Everything is booked and paid for,...

I have been busy today. Booking, booking and more booking,... and now it's official. I am going back to BC. Last summer, despite that annoying little irritation of becoming homeless, I fell in love with Vancouver Island. I had been there a few times before. But last summer, I was really able to take in it's majestic beauty. The geography so very different from what I was used to. 

It had everything I loved. A culture very different from here in Ontario. The people in BC seemed much more layed back. The folk that I met seemed nicer,.. and life there was a bit more casual. I had dubed it the hippy place. Right down to the guy on the beach playing guitar and singing. I have always said I am just an old hippie myself.

I have said many times before how I love the water so much. It's definitely my element. When I am around it I seem to come alive. So the ocean seemed to call to me. I spent most of my time there by the rugged shores.

I don't know how much of ancestry is in our genes. But having done my family tree, I learned that most of my ancestors were from the coast of the UK. Most lived and worked on the water. So maybe it's not just a personal preference with me but instead, it's a deeply engrained trait. 

I also find it funny that both of my (birth) Ontario-born parents fled to BC and later passed away there. They too didn't like Ontario - and maybe for the same reason as me. My Mom has the same coastal ancestors I do,... so maybe she fled to BC as she, too, fell in love with the "vibe". I don't know what else to call it. But she came here quite young and never went back home. If I hadn't had that 'misfortune' last summer then I would have followed in her footsteps and left Ontario for good too,...

I have had a lot of time to reflect since my 'misfortune'. And I think you just have to learn from your mistakes and move on. I wasn't able to move there as I had hoped. But now, I have the opportunity to go there for a holiday. I'm just going to take that as a win. I always said if I had a life to live, I would live it,... but the past few years I haven't been able to have that life. Maybe now,... even if for just one week every year,... I can go back. My Nana always told me that a change is as good as a rest. That one week of heaven will sustain me for the reamining 51 weeks of the year. I can survive if I know that I can do this one week of oceans and salty air,... birds bigger than most pets I've ever had,... the grandness of the mountains,... it just feels like a place where I belong. But if I can only have it for a week a year? I'll take it.

And so it's all booked. The flights,... the hotel,... the car service to the airport,... all ready for me to enjoy this summer. Finally I have something to look forward to. I know it's only 4 days old but maybe 2026 will be a better year,...

Finally ~ Good News!

I was sitting here trying to decide what to do for my summer vacation. Not having a car made it quite difficult. In the end I was leaning towards a train trip through the rockies. You wouldn't need a car as you were on the train. But that trip - although it looked awesome - was very expensive. ($6000,00!!!) I mean clean out my bank account expensive. So I held off on the booking for a few days to think.

I had already called my cousin to let her know I was planning to come back for a week's holiday. She seemed like she was busy working and didn't really have the time off. I then called my other cousin and he was all for it. HE has a car,... I have the money,... and together we planned a one week vacation.

I booked a hotel in Duncan BC. It's kind of central to a lot of the places I would like to visit. He (I don't want to use his name on here) will pick me up from Nanaimo airport and bring me to Duncan when I arrive in BC. We then plan on doing day trips for the week. We want to drive to Ecluelet and Tofino as we would both love to see that and maybe even try surfing. Ok maybe HE will try surfing and I will just watch. I want to do hiking on the Pacific trail. I just want to enjoy all the nature that Vancouver Island is so famous for. The raw beauty of the Island is breathtaking. 

I still have to book my flights which I will hopefully do today. Then it's all booked and paid for. I am hoping to treat my cousin as much as I can as he took the time to come and look for me when I was homeless. he didn't have to do that - especially when that family seems to be so mad at me. These cousins are my adopted Dads family so I am not dna related to them. Just related by adoption. This cousins father is my adopted dads brother. And since here in Ontario my adopted family is so mad at me, I am grateful that this cousin has not 'listened' to the Ontario family. He was concerned for me as a person and helped. I will always be grateful to him and my other cousin. It put both of them in a situation where their family could have turned on them but they choose to help me out anyway. And for this,... I will forever be grateful. It's why I want to go on vacation with them so I can treat them to pay them back, I'm hoping to pay for all the gas and food for him as we enjoy our week. I have the money so why not? Both of these cousins deserve so much. I just want to pay them back a bit for their help.

So now, I have something to look forwward to. It's not until the end of June. I fly out to BC on June 30th and I am staying until July 6th. So I'll be spending Canada Day out there. Fireworks over the water somewhere???

I still have 6 months to wait for it. But that just gives me time to sort an itinerary out. I am so bored everyday that this will give me something to do. And just knowing that I am going on vacation in June has really turned my mood around. I am starting to feel happier again. I'm hoping it continues and maybe,... just maybe,... 2026 won't be a horrible year like 2025 was,...

I am optimistic. That is something I have not felt in a very long time.

So roll on June,... I am going back to BC.

Making a list to get things done

Three days into the new year and I feel better about things. I have made some plans. Today I will make a list of everything that needs to get done and then start working on achieving each one.

Get my drivers licence renewed which means I need to go to Guelph and take the written and drivers test over. I will need to book an appointment and then find a way to get to Guelph. Once I have my drivers licence, I can rent a car for vacations. I can rent a car to take me to a cottage up  in Muskoka. I am a very independent person and I don't like having to rely on other people for transportaion. So if I am to have any kind of future at all ~ I need to get my drivers licence renewed.

Once I have a drivers licence my world will open up. I can get the hell away from this place once in awhile.

I look forward to Saturday morning as I know there will be a new episode of Gogglebox UK. I don't know why I love this show so much but I do. I have watched this show for years and maybe I just feel like I know the people really well. Like I'm spending the hour with friends. Whatever the reason,... with the holidays over, my show has returned. So i sit here with my coffee watching Gogglebox while the kittens run wild with the zoomies.

I know this isn't the forum for kitten stories. This blog is strictly for dumping my feelings and anxieties for the day. But this made me giggle. I was having a bath and Molly was sitting on the side of the tub just hanging out with me. The curtain was pulled across so we couldn't see out. Suddenly Murphy took a run up and body checked Molly right through the curtain hurling her into the water in the tub leaving me laughing out loud. Just one of the antics these two get up to. I have no regrets getting these kittens. They give me a reason to get up in the morning. Tv is only what I do because it's all I have to do,... so getting these cats has given me something else to focus on and I am enjoying every single minute of them. They are so adorable I feel like I could open a new blog and write just about them,... (how boring for the rest of the world but these two kittens ARE my world). I have always had a problem getting along with people,... but never animals. Animals are my thing and I prefer them over people any day. 

For some reason the bathroom is their favourite place to play

Making plans for 2026

I have put 2025 behind me. It was a terrible year. And I never want to go through anything like that ever again. Instead I have drawn a line under it and I am starting fresh. 

2026 ~ I start the year knowing my family is gone. I have pinned over that for months now. But they are not coming back. So I have 2 options. I can sit here and cry or I can tell myself that is THEIR choice,... I can't change their minds so I have to learn to live with it. And my way of living with it is to pretend I don't even have children.

So this year,... this brand new year,... I have made some big plans. If i can't move and get out of Ontario Housing,... then I will plan on getting away from it as much as I can. And I will do this with travel.

I had originally wanted to go East. Newfoundland to be exact. But the more I looked into it, the more I wondered if i am physically capable of this trip. Apparently it is very hilly and not walker friendly at all. I haven't ruled this trip out,... but it has made me look furthur into other options.

The runner up is a train trip in the rockies. The Mountaineer has a trip that goes from Vancouver to Banff or Jasper (depending on the train you choose) With me having no car, I think a train vacation might be my best bet. As long as I can get to the train station, everything after that is taken care of. So for the past 2 days I have been on the internet trying to decide on a 'dream' vacation this spring.

East or West coast - I haven't decided yet. My physical health isn't as good as it used to be and having been homeless in BC I know how difficult it is physically to travel. Carrying suitcases and purses and me without the use of my hands. It is going ot be a real challenge. But it's that or sitting in my living room watching tv - BORED out of my mind. 

I cannot spend one more summer couped up in this compound they call Ontario Housing. I desperately need to get away from here. 

I love nature. I love being around water and forests,... so what better holiday than to hop on a train and see Canada from a moving window? It will be very, very expensive. But who cares? I have been poor and struggling for 25 years now. NO VACATION in 25 years. I deserve to get away on a luxury trip. I am looking at $10,000.00 to cover everything from plane fair to the train trip to meals and taxi's. But why not???? What else am i going to do with this money? I may as well spend it,... enjoy it,... do all the bucket list things I have been wanting to do for years. TRAVEL.

I really want to go to the UK. To England and Ireland and visit the palaces my family originated from. But with no passport that isn't available to me. So I am forced to stay in Canada. But lucky for me, Canada is one of the most beautiful and geographically diverse places in the world. It's size alone gives me many options of where to go. I am spoiled for choice here.

I admit I wish I had a companion to travel with. But who? So I travel alone. Maybe I will try and arrange a few days in Vancouver to visit with my two cousins Brian and Shelia. Treat them to a night out for all they had done for me. Who knows,... it's all in the planning stages right now. I need to talk to people about what trips will be "no car" friendly. I have to go where there are taxi's and buses, etc,... 

I wish I had someone to come with me. How perfectr would it have been to have hayley with me. My little traveller,... the girl who travels all around the world - a lot of the time - alone. I wish I could ask her,... but we all know the answer will be no. I would have even helped her pay for it. It would have been so perfect,... but sadly that will never happen. So I stand tall and move forward alone.

Travelling alone is not ideal, but it's not immpossible either.

2026 is going to be a year of getting out of this place. This toxic place of hatred,... gossip,... lies,... and generally just a horrible atmosphere I hide away from. Inside my unit,.... but no more. I can handle being a recluse for most of the year if I know I have a trip to look forward to to get me away from here.

Any suggestions???? I am open to any advice,... I am still a bit wary of getting scammed so I am being very careful about my planning. I hope to stick to a train tour group insterad of an itinerary I planned myself. Staying within a goup sounds a bit safer to me than going it alone. Once I am familiar again with travelling,... I would like to go to Vancouver Island and just motel hop and hike the Pacific Coast Trail. But that will be much furthur down the road after a lot of heavy planning.

But the key word for 2026 is "planning". I no longer wish to be a recluse in this place. Instead I plan on getting out and seeing Canada.

After 2026 when the money runs out,... ??? who knows what will happen. But for this year,... I plan to enjoy!!!!!

New Year? New Plans,...

This is going to be a long post as I have made some big life plans,...

The loss of the necklace was the last straw. I have had enough of being scammed,... buying stuff that breaks a few weeks after you use it,... my money is disappearing and stuff I buy has broken already. Back in my day,... you bought something and it lasted forever. Now the stuff I have been buying to replace everything I lost in June ~ is crap. Not well made but still pricey. A lot of what I bought was garbage and is already of no use to me. WASTED MONEY. So much wasted money,...

Because I don't have a car,... I am forced to use the internet to buy what I need. And I have found that the internet is a cesspool of scammers. I try to stick with just Amazon and Walmart as I have had better luck with these two sites. But even these have third party sellers that scam you. You have to be so careful. And even when you DO your homework and you think it's a good company - you still get scammed.

I am done relying on internet buying. I just lost $2000 and the jewellery I ordered ~ I dont even know if it's authentic. It could be garbage for all I know. If I ever do receive that necklace I will definitely get it appraised but I have a sinking feeling I chose the wrong jewellery company to deal with and the jewellery is actually just manufactured middle of the line product. I was hoping to get a unique IRISH piece of jewellery - maybe hand crafted or something ~ but instead I feel I got scammed with mediocre jewellery (what I received I can't even tell if it's real) I don't even want that other necklace now as I'm pretty sure it's just a crap piece of jewellery. My lovely idea to gift my grandchild all tainted now,... don't even want to give it to her anymore,...

I have been scammed again,...

A few weeks ago, I bought a second portable heater as my apartment is so cold. It came - I plugged it in - it worked 4 times and then died. USELESS now. It was only $40 but forty dollars is forty dollars,.... gone. And returning anything to Amazon just isnt' worth it as I have to find a UPS store and that cost taxi money. So it's not worth it to send anything back. Just shit out of luck,.... again,....

The problem is I can't get out to a store to shop in person for what I need. I would have loved to have been able to GO OUT to a jewellery store and pick out a piece that way. But with no car and this town being so small we have no buses and ONE taxi for the whole town. I never take it as it takes about 45 minutes wait each time. I also need to go to Guelph or a bigger city and theres no way to get to them.

So I am forced to rely on internet buying. Even for groceries. I hate it. I will stop buying off of the internet now. Only using it for groceries and stuff that can't come broken (like cat food and toiletries) but never anything electronic anymore. 

The world is full of garbage products. There doesn't seem to be any company pride anymore. Just make it quickly and cheaply,... sell it and then walk away,.... let the consumer deal with the loss.

So,... I can't get out of my apartment anymore and have turned into a recluse that stays inside 24/7 bored out of my mind and dealing with a bad case of cabin fever. I am going INSANE with not getting out!

No car,... no transportation,... no means of going anywhere unless I can walk there. And in the winter - I can't walk anywhere as the walker won't get through the snow,... so every winter I am TRAPPED inside my unit going stir crazy. I can't do it anymore,... I NEED a life.

So fuck my girls - they get nothing. I am going to go on a spending spree and blow it all. I am going to travel. I can't leave the country as I can't get a passport. I am really annoyed at this as I deserve to travel just as much as anyone else. WHY can't I get a passport just because I dont' know some high ranking person to sign for me? NOT FAIR.

So I will travel in Canada. I plan on getting hotels in different cities and just spending a week here and a week there until the money is gone. And once the money is gone,... I disappaapear too.

No will,... no executor,... which would cost me about $10,000 to do. Spend that kind of money just to ensure your children don't get anything??? WASTE. Instead I will just spend the money before I go. NOONE gets the money. I get the money to travel. 

I was going to give it to my granddaughter but I just spent Christmas alone. WHY should I give them anything?????? I tried to give the money to my grandchild but I dont even know her full name or date of birth,... noone told me. To this day,... I was never even told she was born,... So I can't even put her in a will,...

I know people from their camp read this blog. So someone knew I needed this info to gift my grandchild but noone came forward with it. So they don't care. They never did. If someone had given me this information I WOULD have put her in the will and given her everything. But I don't even know my grandchilds details to do that,.... so sad,.... they are protecting her FROM ME so well I can't even know her name or date of birth. All they had to do was eamil or message me the info,.... they didn't

Their loss,....

Now I travel,... blow all the money which won't take long as travel is very expensive. I bet I do 3 trips before it's all gone.

My trips cost twice as much as other travellers as I don't have a car and have to travel by taxi. THAT will be so expensive. I have looked into Victoria BC,... Niagara Falls,... Banff Alberta,... but travel with no car is a problem. But I don't care,... it's only money,... lets just blow it all so it's all gone when I die.

FUCK my family - I just spent Christmas ALONE.  I am going to be honest and say "I dont' even know exactly what I have done" other than live in survival mode in BC homeless while they just judged me for how I behaved while surviving,... I offended them some how,... 

But lets look at the bottom line. I WAS HOMELESS IN BC and instead of help - they judged me. Thats not love,... thats not even like. That proved they just dont want me and this was the best excuse to dump me. So I am dumped,.... but what did I really do that actually deserved that punishment? To never see my grandchildren???? No,.... they just don't like me or want me and this is a great way to dump me. 

So I dont even want my children back. they have hurt me beyond repair and I dont' even like them right now. 

As  far as I am concerned at this point in time,... my girls hate me so I walk away - COMPLETLY. I will never see them ever again and I dont even care,...

You can't hurt someone that bad and not expect them to walk away.

My family DISOWNED me which is WHY I went to BC,... and then they turn around and get mad at me for going? (Is that why they were mad?) Well you can't have it both way. You disown someone - you can't get mad when they leave the province forever. THEY hurt me so bad I had to leave to get away. And then they turned around and get mad a me. So i don't know what they want or how to please them,...

If this isnt' what they think,... I'm sorry. But noone will talk to me so I have no clue why they are all so mad. I am mentally ill. Not a murderer,... if they can't put their hard feelings aside even when I was homeless and needed help,... then they never wanted to in the first place. A very hard realization but now that I know,...  I KNOW! I walk away knowing I TRIED but they didn't want me. But I TRIED!

So I leave my girls in the will. But all they get is my debt to pay,...

You had your chance to extend the olive branch but you instead thought I was too horrible. I was so horrible to you girls you couldn't find it in your heart to even talk to me about it. You wouldn't take my phone calls,... only texts which were all misconstrued,.... You judged,... and walked away. I had no say in it. I was never even heard,...

So I make no will. Save that $5000.00 to $10,000 dollar expense (because I needed to hire an executor) and travel instead. BLOW every penny so it's gone. And my daughters will have to come into my apartment and dismantle what is left of my life,... which was barely anything. 

WHY would I reward someone who couldn't even help me when I was homeless. They insteaad were mad that I said if I can't find a place to live I will take a fentanyl overdose and die instead. I am not sure but I think THIS is what pissed them off. But hey,... when you are desperate - homeless and desperate - social graces aren't on the top of your list of things to remember. I was in survival mode and concentrating on surviving and finding a home. 

MY fmaily insteaad of sympathy - thought it looked good on me and judged instead. THAT is NOT family,... so I DUMP THEM NOW.

Fuck you - you are NOT my family. Just two girls who listened to others and never even gave me a real chance. YOUR LOSS. 

So Banff,... BC,... Ontario,... here I come. I plan on blowing every last penny and ENJOY my last year of life.

Family is not the be all - end all. A very hard lesson I learned. Family are the people who care when you are in trouble (Trish, Shela and Brian and the others ~ but NOT my family) My daughters and my brother and his princess wife mean nothing to me now. When you are hurt that bad - you harden. And they no longer hold a place in my heart anymore.

Now I know I am entirely on my own. Now I lvie for ME. I will take vacations and then when the money is gone - I disappear. And my cremation and burial are already bought and paid for. If i had left that for my daughters ot do,... i would end up cremated sitting in the back of someones closet somewhere becasue they don't care about me at all. They just want me gone and out of theri lives. So if I hadn't made my own end fof life plans - I would end up in a closet - forgotten about forever,...

I no longer have family. I waited but they are not going to let me in so i now walk away knowing I TRIED but was rejected so they have no say in what I do from here on in.

This can all change - but it wont' becasue they hate me!!

Well I refuse to feel bad anymore. I feel I am a good person. I am mentally ill - NOT a monster!!!!  If they don't agree, then thats their problem. But I walk away knowing I did what I could but was rejected over and over again. A person can only take so much before they have to completely disown THEM. 

I was a GOOD mother for those first years,.... fuck them for saying different,... I never even rasied my voice to those girls - ever - but apparently I'm a monster,....

So roll on spring as I have very itchy feet to travel. It will be hard as I don't even have the use of my hands right now,... but I - as I always have to - will make do. 

I don't plan on living much longer. But I do plan of enjoying every minute that I do until the money runs out and I end it,...

This is not the life I planned or wanted. But it's the one dealt to me so I have to make it the best I can.

So my new years resolution is to discard my daughters forever and start enjoying travel. And then once the money is gone? I disappear,...

I no longer pine for people who never even wanted me in the first place,...

This is so typical

The beautiful legacy necklace I ordered for my grandchild from Ireland???

STOLEN

I ordered 2. One ~ an expensive 18k gold with a real diamond, and a second matching one thats not as expensive as it's only10k  and a synthetic diamond instead of a real one. The expensive one was for my grandchild, The cheap(er), but still pricey knock off,  is for me so we could have matching necklaces. 

And then they also sent a free shamrock necklace as I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY,...

The package arrived today,... Only mine and the free necklace were inside and the expensive one (over $2000) was not in there. The packing slip says all three should be enclosed. So the one necklace has been stolen.

I tried to contact the company which already owes me a refund for another order that they screwed up,... and can't get in touch with a person. Just email. I left an email saying the $2000 necklace is missing from the order but the reply???? High volumn of customers and the wait just to hear back is 24 - 48 hours.

The company is GlenCara a jewellery company in Ireland. Does anyone know it and know if it's reputable? I had looked it up and thought it was,...

The first order I did, I clicked on BUY and a white screen saying "error" popped up. So I thought it hadn't gone through and did it again. Same thing. White page with "error". It dawned on me to check my bank accont and sure enough they had removed the cost TWICE. So both orders were active. (even though it said they didn't go through)  I had to contact the company to delete the first order and refund me that money but keep the second order. 

To date - many emails - but no refund and a missing necklace

To say I am worried is an understatement. I think I just lost over $2000.00. And there is nothing I can do but WAIT for their reply as they have NO PHONE NUMBER AT ALL! It has taken over a week of emails just to sort out that first order,... but today - I got the refund. So that was promising that it's not a scam company,...

However,... I am missing a $2000 necklace that has a packing slip that says it was packed and in my delivery,... how do I prove it wasn't? I am so worried that they will say it was in there - your loss - tough luck. And apparently I now have to wait 24 to  48 hours for them to even read my email.

I am so worried that I have just lost $2000 

I was only trying to do something nice for my granddaughter

So typical of my life,... nothing ever works out,... maybe this is another sign it's time to throw in the towel. Your losing,... everything you do you lose at now,... time to throw in the towel. The game is over and you have lost.

Go home now

I just need to "go away"

I am not even close to the same person I was 5 years ago. Life has changed me and not in a good way.

Infact I would argue there isn't even any of "me" left. I disappeared years ago. Today I am in survival mode. And I have been for a very long time.

I have also learned that my family wants nothing to do with me - I'm a mentally ill  monster. That is something that effects you right to your core,... I thought I was a good preson all my life. But now I realize I was not and nobody likes me. That too is something that effects you right to your core,..

And my pain and where I live have me in desperation Not a very proud thing to be in but thats how m y life has turned out. 

Living in survival mode,... Learning I am not wanted,... Having to cope with so much pain,... Living in this compound,... not being able to do simple things anymore and needing help,... have eaten away at me and eroded everything good inside of me that used to be there. I am now empty.

All of these things have changed me drastically. What used to be important no longer is. Surviving has been most important the past few years. But it's the desperation I have had in the past 6 months that have made me a recluse. I have never felt this feeling before in my entire life. But homeless is scary,... it makes you desperate. Pain is relentless. It makes you desperate. And when your desperate you don't care what people think anymore. You just need to survive. I became a recluse ~ completely hiding away from society. And in doing this, you tend to lose all your social graces. I no longer know how to "be" in social event. But more to the point ~ I never want to anymore. People have hurt me so much I just want to be left alone.

But the survival mode and the desperation have left people thinking I'm crazy,... and then they completely write you off. Now, your just a buden,... an annoyance,... and you can feel it everytime you deal with someone,... so you close off the world and hide. 

But in the end,... even if I was/am crazy,... is that any less reason for me to be helped? I'm still a person in pain who needs medical attention,... 

I've been written off as crazy ~ I just need to go away,..... I told you there was no place on this planet for me,... this is just another thing to prove it.