “Lets Talk Day”) and I was really glad to see them focus on mental health and air stories from mentally ill people throughout this week. Encouraging to us who suffer with the illness and revealing and educational to those who don’t know anything about it.  I think society is definitely headed in the right direction with mental health care.

So for all you people out there snuggling up with their special someone enjoying cupids day ~ just take a quick minute to be thankful that you are not only mentally healthy,… but that you are lucky enough to have a special someone to snuggle up to,…

Happy Valentines Day Everyone