My heart is broken

Guess what I opened Facebook to again today? A fucking pop-up "Are you ok"

Obviously I am not ok. But just getting pop-ups and no help has forced me to realize I have no friends. I have noone who cares if I live or die. I screamed on facebook for help and got a fucking pop-up.

I guess thats all I'm worth 

a fucking pop up

I think it's time to leave Facebook for good. I have "friends" on there that are reading all of my desperate posts - yet noone is offering help. So that tells me they are not my friends. Just people with a morbid fascination for what what finally happens to Jacquie Holyoak. They don't really care - they're just curious.

I mean NOTHING TO ANYBODY

And that last pop-up cemented that for me.

I am fucking alone and dying and none fucking cares

I am dying,... yet noone can help me

 

My cupboards are empty. I am running low on everything. I need to get out and do a supply run. But looking at the weather, I'm not getting out until the end of January now. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP reactivated but I can't. Between pain and the weather I just can't get there. And now I need groceries too,...

I honestly feel like some pioneer on the prairies in the winter. Once the snow flies,... your stuck inside. NO SUPPLIES OR MEDICAL CARE until spring. But the truth is I live in a small town with about 30,000 people. But noone can see me. I am trapped inside my unit screaming for help but noone can hear me,...

I am losing hope

I am losing motivation

I am in so much pain I can't cope

But I am invisable to this world

Every morning I take my blood pressure - it's higher than the day before. Always reminding me that time is running out!!! If i dont find a doctor and consistent care - I WILL DIE SOON!

I still can't use my hands,...

I still can't feel my right arm,...

I still can't look after myself anymore,...

I closed up my other blog for good. Noone cares about me. They are just reading it for morbid fascination. Will she die or won't she???? But noone cares enought to help. So fuck them,... (this is my other blog that TONYA HALLS my enemy neighbour reads) so all I'm doing is cutting off information to her and Darren and Mark. I'm tired of the world KNOWING I need help but noone actually helping. So no point in writing anymore.

This blog has a completely different following of people. I find this blog my followers are other mental health sufferers and therefore much kinder. So i will leave this blog open but I cut all ties to the other one. Too hurtful knowing so many people read it yet still noone cares to help,....

I'm ready to die now. I know it's coming. Noone has my blood pressure and survives,....

But I will die alone and knowing noone fucking cared to help,....

NO HELP IS COMING and I am going to die

Can you imagine how that feels????

I am dying yet i can't even get a ride to sevice ontario,...

I am going to die becasue of no transprotation and noone hearing me.

I am fucking heartbroken,....

I'm not coping anymore

The stress is literally going to kill me

I have just spent the past hour a puddle on the floor. I have nothing left. I am not coping because I can't do it anymore because I have nothing left.

I had another bad day. I won't get into it but my heater sprung a leak in my bedroom flooding my brand new carpet with whatever it is coomes out of heaters,... It's been leaking for four days so my carpet is saturated and now ruined. Once it dries out it will be all full of mildew. The day did not progress well after that.

But I know 2 things are true if I am to survive.

I need to get the fuck out of Fergus and this building and Ontario Housing,.....

And if I don't get a doctor I will be dead before my vacation even gets here.

I can't fight anymore. My body has given up,... my soul is broken and all I do is cry now. I have nothing left.

what the fuck is wrong with this world

when you cant get to a dcotor to save your life

The only help I am getting,

 is if I pay out of my own pocket. 

and that is never going to happen

Not when all i need is a fucking ride to sevice ontario

this province thinks everyone is rich and has cars 

but we dont 

we are poor 

and cant access help

so need help with rides

I am going to die because I can't get to sevice ontario

I

am 

going 

to 

die 

becasue 

I

dont' 

have

a

ride

And this town has NO transportation

No buses

and ONE taxi that is always already in use

I am going to die

for lack of a ride

 I am so angry right now. I have googled what to do if you have no health card and need care for hypertension in the emergency room. I will be stuck with a bill that is the lowest over $1000 and can climb as high as $10,000.00.

So I tried walk in - need a health card

tried 811 - need a health card

tried other internet doctors - you have to pay and then they just tell you to go to your DOCTOR!! So, what twas the point in phoning?????? Waste of money,....

I have discovered that you cannot get health care in tis province unless you have a car.

Without a car I can't get to sevice ontario and i cant get my ohip reneewed 

WHAT THR FUVK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO TO GET HELP?????

Why is noone reading this: I AM DYING AND NEED HELP

I am dying

 

I goggled "My blood pressure is consistently around 192/113 every morning ~ am I dying"?

This was the answer:

A consistent blood pressure of 192/113 is considered "hypertensive crisis" or "severe hypertension" and is a serious medical situation that requires immediate attention. Readings of 180/120 or higher are considered a DANGER ZONE that, if left untreated, can lead to life-threatening issues, including stroke, heart attack, damage to your kidneys and heart and DEATH.

I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!

WHY wont anyone help me?????????

I need a fucking doctor and to renew my OHIP but I can't get help to do this,....

And knowing hundreds of people have read this and not one person has helped or even got in touch,..... proves,....

HELP IS NOT COMING ~ I am on my own

Knowing my family reads this and is ignoring it has left me just wanting to die. 

Get it  over with already. Obviously I'm  not getting medical help. I am invisable and unwanted and unloved.

I must be a fucking monster for noone to care I am actually DYING.

All I needed was help to get to Service Ontario but noone came,....

All I needed was a doctor ~ but even my local MP got annoyed at me even asking for help,.... do you really think when I reach out for help and get people being annoyed with me for asking??? Do you really think I'm ever going to ask for help again????? No,.... i'm tired of being made to look like a drama queen. I'm tired of making a fool out of myself asking for help on social media. People dont help,.... they judge you for 'ruining' their timeline with poverty and dying,.... again just an annoying person noone wants to hear about or deal with,....

This has told me all I need to know. I am a monster and noone is coming to help.

I am dying

I am dying

I am dying

But noone gives a shit

Slowly giving up

 

I woke up exhauted. No energy at all. Weak. 

I can't believe that getting health care is so hard.

I dont think I'm ever going to get there now,...

I am too sick to do it on my onw and need someone to actually bring me now. But theres noone.

I hope I die today. I can't cope with the struggle anymore,...