Happy "62nd" Birthday to me

♪♪ Happy Birthday to me,...

Happy Birthday to me,...

Happy Birthday dear Jacquie

Happy Birthday to me,...♪♪

Today I am 62. And I have made some serious life decisions.

Getting Molly has completely turned my attitude around. Suddenly I have something in my life. Now I have a responsibility. No more wanting to die,... because now,... I have a reason to live. Molly. I don't even know if this kitten is even 2 pounds yet. Soooooo tiny. Yet this little bundle of fur has completely turned my life around. I always knew I couldn't live without a pet. This is proof. Now,... I have to look forward. 

I knew that getting Molly meant I am now no longer making decisions for just me. I realize now that I have a responsibility to this cat for the next 15 to 20 years. That means I have to be around for her and that means I have to give up the idea of suicide and MAiDs. I don't have the luxury of "leaving" this planet anymore as I have a little soul who is completely reliant on me. In getting Molly,... I have made the decision to keep on living no matter how bad life gets. It's not just me anymore,... I have another life I am responsible for and that forces me to stick around as long as she is on this planet. This was a BIG decision for me as life has been really challenging and I did just want to end it for the relief. Choosing to get a pet insures I can never end my life. 

I have decided that if it is immpossible to get out of this building, then I will make plans to change my life so I can survive living here. And one of the things I have decided to do is make sure I go away once a year. Even if it's just to visit Trish in Ottawa for a long weekend,... it will help my mental health by getting out of this enviroment. THAT is whats killing me. THIS PLACE. So I need a vacation away from it once a year. I am frugal and can stretch a penny like it's a rubber band. As long as I have time on my hands I can budget and save for a holiday. Even if it's only a weekend away. But having this will give me something to look forward to every year. 

Darren and Mark NO LONGER EXIST TO ME. If they try and scream at me again,... I look right through them and pretend I don't even see them and walk away. I NEVER go into the gazebo again. THAT enviroment is what has caused all of my issues lately so if I ditch the gazebo forever,... no more drama. The gazebo has always been a toxic enviroment so I really don't feel bad not going in there anymore. I just don't want to associate with those kind of people. Not ALL of them are bad,... but the couple who are - Darren and Mark - are horrible. So just avoid,... avoid,... avoid,...

I have Molly now. I don't need the gazebo.

I have some things I am thinking about for the future but right now they are just thoughts,... (suggestions accepted on how to keep busy this winter,...) But I do know that this up-coming long winter is going to be a challenge for me. The snow and cold keeps me couped up inside far too long and I get cabin fever. I am not built to be stuck inside an apartment to watch tv all day. I NEED A LIFE. Something to do,... it's not a want. It's a need. If I don't find something to occupy this brain this winter I am going to go insane. 

I have ideas and thoughts but nothing concrete. Money is tight but I have to find something I can afford to do. I am completely empty inside right now. I need life to fill me back up again. Molly is a great start but I still need more.

If I am to survive,... I HAVE to find a life.

I have seriously been thinking about moving way up north here in Ontario where the rent is cheaper. I have a housing benefit that transfers over to any rental I have as long as I live in Ontario. What if I packed up and moved up North? Thunder Bay? Sudbury? I don't work and therefore I don't have to find a town with emplyment for me. I just need to find a place with low rent. I don't care if I live in Northwest Territories,... I just need away from Fergus and city life. I am NOT a city girl. I was in heaven while in BC. THAT is the lifestyle I crave. Unfortunately BC is far too expensive for me too afford. However,... what about up North? I am thinking of calling my old friend Beth who is a Real Estate agent who specializes in seniors downsizing in the Northern region. With my family literally messaging me to "Fuck off and leave and never return"? Maybe I will,... there just isn't anything holding me here anymore. Infact,... it's hard living in a town that your daughter does too but she hates you and wants nothing to do with you. I would rather just get the fuck out of this area and start fresh. I have been researching and it does look feasable,... however after my BC fiasco there will be a lot more researching and I will need a better - more stable - plan. This time I will use a Real Estate agent or reputable agency for rentals. I will visit it first. Infact maybe I will spend a few days there on holiday before I commit to renting. Whatever I end up doing,... it will be well researched this time. And noone else will be involved. JUST ME. (and of course Molly now too). I know up North is cold. But I am Canadian and I know all about cold. I think if I can get the hell out of Fergus and into a town with a bus route or more than one taxi driver - my life could be better.

And so for this birthday I give myself the gift of not only Molly,... but life. And I am DETERMINED to get the hell out of this building and this town and finally LIVE.

Can it be done? I don't know but if it can ~ I will make it happen.

I refuse to spend the next 20 years sitting infront of a tv doing nothing.

I will get a new life and it starts today on my 62nd birthday.

And just like that,... it's now a home.

As you can see by the pictures,... I got my cat. But she didn't come the way I expected her too. The cat organization I was trying to work with was just not panning out. If I had gone with them,... it would have cost me $250 for the cat as well as about $150 in taxi fares - TWICE - bringing the total to $550 ~ just to get a cat.

So I was really disappointed. I wanted to give up on the idea altogether and just sell the stuff I had bought already for her and move on. But I decided to check Kijiji before I gave up. Most of the cats on there are purebreds costing over $1000. But there were others,... and the one that caught my eye was "Luna". A 6 week old kitten. The person was asking $80 for her which I found very reasonable so I called her. Within the hour she was mine. I explained to the woman I had no car and was having trouble picking up a cat. She lived in Fergus too and DROVE the kitten to me!!! It suited both of us as she wanted to see where her kitten was going. So after trying 2 'official' cat organizations where I just got the run-around - I ended up getting her on Kijiji and it only took an hour. When the woman heard it was my birthday tomorrow and she was my gift to myself, she waived the cost entirely and gave her to me for free! But now I will have the cost of spaying and the vets but thats ok with me as long as I got my cat.

The woman does not know her history. She found her. We think she is 6 weeks old but I really don't know. I made an appointment with the vet for next Thursday so I will get a better idea how old she is then. I didn't really want a kitten. I'm a senior and thought I was beyond the 'baby' stage. But she is so adorable and fun I am glad I got her. She is quite a personality and she has filled up my home with love and laughter. THIS is what I was missing,... another soul in my life.

I got no sleep last night but I don't even care. She has filled up my heart and home and I couldn't be happier.

I changed her name to "Molly May  Luna" (keeping her old name too). I have already run across the street to the dollar store and bought every cat toy they had. She is a going concern and very busy. But she has me laughing out loud which is something I haven't done in months.

Welcome Molly May,... lets hope we can both make each otheres lives better.

 

I just wanted a cat for my birthday on Saturday - thats all

It's been one week sonce I put my cat application in and nothing. My birthday is Saturday and I wanted to have a cat for it. But the wheels of adminastration grind slowly. I have had one phone call to talk about my application. They seemed very concerned that I don't have a car. (???) I didn't realize cat ownership relied so heavily on owning a car. But they seem to think that it will hinder me. She even called my reference and said she was concerned I had no transportation if the cat got sick (??? It's called a taxi!!!)

I just can't help thinking that this world just doesn't want me to have a cat! Whenever I got my past pets,... I went to the humane society and picked up a cat THAT DAY. I didn't realize that getting one through these volunteer organizations was going to be so hard. And who knew that not having a car was going to be a factor.

THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR - all I want is a cat.

So,  if I don't hear from this Cats annonymous by noon ~ I forget them and move on and go to the Guelph or Ornagevill humand society. This is the 2nd organziation I have contacted where they don't seem to concerned about getting their cats homes. They are more concerned about following rules and regulations and would rather NOT helpo out someone than bend the rules so people without cars can get cats too,...

I am so sick of having no car or transportation

So,.... you guys a whole week to get me a cat and nothing ~ crickets ~ so I think I will be going somewhere else.

All I want is a cat!!!!!

And once you have made that decision,... you just want one. THAT day. So I will probobly be going into Guelph or Orangeville which is going to cost me a FORUNE - at least $100 each way. THAT is why I cannot do it twice "cats annonymous". WHY should I have to go to the meet and greet and then go home and make an appointment to pick up the cat I choose??? It doesn't make sense to me and it's a huge waste of money for me. I just can't justify wasting $200 on transportation just to buy a cat. WHY can't they bend the rules so i can only come out once and leave with my cat?????

Why do I always seem to have to jump through hoops for every damn thing I need??? I just want to be like everyone else and get things the easy way,...

The National Disability finally called me back yesterday just to tell me they now need DOCUMENTS. So now I have to walk back into town just to get ONE photo copy of my id to send to them. I am still suffering from last weeks marathon walk into town. I am still in pain from THAT walk. Yet here ~ because I have no car!!!! ~ I have to walk a 5 km round trip to get ONE photo copy. All so I can beg for basic needs like food and shelter.

So sick of having to jump through hoops for things others get without even thinking about.

I will get my cat. But WHY it had to be such a frustrating ordeal is beyond me. This group has made me feel like I am not good enough for one of their cats. So be it,....

I will go somewhere else and a cat in your place just lost their chance at a fur=ever home. Becasue your volunteers are too busy,....

I will get my cat,....

Just sick to death of the run around to do it,.....

But I WILL get my cat

Looking forward

I'm having a hard time getting going today. My injured shoulder hasn't been getting better leaving me sidelined. So I'm struggling with everything. But I went through my Facebook messenger and deleted most of the 'fake account' trollers (again,... why?) so I have put a line under it all and I am starting fresh. My Facebook has been on lockdown for months so I haven't gotten any since I came back home to Ontario. So, fingers crossed,.... it's all behind me and forgotten.

Moving on,... and not looking backwards. It serves me no purpose to hold on to any of it. So yesterday, I made the conscious decision to move forward. I took a deep breath and exhaled,... today I start a fresh life. No more bullies or choldish playground games. I put it all behind me,...

But what does that look like when your in your sixties living in Ontario Housing? Its nearly immpossible to eek out any kind of life when your drowning,... but if I am to survive, I have to try. And trying means changing my old ways. My old ways weren't working so now I have to change. 

No more gazebo. I want nothing to do with those people anymore. Sadly there a few people I did like and will miss but the bullies have left a very sour taste in my mouth. All my problems are with Darren. So to end that problem? Stay the fuck away from Darren and his giant bully. So as of now,... I never go out to that gazebo again.

I also started to chat with a couple of the women I used to a few years ago here in the building. Nothing heavy, just a quick chat here and there. It's not a lot but it's better than being completely alone. I am not comfortable around women so I try and keep things short and sweet and fun. Why am I so uncomfortable around other women? I think because I am not like other woman. And I think this is why I only had a handful of women friends in my lifetime. 

My lifestyle is different than most women. I don't have a lot of the same interests as the 'stero-typical' girl. Even having received my settlement money, I have yet to spend one penny on nails, hair, make-up or clothes. Because none of those things interest me. When most women go out for fun, they go shopping or get their nails done. When I want to go out for fun, I watch football. I haven't worn any make-up in years. And my last real haircut by an actual hair stylist? Before covid, so five years ago? I just bend over at the waist and let my hair hang down and cut the ends. It's so curly I always wear it up anyway so if it ends up looking hideous, noone will tell. I am a tomboy. I dont' really care what I look like. 

I would rather by a football jersey than nice shoes,...

I would rather go to a game than go out for a girly wine night,...

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than a modern home in the city,...

I would rather sit around a campfire than watch tv all night,...

And these are not 'typical' girl things. So I often found it hard to get along with woman. Our interests were never the same. They went shopping Saturdays while I watched footy.

So I spent a lot of time alone. 

But now I am slowly making tentative baby steps back out into the 'outside' world. I will be staying well clear of that gazebo, but I can still go out if someone is with me. Yesterday I sat out front of the building with anther woman. We talked about cats. Nice and safe. Enjoyable. Just friendly chit chat. It felt nice to be around another human being. I have been isolating myself away again and I am bored and unsettled. I NEED to get outside. The bad weather is coming and I need to enjoy what good weather we have left. So fuck the bully boys and just move on. If THEY have a problem then it's theres. As far as I'm concerned they no longer exist.

I have put an application in to adopt a cat but transportation is proving to be a problem once again. The organization I am dealing with is about a 25 minute drive away. Not a big deal if you have a car, but paying for a taxi will be pricey. I will do it if it means I can get a cat but geeeez,... yet another thing carless people have to deal with. This particular place wants me to come to their weekly 'meet-and-greet" to interact with the cats. I have NO problem with that at all. I want to see the cats too. But their policy is they don't give that cat to the person that day. They have to come back another time to pick up the cat. Again, if I had a car - no problem whatsoever,...but,... to pay for a taxi twice is getting a bit expensive. So right now I am waiting for a call from the 'cat lady' (sorry dont know her name) to see if they will bend the rules and allow me to come out there only once and pick up a cat that day. I tell you there are days I get so frustrated not having my old car,... I never even THOUGHT about these problems when I drove. I just jumped in my car and went. It's been hard not having transportion. I have always been so independent with my car. Now I feel helpless,....

All I want is a cat!!!! There are millions of cats around the world needing homes but without a car I will be spending about $200 just on transportation to get one. Of course it will be worth it,... but it's just not necessary especially when money is so tight right now. This is what I mean when i say "The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here in the system,..." (I lost a lot of friends sticking to that statement but I still stick to it,...) I used to BE middle class so I know exactly what I'm talking about,...

I wish I could hire a 'driver' like rich people do just so I could get everything I needed doing ~ DONE! But instead I have to do everything the hard way,.... walk or pay for a taxi. 

Again,... all I want is a cat,...

So today I sit here waiting for a phone call like some expectant father,... ***sigh*** Fingers crossed I have a cat by my birthday on Sunday,....

Mollie Margaret (after Maggie) or Murphy McMessi (Or Murphy Boots McCallister) still can't decide,....

THIS is why I left Facebook

Back when all of this was happening, I was too distracted with other things to deal with this so I just ignored them. But now that everything has calmed down and I have time to think, I have been thinking about these messages that trolls sent me. I couldn't process them at the time - too busy. But now? For someone who doesn't even know me (presumably by their name I don't know) to accuse me of this is LOW. How does a stranger even know I have a cat? Or that I am moving? Now that I have time to re-read them,... I realize someone has no life and deliberately messaged me to hurt me. And they weren't the only one. Over the past few years I got dozens and dozens of messages similar to this from what ended up to be FAKE accounts. 

What I haven't talked about here on this blog yet is the trolls I had to deal with over the past 6 months. Now that I have time to process the MEANESS of these people I am saddened. Not mad,... saddened for however has no life and had to troll me with dozens of messages trying to hurt me. Just SAD.

Before I left for BC,... this FAKE ACCOUNT messaged me with this message. How nice. A STRANGER who doesn't even know me thought I would DUMP Maggie??? Obviously I would NEVER do this to my cat. THIS is TONYA HALLS. THIS is what she did to me over the past few years. I can't PROVE it was her,... but who else would it have been? I am sorry if there is a REAL Natalie Barber out there because someone has used your account to do this to me.

So to this person,.... FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

This message was from a fake person and it was designed to get me upset. I ga ve them a piece of my mind as it was so blatantly fake. But the COWARD who wrote it would NEVER reply back. TROLLS. People who deliberately go out of their way to hurt people.

Again I can't prove it was TONYA,... but who else would it have been??????? And this was not the only message I got from FAKE accounts just out to try and piss me off. I ignored them all but they were very, very hurtful about things they were saying. I just blocked all the senders and deleted the messages. But it made me stop using Facebook for the longest time.

Playground games designed to hurt people,.... WHY?

For the record,... I would never have dumped Maggie and I RESENT anyone thinking I would. 

To this fake Natale Barber ~ FUCK YOU Aand go find someone else to hurt you fucking troll.

This proves your nothing but a mean hurtful spiteful cow Tonya,....

Nice try but it didn't work

Maggie was treated like a Queen until her last breath,....

And fuck you for trying to soil that memory you fucking CUNT

 doesn't even know me 

Thinking of a new addition

 I got a great nights sleep. That rarely happens nowadays so it felt good to get up and feel rested. And the weather - sunny and bright - just put me in a good mood this morning. But I have to confess the cheery attitude could be down to another reason. I have decided to actively look for another cat. I was put off due to the correspondance I had with the first cat rescue place I tried. But, there are other cat rescues. Infact there are thousands of cats out there looking for a home so I know I will eventually find one. I'm so sure that I ordered all new cat stuff and had it delivered already. My apartment is now cat-ready. And this has left me smiling. Maybe this is exactly what I need right now. I hope so. But,... my life does tend to be precarious and things rarely ever go as planned so I am prepared for something to happen preventing me from getting another cat. It's just my life,... it's just the way my life always goes. Hope for the best,... but be prepared for the worst,....

But I am optomistic that I will get a cat. And if I do - it will change things. My days won't be so empty making me feel so worthless. It's not a lot, but it will help. I will have something to focus on. And the companionship I already know about as I am a big animal lover and have had many pets. I know me and I pour everything I have into my pets. They become my whole life. They become my child. I know that makes me sound like a crazy cat lady or something but I think any pet owners out there can understand how a cherished pet can give you a reason to live. 

If I can't leave my unit,... then i will make a life for myself inside it. And the first thing I can do is get a pet. 

So fingers crossed,... I will be treating myself to a kitty cat for my 62nd birthday this year. 

I already have the cats name,...