I am standing on my balcony,…

Wondering if 3 stories is high enough to die if I jump,…

Can't do this anymore,....

So fucking tired of the constant struggle just for basic needs,....

too fucking tired to do it anymore,...

Goodbye 

Should I stay or should I go?

Day light savings time. I woke up early only to find the clocks fall back last night so I have an extra hour adaded on to my day. I already can't find enough to do to keep me occupied,... *** sigh ***

It's Sunday - and my team plays today. Manchester United play Chelsea in an hour. So I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube videos. Like I do every morning. Boring,... boring,... boring,... but there just isn't anything else to do.

My body has failed me. Usually this time of year I would be out hiking. Fall is my favourite time of year and I love going to the trails and just spending time out in nature. But with no car,... I can't get to the trails anymore. And even if I could,... I couldnt navigate them with a walker. My stupid body has failed me so I can't hike anymore. One of my free passtimes,... gone. I can't afford anything else and I have no car to get there even if I could. I am trapped here inside my apartment and it SUCKS! I can't tell you what it's like to sit in a chair day after day starring at a tv that is airing shows you have seen over and over again. It's mind numbing and it is starting to takes it's toll. I am worried as usually the summer isn't bad as I can at least get out to the gazebo. But now that I am not going out anymore,... I am secluded away inside. A recluse. That is what I have turned into ~ a recluse. No one ever visits,... noone ever calls,... noone even cares if I exist at all,... 

As i sit here drinking my coffee, I look around. My apartment is a mess right now. Becasue I took everything down off of the walls and packed it all away (or threw out) the place looks bare. On top of that I have been collecting boxes from every dleivery I have gotten over the past few years. Why? In the hopes of moving. As you know I can't stand living here anymore. The gossip has become toxic and has sent me underground. I just don't feel welcome here and instead feel preyed on by Tonya Halls and Darren Green. But I can't do this anymore. It looks like I am in the process of either moving in or moving out. There are boxes piled up high everywhere. 

I really do hate it here ~ and would rather die than live here

So I sit here now in complete desperation. Becasue right now I am stuck. I have to make a decision about what I want to do. It's become clear that there is nowhere else to go. THIS is the bottom and there is nowhere else I am ever going to find at this rent. So it is clear I am well and truly STUCK here whether I like it or not. But I just can't seem to get myself to unpack and put this apartment back together again. My heart just isn't in it because I don't want to be here. IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME HERE. I feel unwanted and attacked. Leaving me hiding away. Thats not a life. So I really do not want to live here anymore. But the only escape I have is DEATH.

So I am constantly on the fence about whether to stay here and suffer in this beige box which feels like a prison rather than a home? Or to end my life and finally get relief from this hell hole. And every morning I sit here - my anxiety way too high - trying to convince myself to stay. But every day I have fewer and fewer reasons to tell myself to stay. 

Today I have no reasons to stay. My apartment is not a home. It is shelter. And that is all. My life is not my own,... my government owns me and tells me how much I am worth ~ which isn't much. So today I sit here,... completely depressed trying to find a reason to stay,...

But there isn't one,... there is no reason to live and every reason to leave,...

I just don't have it in me to try and find something to do for 16 to 18 hours a day when there is nothing to do,... no money or car,... my body broken,... I have been left to fend for myself and I just can't anymore.

I am too tired and more to the point ~ I just don't want to anymore.

All my reasons for staying,... are now gone. 

So today I sit here trying to decide. Fix up my apartment by getting it all out of storage or slit my throat with a scalpel??????

And I just don't feel like fixing my apartment as I just don't care anymore what it looks like. It's just a coffin waiting for me to die in,... so maybe I just need to hurry that process along,....

What a waste of a life ~ all because I am mentally ill and therefore an unwanted monster!!!!!!!

Please let me find the courage today to end my life. 

Reflecting on the past

I am in a funk,... definitely in a deep reflective mood today. I just can't help thinking about the past and things that are gone and I will miss forever,... It's not a very healthy place to be in really. For someone who is already deeply depressed all that reminiscing does is break my heart for the things I have lost and will never ever get back,...

The one thing I have to admit I miss the most is my old boyfriend, Rob. After my ex husband left me it took a year or two to pull myself together enough to want another relationship. When I did, I joined a local single parent social group. I love darts and one of the events was a dart night at a local bar. That is where I met Rob. We clicked right away. I was living in my childhood home with my recently widowed mother at the time. Our relationship was strained to say the least, so I spent a lot of time at Robs place in Wildfield. A tiny little village near Bolton, Ontario which basically consisted of a small sub-division, a church and gas station. It was out in the middle of nowhere and we loved that. Rob was recently divorced himself and was now living in a basement apartment there. And for the next few years that turned out to be our haven. We clung to each other there while we both went through some tough times.

Rob ended up being the love of my life. I know most would expect me to say it was the father of my children but it wasn't. Rob and I had a lot in common that my ex and I never did. I can see looking back that my ex was not the man for me. Rob was,...

Rob was not perfect. Infact I think thats what drew us to each other. We had a lot of the same struggles in life. We both suffered with depression. We were both adopted and had issues connected with that. We were both recently seperated with both of us losing our children to our ex. I think these things made us understand where we were both coming from in our character and behaviour. Like I said before,... Rob was not perfect. And the end of our relationship was traumatic. We had a fight where I came home to find him throwing knives at the wall. His anxiety was out of control. HE was out of control. I fled,... infact,... that is when I became homeless. I didn't have a home of my own for three months after that. But I digress. I loved Rob anyway. Because all that aggresion was just hurt. I knew him. He was tormented inside. I don't know what would have happened that night if I had stayed. Probobly one of us would have gotten hurt or arrested. So I don't regret fleeing into the night. I do regret we never talked again and resolved what happened. The next thing I heard he had hung himself. And that was another of my big devastations in life. Right up there with the loss of the twins. Rob was my soul mate. Neither one of us was perfect. But what he had was a passion for our relatinship. I always felt my "role" in my marriage to my ex-husband was "housekeeper". I never had a deep realtionship with Jeff. It was very superfical and lonely. But with Rob,... he was 100% invested in me and it showed. He showered me with love and attention. He didn't have a lot of other friends either so we ended up being together all the time. (My ex was a social butterlfy and was always out with his friends rather than me) But that wasn't a bad or suffocating thing. We both enjoyed it. It was so long ago now (2004 or 2005'ish) so I can't remember all the details anymore. But I know the only thing we fought about was because he wanted to find a place togerther and get married. I was still living at my moms home. (although rarely there,...) My divorce stipulated that if I co-habitated with another individual - male or female - I would lose my spousal support. I had just won that support and did not want to give it up. Not yet anyway. So that was a are one and only bone of contention in our relationship. In the end it's good I stuck with my guns as if I had moved in with him and lost the support I would have been screwed financially later. I was happy just being the way we were. I had just come out of a 15 year long marriage and I didn't want another ring on my finger. I wanted to concentrate on myself. Getting educated and back into the work place. I needed time as an individaul again to rebuild myself before I got into another marriage. But Rob admitted many times that "he just isn't any good without a woman by his side taking care of him" and I loved to do that which is why the relationship was so good. But he wanted to get married. I refused. And sadly both of our stubborness ended the relationship. And now he is dead. There is no going back.

I have had so many losses in my life through the death of loved ones,... so many,...

I have never been a woman who needs a man. I enjoy being with a man,... but I dont go out and seek one. I am not on any dating sites (but who am I kidding,... a man would not be winning a prize dating me would he?) And after things ended with Rob I didn't want to be with anyone. Kirk manipulated his way into my life and I literally just gave in because he wore me down and it was easier just to say ok, but I NEVER loved Kirk. I don't even miss him now,... which seems mean to say but he did cheat on me - MULTIPLE times with MULTIPLE women so he kind of did it to himself. But again I digress,... back to Rob. For some reason all I can think about today is him. Rob,... How caring and loving he was. Spoiling me with gifts and cooking for me and having Christmas picnics on the basement floor because thats all we had and all we could afford. We didn't mind. We were in love and didn't need money or things. We were happy. Thats not to say life was perfect,... but we loved each other and there was contentment there. It was the one time in life I felt happy and content with a man. Rob really was a good person. But like myself he had a few demons of his own to deal with and in the end that was what killed him. 

I can't tell you how much I miss that man. Rob Smith,... thank you for being there and loving me unconditionally. You were the last ~ and probobly only ~ man I ever loved.

R.I.P. and maybe someday we can meet up again.

And now I really do have to try and get out of this funk. These spirals can be so dangerous. 

Really Amazon!?

I had a rude awakening this morning. I was in a deep sleep when my apartment phone started ringing. It took me a minute to wake up and orientate myself and by that time the phone stopped ringing. But of course I leaped out of bed anyway. Who is in the lobby of my building at 4:59 in the morning!? I honestly thought it was the police. Who else could it be? I was in suck a deep sleep that I was having a hard time clearing my head and figuring out what was going on. Then I dressed and opened my door. Noone in the hall. I looked out the window. No cop cars,... no car at all infront of the door of the building. Hmmm WHO was ringing my phone at 4:59 in the morning? I was starting to get worked up now. Was this someone from the building locked out and needing in? I had no clue. 

Then my cellphone rings. What!? I answer it with obvious question in my voice. Hello? "Yes this be amazon delivery" Some guy in such broken english I could barely understand what he was saying. I pretty much only got the word Amazon,... what? You are waking me up at 4:59 in the morning for an Amazon order delivery? I couldn't believe it. So I went down to the lobby and retrieved my delivery. As you can imagine I was NOT a happy girl. So i relayed that to the delivery driver (I HAD just been woken up!) and said I will be making a complaint about this! (Yeah I know,... not my finest hour) I took my package of Gold bond talc powder and epsom salts upstairs. By the time I got back up to my apartment unit the driver had texted me. "I'm on my shift. Shift's schedule is provided by Amazon. Please don't complain about me. But of course you can complanin about delivery time. I hope you understand. Thank you. have a good day" What do you say to that? He is right in that he didn't schedule the delivery. So I will complain but not about the driver himself - just the scheduled time. Come on Amazon,... really? You wake people up to deliver? I really could have waited another 6 hours to get my gold bond and epsom salts,... 

But now that I was up ~ I was up. That's how I am. Once I have been woken up out of a deep sleep I can't get back to sleep again. So I just put the coffee on and started my day. But I am still physically shaking from having such a rush awakening. 

So here I am at five o'clock in the morning. Sat with my coffee watching youtube. Vaping to try and calm down. I am presently watching Vacant Haven explore another abandoned mansion somewhere in England. Phew,... ok,... I think I am calm now. 

I don't usually jump out of bed and start writing strait away but this morning was just so annoying I had to purge that and let it go before i could move on,... and now that I have,... I can re-set and re-start my day in a calmer and nicer way.

Roll on "Vacant Haven" and your abandoned mansion with the Hobbit House,...

Going in the hole,...

First day of the month ~ balancing the bank account. When i get paid,.. the money is already allocated and has been for about two months. When i say I am doing my budget, it is for the months ahead. That way I am sure not miss anything coming up. 

But there is very little money to budget. And as I type this I am almost $400 in the hole. Why? Because i got hungry. And I got sick of an empty fridge and pantry and scavenging my kitchen like an animal instead of cooking meals. I was eating one piece of chicken with nothing (or on a bun) I would tons of cereal. But no meals. I would just graze all day. My 'main' meal is never usually big. It's usually one meat pie (with nothing) or one piece of meat with nothing. I really do eat very little. 

But no flavour! Just beige food wt\ith more beige food. My taste buds haven't had anything exciting in months and months. Today I broke down and made a Walmart grocery order. Usually they come to about $150. And it's my total food for the month. And believe me when i say it's nearly immpossible to live off of $150 of groceries a MONTH. Over the years I have learned to stretch everything I buy. But this time I made a $250 order. I didn't actually get anything you might call a 'treat'. (Ok, ginger snap cookies are considered a treat,...) But I got MEAT. I got pork shishkabobs,... and a small pot roast. And with this I got produce. FRESH produce. I never get fruits or vegetables anymore so this could be called a treat I guess. I got potatoes and carrots and onions. I know the produce will only last the first few weeks but I don't mind. For the first week of November I am going to make crockpot meals. REAL meals,... meat, potatoe, veg,... meals. I wasn't able to buy a lot more but now I can have a real meal twice a week. So now I am planning a home cooked crock pot meal every Wednesday and Sunday. 

I decided to do this because I have noticed I have been feeling hungry lately. Especailly at night when I go to bed and try to sleep. It's hard to fall asleep when your tummy is growling. And the other day after I was brushing my hair out after my shower - handfuls were coming out on the brush. My body is showing signs of not eating well. All the boxed, stodgy, starchy food is not healthy at all. My father had an allottment where he grew vegetables when we were growing up. I miss FRESH food. So this month, even though I knew I didn't have the money and would have to find it next month to replace it, I didn't care. I have been CRAVING fresh vegetables. I have been dreaming about fresh vegetables,... I am NOT a box of KD kind of girls. I grew up having three very healthy wholesome meals a day. And when I had a family I carried on this tradition. It was only when I fell on hard times that I had to start giving up the healthy stuff.

Helathy food is twice the cost of crap food. So to make ends meet I buy a lot of boxed and frozen food. But now,... my body is rebelling. It wants something more substantial than cereal and meat pies every day. So I am considering this my early Christmas present to myself.  FOOD!!!! I still have to give up that $100 I spent this month in December leaving me with a smaller budget again - but I don't care. Tonight I am having crockpot chicken with potatoes,... carrots,... and onions. And I am NOT going to feel guilty about it.

I have actually been watching a lot of Youtube videos on storing food properly to go furthur. i find my fresh carrots and potatoes only last a few weeks in my dark cool pantry. I need them to last for a whole month!! So if anyone has any secrets for this I would open to listen. 

So I paid all my bills and bought everything I needed and am nearly $400 in debt. ALL SO I CAN EAT! Each month I am dipping into the 'buffer' amount and now it's nearly gone. I need to pay it back. So the next six months are going to be very, very tight as I will have to be giving up even more to balance the budget. 

Not even a loonie extra for a Christmas,... so I don't even think about one. I just  know it will never happen so don't look forward to it. just know it will be a day like any other day. No friends or family,... no festive dinner,... no presents,... no carol singing,... just another day. When you know this ~ it makes it a tiny bit easier as you don't hope so your not disappointed. I instead watch my football.

So,... panic over. Groceries have been bought and received and I can eat for another month. :)

$250 does not go far anymore,....

First Week at Lodge | Remote Winter Caretaking On The West Coast of Brit...

It's a typical fall day. The first day of November has brought low hanging grey clouds. The wind is gusty tossing leaves into my livingroom from the open balcony door. Fall is definitely here.

Traditionally November is not the best month for me. Too many 'anniversaries' to get through. The birthday of the twins. Shawns death date,... Ians death date,... and of course it is the run up to my most dreadest time of year ~ Christmas. So November is the beginning of the festive ads on tv and decorations everywhere you look. It's all just a painful reminder that December 25th is just another day to me. I will spend it alone. Doing nothing that even resembles a holiday. To me December 25th is football day. Thankfully Englands Premier League usually has games played that day. So thats what that day is to me. There won't be a decoration or a dinner in sight. Just me, Maggie and football. 

This time of year also brings cabin fever. I rarely get outside as it is. But once the bad weather is here I don't get out at all. It's been this way ever since I had to give up my car a few years ago. With no car,... I am housebound. And i have the type of personality that needs to be distracted. Watching tv all day is actually causing me mental anguish. The boredom is driving me mad. 

I spend about an hour or two cleaning each day. This eats up time. But other than that all I have available for me to do is watch tv. It is my only window to the outside world I have. I spend my mornings drinking my coffee and watching YouTube. I have long since cut the cable cord so I only stream now. You Tube is my FREE guilty pleasure. I can spend hours surfing through the millions of videos and not find anything at all. I do have to admit that there is a lot of GARBAGE out there. But every now and then you come across something you enjoy. Today I doscovered Matt and Emile. A young couple that took a job as caretakers to a lodge way up in the rainforest of British Columbia. I have been to British Columbia and specifically Vancouver island. It's where all my father's family live. And I can tell you honestly that BC Canada is one of the most beautiful places in the world. The mountains,... the ocean,... the rocky shorelines are breath-taking. Although this YouTube channel takes place on the island it still showcases just how unbelievably beautiful this part of the country is. So I have enjoyed following this couples journey. I may not be able to get outside and enjoy nature,... but I can virtually with this couple. I don't get a lot of positive in my life but 'escaping' through these types of Youtube videos does help some,...

I am on Day six of their journey,...