November 29th always leaves me spiralling

 

Another day of the fluffy white stuff

Yesterday was November 29th. The birthday of my twin sons. (they both died a few days after birth) They would have been 36 today if they had lived. It's funny how I can go for long periods of time not even thinking about them. But whenever this date arrives,... I spiral. I try not to make any kind of deal about it, but my mind does not forget. Even after all these years, I can still remember every detail about that day like it was last year. (here is a link to that blog post)

I tried to put a link in here but it won't work. It's the blog post dated November 29th 2024

I spent the day quietly. Trying not to think about it. But any mother will tell you ~ you can't forget the day your child dies,.... it is burnt into your memory.  Even after 36 years. So the day was quiet and somber.

Murphy hasn't recovered as fast as Molly has so I have had to keep an eye on him. He had two surgeries (neutered and a hernia was repaired). Molly is up and full of beans but Murphy has not left my side. He is either asleep on my chest or sitting beside me. He just doesn't want to leave my side. I was given some pain relief meds to give him and I think it has rendered him completely stoned. He just seems out of it. Yesterday was his last dose so I am hoping to see him pick up sometime today. If not, his post-op vet appointment is Wednesday. 

Although Game day is usually Saturday, Manchester played today instead. So I have had a quiet morning watching the game. They won. 

Overall, I am still miserable and don't want to be breathing. Life has gotten too physically hard and I just can't keep up anymore. The pain in my hands has prevented me from doing everyday tasks I need to do. I often get frustrated not able to open a bottle or jar. Even brushing my teeth is painful. With noone to help out, I am just not coping.

The cremation is all complete now. Written up and signed. My appointment with the lawyer to draw up a will is on December 2nd (Tuesday). That one is going to be hard as I have noone to leave the money to. I refuse to allow my children to have anything after turning their backs on me. But there just isn't anyone else. So I have had to decide who to leave this money to. I have narrowed it down to sick kids hospital or dividing it up to the 3 or 4 people who were there for me in BC and helped me when i was homeless. Why should my children get the money when they KNEW I was nomeless and didn't even reach out,... while long lost cousins and strangers DID help. THEY deserve the money. So I need to figure out how to do this in a will. Once it is drawn up, signed and payed for,... it will be time.

I hate every single part of my life except the cats. These two are the only thing I worry about. I need to know they will be put into a home that is loving and kind and will take great care of them. They are both very sweet cats and would add a lot of joy to any home. They have certainly been my whole life since I got them a few months ago.

But sadly my life is just too painful to carry on. It has gotten steadily worse even in the last few months to the point that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. Marijuanna doesn't even dull the ache anymore,... I need something much stronger. But with no doctor or health care I can't get that. They don't give out pain meds or mental health meds at the walk-in. So I am shit out of luck and that leaves me in UNBEARABLE PAIN.

And the only escape I see is death,....

Very, very sad. Especially knowing I could have been saved,...

But thats life now. 

In the end I just wasn't worth saving.

Again,... I DON'T WANT TO DIE

But living is just too hard now. And noone wants to help,.... sad.

Just want to die now

 Today started off ok. The storm has passed. I have been up most of the night. Just stress,.... thinking,.... can't cope anymore. And it's literally making me ill. My blood pressure is so high I stopped checking it when it passed 180,... don't want to know anymore.

I am going to be brutally honest. I dont want to die. But I can't live anymore. This poverty and living under the system is just too much. I have decdied to die even though I dont' want to.

But I can't find a place to live and I refuse to live here. But apparently the only escape out of Ontario Housing is DEATH.

I dont want  doctor anymore,...

I dont' even care if my kids come back or not,... I'm tired of being the bad one and they are never wrong,....  they either love me or they don't and they ovviosuly dont But I will always believe they have been influenced in thier feelings about me. They wont admit it but they have had thier father and step mother and aunt and uncle whispering in their ears for years,..... poor poor girls such a horrible monster of a mother,.... we feel you and we are on your side,....

I am tired and just want to die.

NOONE should have to fight for health care,... or a home. But I have been forced to have to fight for both on a continual basis over and over again. The threats of eviction I just won't accept. It's inhumane and not a nice way to deal with human beings. To them we are low life scum that need to be kept in linbe they are so hoirrible. And I wont do it anymore.

I hate Canada for what it has done to me (threw me away and left me to rot)

I hate my family for throwing me away because I'm mentallly ill.

I hate my friends for giving up on me becasue of ONE FUCKING COMMENT on Facebook and believing I meant it about them! Insulting. It was never about them,....

I hate the world and I dont want to be in it anymore.

My cremation plans have been sent today for me to sign and I can't sign it fast enough. The sooner I am cremated and scattered in the wind where noone has to ever deal with the mentally ill monster ever again can't be soon enough.

I hate this whole society for making me feel absolutely hated and unloved and unwanted,....

I hate my life and that is why I am ending it.

And NONE OF YOU can say a damn fucking thing as I asked for help but not one of you picked up the phone to give me any support at all. IGNORED

 ***crickets*** 

Like I dont even exist,..... you all want to treat me like I dont' exist??? Then it's time I dont',....

If I can't escape Doug Fords Ontario poverty I WILL end my life

 I don't want to die

I just want my family

But if I can't escape housing and the system

I will end my life

Premier Ford tells protester to 'go find a job' as controversial housing bill goes to vote...

The storm has rolled in. I am so grateful that Molly and Murphys surgery was yesterday rather than today. I would not have wanted to walk to the vets in this! It wouldn't have been nice for me or the cats. But since it is done, I am able to just stay inside and watch the storm. Snow is actually very pretty and if I don't have to be out in it I rather like it. 

The kittens did great. They came through the surgery fine. But I have had to keep them seperated ever since and THAT is what has been the hard part. These two kittens are so attached to each other they panic when they are not together. I had to put one in my bedroom and shut the door and the other in the livingroom. I switch them out every hour so they don't feel abandoned. The hardest part so far is only being able to be with one of them while the other is in another room and cries. (My poor neighbours). I have a soft heart and their cries really bother me. And I have to do this for 7 to 10 days!? Poor things,... I hate seeing animals not happy,...

However,.. I digress,...

I woke up to news that is devastating for anyone on OW (Ontario Works benefit) or ODSP (Ontario Disability benefit) Both of these benefits barely cover groceries let alone rent and the rest of your bills. Anyone on either of these beneftis is SUFFERING already,.... I have been shouting from the rooftops for change about this for 5 years now but with no success. Infact,... I learned that the poor are ignored and not cared about. The more I stood up for change? The more friends I lost on Facebook who were sick of having to see this 'blemish' on their timeline. Better to de-friend her than help or listen,... So in the end all that did was lose me all my friends.

Today, a bill is being voted on in parliment to change rent control. They want to remove the safety net that landlords can only charge so much making it fair for everyone. (or tis' suppose to anyway). Now,.. if this bill passes, landlords can charge what they want. No rent control at all. Ontario is already is a serious housing shortage and homelessness is rampant. THIS will only cause more homelessness. I am livid that they can get away with this. And if you watch this video, you will see our Premiers reaction to us poor ' "GO GET A JOB" he said,....

This proves he has ZERO respect for the poor and has no plans to make our lives easier. Instead he is working against us making life harder. NOONE will be able to afford rent now in Ontario anywhere. Doug Ford is a rich asshole and unless it effects him - he just doens't give a shit. He hates us 'down here'. He has proven that over and over again in his insulting comments about us. Get a job????? No fucking sympathy for the poor 

Now Ontario is fucked. Which means I'm fucked. If I can't find a place now,.... I'll NEVER find a place when this bill passes. I feel so abandoned. I'm sure all the poor in my postition felt ignored and abandoned. He has signed a lot of death warrents with this bill as I know MANY people will be thrown out on the street as this bill also makes it EASIER for landlords to evict as they are removing a lot of the red tape. Now it will be swift and quick. EVICTED.

I am so angry at Doug Ford. Who the fuck does this man think he is ignoring and abandoing the poor??????

To you I say,....

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD

This man has done nothing but work AGAINST the poor. And it has worked. I am done and can't take anymore of his discrimination making us have to struggle way to hard just to have a roof over our head and then have ZERO left over for bills and grocereies.

Doug Ford is trying to KILL OFF THE POOR so he doesn't have to deal with this blemish on society.

Karma Doug Ford,... Karma,.... someday you will have to face the pearly gates of heaven and then you will have to explain how you ignored the poor until we all killed ourselves unable to survive. Homeless and hingry out on the street because you all put MONEY ahead of human suffering,.... 

CONGRATUALTIONS DOUGY -~ you are officially my next hated man next to Trump. Infact,... I put you in the same category as TRUMP. Rich and only work for the rich,....

karma doug ford,.... i hope you get it in spades,....

And my heart goes out to all of us already suffering but will now be made to be homeless too.

What the fuck happened to my Canada??????

They are at the vets as I write this

Well I got Molly & Murphy to the vets. The weather hasn't turned bad yet so I was able to get there no problem. But the storm is on the way. I heard we will be getting about 8 to 10 cm of snow today. Fingers crossed I will be able to get a taxi when it comes time to pick them up. I won't deny that I am worried I will have trouble getting them back home. I can't walk them on a walker as they will be post-op. Too unwell for such a bumpy cold ride. They need a ride home in a car. 

When I got home, the apartment was so quiet. It felt wrong. I am so used to these 2 little rugrats having zoomies all day long it seems weird not to have them around. I have only had them since September but already I am so attached. They really do fill my day which is exactly what I wanted when I got them. They are expensive,... and they are a bit of work,... but I really dont' mind. The payoff of having these 2 lovely kittens is well worth the cost. 

I see noone,... I talk to noone. I am alone every single day. A recluse now. I haven't touched another human being in MONTHS. So, having these two to cuddle with is a gift I will always cherish. Their antics keep me laughing, and their cuddles keep  me sane. I have no regrets getting these two kittens. I have always had an affinity to animals. I think because of my mental illness I have a hard time being understood by people. But animals don't care. They don't care I'm mentally ill. As long as I love them and take care of them they are happy. I wish people were the same. But to me,... people are too complicated and I just don't want to be around them anymore. They hurt me,... animals don't,....

So now I sit here and wait. 

Too much pain to cope today

It's nearly four in the morning and I am awake. My pain is so bad I can't even think strait. My hands have what can only be described as 'electric shocks'. Painful. I can't take it anymore,.... Deep hot strings of pain shooting thorugh my hands constatly. I just cant take it!!!!!

But today I have to walk the cats to the vets for their surgery. (We have one taxi in this town and it's always busy so I can never get it) Both of them are getting fixed today. Murphy also has a hernia to be repaired. But a storm is on the way,... and it looks like I will have to walk them there on my walker during a snow storm. The ONE DAY I wanted good weather. And on top of this,... Ontario Housing has decided that today is the day they have closed down the elevaters for scheduled repairs. They sent a memo around last week saying it will be closed. They left a number to call if we need help that day so I called it ~ but guess what?

 I was fucking IGNORED AGAIN! 

No call back. So no help. I have to lug 2 cats and a walker down 3 flights of stairs so I can get them to the vets. And now,.... HOW do i bring 2 POST SURGEY cats up 3 flights of stairs to get them home??????? I think housing does these memos so they won't get sued. They do it as its the law and they are required to do it to cover their asses. But then when we try and call for help with the number they supply?  We get no answer. I left a detailed message saying I had an appointment and need help to get down to the lobby that morning,... but nothing. NO REPLY!  Do you think thats intentional? Do you think they never intended to help anyone?  or just me????? But I have to wonder as I asked for help for my broken fob for the automatic door opener. I put in 3 requests for that and none were answered (so I got upset and threw the fob and got an eviciton threat) So they do what they have to do legally in paper work,... but they never answer when we call that number!!!. And when we get frustrated and show any anger or emotion about it at all???? We get threatened. So THEY can do nothing,... and they dont get thrreatened with being thrown out of THEIR homes,.... only we do. WHY? Because we are low-life poverty scum they dont care about.

And this is proof. I phoned them to ask for help for todays vet appointment and got NO REPLY and it's been over 6 days I asked. They have no intention of helping us - they just covered their legal asses with a memo saying to call to ask for help. But they have no intention of answering anyone,.... so their asses are covered,... they did what they legally had to do,... so they wont get in trouble. 

But I now have to lug 2 cats and a walker and all my stuff down ~ and then back up ~ three flights of stairs. I'm 62 - disabled - and in a lot of pain and can't really do it. But I guess I have no choice. THIS is Ontario Housing living. IGNORED and left to fend for yourself.

To this day noone cares that I was bullied out of the gazebo,... noone batted an eye,.... just deal,.... thats life here. Your on your own so just deal on your own. And my way of dealing now is ~ I can't,.... I can't deal anymore. And THAT is why I will be dead and out of this fucking compound by spring.

It's too hard living here and I cant' do it anymore. How would you feel if your mother was forced to have to drag a walker and 2 cats up 3 flights of stairs???? Not nice,....

I am already in so much pain I can't think strait - yet now I have to physaiclly do shit I shouldn't be doing because there just isn't any help.

I am a fucking loser noone wants and has been thrown away to rot and fend for myself.

But I can't anymore. I can't. I dont have anything left to fight anymore,...

So fuck Ontario Housing,... and ODSP (still waiting to hear if I am allowed to keep it) fuck Fergus, and Wellington County in Ontario. Fuck my family for saying I am too mentally ill to love,... fuck everyone for the same thing,...

If I'm too mentally ill and hated? Then it's time to leave,....

fuck you all,... I am miserable and all any of you did was WATCH. That was so devastating to me that all i could see was noone cared and noone is ever going to care

so fuck you all ~ I'm done suffering,....

Lets hope I have a heart attack and die today