Denial, denial, denial,....

I have been abusing prescription meds for nearly 20 years. And over the past 20 years I have managed to find a way to make it sound legit.  The Doctor prescribed them to me so therefore its perfectly alright to take them. Right? Today, I am admitting for the first time that that is definitely wrong and I definitely abuse the drugs I have been prescribed.

It is still true that my doctors have over-prescribed meds to me for a very long time. I suppose I can be quite manipulative when I need to be and conned a lot of drugs out of my doctors. Then I would take the bare minimum and stock pile the rest until “needed”.

For two full years I was prescribed 800mg of Seroquel. The average dose is about 50mg. I would abuse these to the point of taking up to 3200mg at a time which would do exactly what I intended it to do and that would be knock me out for a good 24 hours or more at a time. 24 hours that I didn’t have to feel depressed or a failure or stupid or worthless. It gave me a 24 hour reprieve from my life. I called this "My Seroquel Vacation"

When I went into hospital this last time (July 2011) I finally admitted to my therapist that I was on a lot of prescription drugs ~ but they were prescribed ~ therefore I was suppose to take that much. What I didn’t tell them, because I had not even admit it to myself yet, was that I grossly abused these drugs taking 2 and 3 ~ even 4 or 5 times the recommended dose.

Tuesday, in my therapy group, I finally admit to everyone that I am definitely an addict and I definitely abuse prescription drugs. I admit that now that I am not being prescribed a lot of meds from my new doctor (who is extremely careful about prescribing only the minimum amount) I have turned to marijuana and alcohol and even over-the-counter drugs. In fact, my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life ~ even for a short time.

The craving is unbelievably strong. And sadly, I don’t want to stop taking drugs. My life is grim. I hate being forced to live it. I need to escape it. I tried going drug free for abut 3 or 4 months after I got out of the hospital. I took only my prescribed meds and they did nothing. But ultimately, I gave in and went back to abusing ~ anything.

I feel like such a complete failure.

restless

The weather outside is absolutely gorgeous but I can't seem to get myself outside to enjoy it. I've been inside all day with the curtains drawn.

I was suppose to go out tonight but cancelled because I'm just feeling so,... I don't even know,... anxious, sad, worthless,... I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at all. I don't want to "be" anymore. But i just can't get my shit together to fix it.

I definitely feel like a failure tonight. :-(

falling off the wagon

I had a 'Girls Night In' with my friend last night and it was fun. I definitely enjoyed myself. But we were both tired and decided to call it a night early. I was so tired I thought I would just fall into bed and fall asleep. Didn't happen. Instead I had a horrible night. I just could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. Insomnia really is the most frustrating thing. I didn't end up falling asleep until about 7 or 8 this morning and then slept till noon.

This afternoon I am understandably tired. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a very long time. It's quite difficult to fight an addiction to drugs when you are so tired all you want to do is use. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I miss my drug use. At least when I couldn't sleep I could take Seroquel or anti-anxieties. Last night I didn't take anything but I REALLY wanted to. I came 'this close' to getting up and taking something or smoking some weed. But I didn't. And today I feel awful. I'm not only tired,... I'm feeling really down.

It's hard to WANT to get & stay off drugs when you can't sleep without them. I WANT my drugs back. I WANT to use,... I'm tired of being sober but so tired and depressed I don't care about life. I hate feeling so worthless and useless and a waste of space. I WANT to take drugs to zone out from that. So this mind-set doesn't really set you up for success at staying sober.

I'm too tired today to care. I think I am going to go and smoke some weed and chill. If that makes me a failure then today,... I have failed. But right now, I don't know any other way of coping.

rambling

Today has been a day of feeling oddly unsettled ~ a restless boredom ~ that I couldn't seem to change. I was a little agitated because I just couldn't seem to relax. I would try to watch TV but was too restless and couldn't concentrate. I would try reading but that didnt' work for the same reason. I ended up going for an afternoon nap just because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. It was quite a weird feeling. When I woke up at dinner time I seemed to feel a bit more settled.

I had had a nice evening with my brother and sister-in-law on Saturday. But when I got home I just couldn't relax or concentrate and just felt 'uncomfortable'. I went to bed but woke up on and off throughout the night. By morning I felt anything but rested. It has been a 'weird' couple of days to say the least.

It is now 2:30 in the morning and as usual I am still up. I don't feel the least bit tired. I have decided to stop taking all drugs not prescribed by my doctor for awhile. Usually if I felt this awake I would delve into my stores of medication I have 'accumulated' over the past few years. Namely Seroquel. But in light of that 'scary episode" that happened a few weeks ago I have decided to take only my prescribed medications. Unfortunately that is now only ciprolex ~ nothing sedating in that at all.

So over the past while I have been turning to weed. Just smoking a bare minimal just to make me relaxed. It seems to be working. But now I'm wondering,... is this the cause of my 'restlessness' over the past few days. Maybe its a combination of not taking lots of my usual drugs and starting the pot regime. I don['t know. I also have a sniffy nose and scratchy throat so maybe its just that I'm getting a cold. Who knows.

I just know I need to go to bed and I don't want to have to take Seroquel to put me to sleep. I don't feel like pot as my throat is kind of sore already and that will just make it worse.Maybe I will make myself a hot Neo-Citran.

I am babbling. But that's because my mind seems to be all over the place. if only I could finally get a full, deep sleep I know I would feel a lot better.

Damn insomnia. It seems to have left me a scatter-brained mess.