I'm fed up and just want MAiDS now

This is the email I sent to our local MP:

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I phoned your office last week but someone called and told me to put it in writing. 

I am desperate for a doctor. I DESPERATELY need a physical. I have multiple problems that need addressing. But I have no family doctor. When I try the walk in, I have screenshot how I have to call over 200 times to get through. To the point I don't even bother anymore. I can never get through.  And even if I do make an appointment I am only allowed ONE issue. What do I pick???? Heart problem? I think I have cancer? what is the most important issue? I can't decide and more to the point ~ I shouldn't have to.

I have given up trying to get health care. Today I got another ambulance bill for $45. I am refusing to pay this bill. As the ambulance seems to be my ONLY health care. I am not paying for it. Over the past few years I accumulated ambulance bills of over $500 and was HOUNDED BY CREDITERS 3 times a day for it until I got mad and called them and had to sort it out. . The harassment from this credit company was unbelievable. THREE TIMES A DAY they phoned me to harass me for payment.

So I let them know, and I am now letting you know, that I have given up on all health care. The next time my blood pressure goes over 200 (which it does about every 3 or 4 weeks) and I will need the hospital????? I refuse to call 911. Lets just deal with the consequences instead. heart attack or stroke.

I NEED A DOCTOR!!!!!!!! I NEED A PHYSICAL ~ desperately!!!!

But after 4 years of no health care I have decided to end all things to prolong my life. Why would i prolong this suffering???? I stopped all medication as it's too hard to get without a doctor. And now I am refusing to call 911 ever again. I do not want creditors calling me 3 times a day ever again. And that's what will happen if I call 911 again,....

I live in poverty. I got hit by a car February 2024. With no doctor I am still without the use of my right hand. I have deficits that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE PROPER CARE WITHOUT A DOCTOR. Nothing got fixed properly and I am suffering with the results.

I have given up looking anymore.

I hope the next time I need an ambulance but refuse to call,... I hope you can all sleep at night. I have done nothing but ask for help for 4 years and got none.

And now get this!!!!! ODSP is threatening to take this benefit away from me because of my car accident and a small settlement I received. I am right now waiting to hear if I am deemed deservable for their precious benefit. If not,... I will be living on just CPP.

$851.51 a month which we all know is impossible.

So after all this I have decided I just want to end my life through MAiDS. But get this,... I can't because I DON'T HAVE A DOCTOR!!!! And they won't do it without one. AGAIN being penalized for not having a doctor. All of my choices have been taken away as I have no doctor.

Life is too hard without health care at 62 years of age. I am disabled and use a walker but am being threatened by ODSP (and not for the first time) of having it taken away. Not only having it taken away,... but I have to pay THEN BACK. This benefit does nothing but trigger me with their keep it,... take it away,... keep it,... take it away,... it's no way to live having the threat of homelessness hanging over your head because ODSP can't decide if your good enough for them to give you the benefit. 

I am fed up of living below the poverty line. ($1408 a month) I am fed up of living in pain with no family doctor and no health care except 911 which I am being charged for and if I don't pay I get harassed by credit companies. 

This is NOT the Canada I grew up in. I live in poverty and isolation with NO HELP whatsoever from anyone. I have been left alone to rot,.... not able to get groceries,.... not able to do anything for myself anymore,... but expected to deal becasue there isnt' any help out there for me.

So no wonder I am choosing MAiDs

But with no doctor even this choice has been taken away from me. 

So what do you suggest I do? Live suffering? and I mean my life is MISERABLE!!!!!!! or end my  life?

Either way,... it's not what I want but what has been done to me by this community and society, has left me no choice. I am not going to suffer becasue theres no resources for me. NOT NOT NOT

I am fed up and just want to end my life now. 

I don't know why I have bothered to write this as I have asked for help from this office before and all you did was call the police and try and have me thrown into a mental hospital. And BECAUSE OF THAT - I HAVE NOT ASKED FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER SINCE AS I DONT TRUST ANYONE NOW. I said I wanted to end my life (through MAiDs)  yet YOU called the police saying I wanted to end my life throuhg S*****e,.... that was not nice so I hesitate to even reach out. I JUST DON'T TRUST not to get put in there again,....

So what I need is for someone to help me get MAiDS without a doctor. HOW can we do this? I should not have to suffer because I don't have a doctor. I should be allowed the same things as others with doctors get.

Can you  help me end  this miserable life through MAiDS?

Because I refuse to live this poverty any longer. It's MISERABLE

 It happened again. I opened up Facebook to find that dreaded "are you ok" popup. I am getting so fed up of seeing this. People will take the time to do that,... but not one person will ever pick up the phone and call,... or email,.... or text,... they do nothing.

Absolutely fucking nothing

I am a train wreck. I am spiralling into a depression I don't think i can escape. I am losing my benefits,... I am not functioning anymore due to my mental health. Instead I struggle,...

but noone calls,...

noone emails,...

noone texts,...

noone even remembers i exist.

To be a "nobody" and I mean an invisable "nobody" is awful.

Day after day I wake up knowing I will not speak with anyone,... I will not see anyone,... I will be alone,... until the day I die,...

How did i get here?

My heart is broken and I really don't have the energy or motivation to want to live any longer.

If my family wanted me,...

If ODSP would stop threatening me with taking this benefit away,...

If I had any friends,...

I could probobly cope. 

But being alone day after day knowing you are not liked and noone even remembers your alive just eats away at your soul.

I don't know how much more of this i can take

I can't even find a place to bury myself I'm so unwanted,...

There is no place for me on this planet - dead or alive.

That is the saddest fucking thing I have ever heard.

What a fucking loser

They should just throw me out with the trash when I die

I sit here tonight broken hearted. I have contacted the crematorium to make my final resting plans. I did everything I need to do except one thing. Tell them the name of the person they need to contact who will be collecting my remains. I didn't tell them because I have noone. I have done nothing today but think about my final plans. And I have come to the sad conclusion that there won't be anyone to pick up my ashes once cremated. Noone would want them. To know in your heart that there isn't one person on this planet who would want to have your remains. NOT ONE.

So they said I would have to have a replacement plan then. To be interned somewhere. But this too causes me conflict. I have no place to be buried. I tried with my grandfather but I didn't have the correct paperwork. This is the only cemetary i have any connection to at all. But I can't be buried with my grandfather.

So I thought long and hard. Where would I want to be buried? The twins are buried in Brampton but they are in an infant section. Only babies are allowed to be buried in that section. So really this is the only place I have any connection to at all. But I hate Brampton. I don't want to be buried there alone,... I am heart broken to realize that even in death there is no place for me,... I can't decribe to you the deep pain this fills me with. Even in death I was alone and had nowhere to go,.... no funeral,... no gathering,... just a secret burial in a grave that noone will even know is there,.... I can't help but feel a deep sadness that my life has been a complete waste. 

How sad that I am made to make my own arrangements. How sad that I will be buried alone in a cemetary I have no connection with. Noone will ever know I am there. 

They should have a cemetary just for lost souls,... people who had a hard life with no loved ones,... here I would finally belong,...

So I have a few days to think about where I want to be buried,... 

But I don't know,.... I just don't belong anywhere,.... so I have no idea where to bury my body.

Maybe I should just pay a stranger to pick them up and they can just throw them in the garbage,....

a life noone wanted put to rest where she belongs. In the garbage.

The closer "the date" gets,... the better I feel

 Only a few weeks away now,....

But I have yet another problem - even in death noone wants me. I have been calling around to find out how to get cremated once I am gone. But it is looking like I need someone to pick up my ashes or I can't get it done.

Again,... being alone is going to cost me.

I don't want my family to know when I die. They don't deserve to.

So I am making my own plans and paying for them upfront. God forbid my children end up having to "pay" for my burial. We'd never hear the end of it. No,... I dont' plan on involving any of my family. I am not having them judge me in death too. They had their chance to be in my life ~ but they decided I was a monster and couldn't be liked. So they don't get to play the martyre in my death too. I have written a suicide note with my last wishes and one of those wishes is my family do not get ANY SAY in my death. I don't even want them to KNOW that I have died.

I am isolated and alone making me feel like the most unwanted person in the world. They dont' get to make themselves feel better once I'm gone. They hurt me - they get to live with that.

I had no idea how expensive it is to die. So it looks like most of my  money will be spent taking care of my death anyway. So noone will get my money as there wasn't enough after expenses to give anyone anything.

But what will happen to me once I am gone? I emailed my grandfathers cemetary to see if I could be buried there. But there is just too much red tape to go through. I would have to get deeds and other legal stuff and I can't get that. So I can't get buried with the one and only real family I have. My grandfather Victor Holyoak.

So now what happens to me? I can't help feeling like GARBAGE. Noone ever wants to take the garbage out,.... and in my case there isn't anyone to take the garbage out. I have to take my own garbage out and pay for it myself.

So that is todays goal. Get my cremation and burial bought and paid for so noone can turn around and say they got "stuck" paying for my death. Fuck you girls,... I will not allow you to even pretend you care. becasue your actions showed me you dont' and you never did and you never will,.... you actually hated me. And I felt it every text and phone call you wouldn't take. So fuck you girls,... you can live with the fact you broke my fucking heart and I couldn't live with being the hated monster you guys made me. You won't even know I am dead,... you don't deserve to.

So i guess my settlement money will come in handy afterall,...

I can now afford to take the garbage out when i die,...

and we only have a few weeks left on the countdown so i better get these plans made today.

There is no place for me on this planet. EVERYONE knew I was struggling but everyone turned their heads,....

fuck you all,....

Noone is even going to know where I am buried,..

I was born unwanted and lived unwanted and you all let me know just how much you thought I was a monster. You dont get to feel bad once I'm gone.... YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I COULDN'T BEAR IT ANYMORE.

Noone can seem to help find me a place to live,....

noone wants me,...

so I am not spending one more holiday alone.

The date is set,... everything ready to go,...

unless one person picks up that phone and calls me or knocks on my door to show me I am worthwhile,...

then in less than 3 weeks I will be dead.

And nothing will stop me now as the silence has been deafening,...

I am the most unwanted worhtless piece of shit on this planet and my family is the one who has made me feel this way.

So fuck you all,... I DID try,... but I got thrown away once again,...

roll on December **th 2026. My last fucking date on this planet.

And it can't come quick enough,...

P,S. I got my OFFICIAL letter from the governement saying I dont get their fucking benefit. nice,..... just another reason why,....

I won't need your fucking benefit where I'm going anyway,.....

I can't live here one more year,... it's killing me

 I have been hibernating inside my unit now for months. But I do go out a couple of times a day to take my garbage to the garbage room as well as get the mail from the lobby. I also do laps in the halls of the building. Because I don't get out to exercise anymore, I do laps. There are actually several of us women who wallk the halls. Seniors mostly. I start on the top floor and work my way down and then repeat when I am done. I try and do all 4 floors three times morning noon and evening. It's not only exercise, but it also gets me outside of my unit away from the cabin fever I have been dealing with.

But heres the thing. Most of the people in this building are compromised in some way. Not all of them but a lot of them. Myself included. I am on disability for fibromyalgia and mental illness. So I am probobly more patient than most in dealing with folk on the fringes of society. Because I AM ONE OF THEM. I understand the isolation,... the boredom,... the hurt of noone visiting,... I get their lives so I try to be more patient than normal.

But just yesterday I had yet another run-in with another tenant. This one I had never even met before. We have contractors working in our building this week. They are switching out all the key locks and replacing them all with fob locks. (Why? Just a waste of money I think but whatever). I was doing my afternoon laps when I walked onto the second floor from the stairwell. Suddenly this old lady on a scooter came tearing out of her unit. (Think "Waking Ned Devine" Irish comedy movie,... THAT old lady). Anyway she shouts at me,... "Hey, where did you just come from?" She sounded so angry I didn't even realize she was shouting at me. I looked around and when i saw noone else I stopped. "Who are you?" she shouted. Now I could have been an asshole and told her to mind her own business but I didn't,... I think I was actually curious. I explained I lived here. She argued with me that I don't,.... at this point I was just getting annoyed and started to walk away but she ran after  me (or scootered after me). She then proceeded to tell me that she had to be careful as the workmen in the building weren't really workmen. They were a big gang of thieves and they had got this job so they case out all the apartments in this building and then come back and rob us. Oh man,... here we go,... another looney. I tried walking away again but she just kept coming after me. I eventually took the stairs to the third floor where she couldn't follow me. As I was walking away she shouted I don't live here and she is making a complaint to housing. So I shouted back "go ahead, shall i pick up a tenant complaint form for you and bring it to you? I will even fill in my name and apartment number for you,..." that shut her up and she finally left. 

But this is what I mean by living in a place you don't feel safe. I realize that old lady was harmless,... just annoying. Imagine having to prove you live somewhere when it's none of her business!  But others aren't as harmless. It's just the constant being on the alert wherever you go as you just never know whats around the corner. Mark? Darren? Tonya? Someone else having a bad day? When I do laps I walk infront of all the units doors. I can hear and smell things behind each door. I know the people who never clean (you can actually smell their dirty apartments) I know the alcoholics and ragers who are constantly shouting in their units. It's sad that this is normal to me now. But it has left me with severely high anxiety. I am basically a nervous wreck that jumps out of my skin at every noise I hear. It's like being in prison. You can never let your guard down.

I talk about ending my life all the time on here. But so far,... not one family member or friend has picked up the phone to see why or how I am doing. And THAT is the real reason I want to die. Noone is worried about me,... noone thinks about me,... I don't exist in their lives anymore. 

So can you imagine living in poverty,... pain,... and on top of that you have absolutely NOONE to talk to. You have to deal with every problem alone. It's a very heavy burden. 

I think I am already dying though. For the past few months I have been feeling like something is going on with my heart/lungs. My breathing has become more laboured. I am having heart palpatations. I feel weak overall most days now. I can actually FEEL my body breaking down. I don't know what the specific diagnosis is but I do know my body and there is something terribly wrong. It has to do with my heart and my breathing. I should go to the doctor, right? But I have no doctor. But I am so fed up of not having one I have given up on my health care altogether. So I decided a few months back that I was stopping all medication and not going to get help anymore. No more calls to 911 when my blood presure rises over 200. This time i will let it rise. And HOPEFULLY it will just end up killing me. I know worse things could happen instead like a stroke. But I don't care. I'm so tired and so fed up that t I just don't care.

I'm tired of struggling and just want my life to end now. 

There is NOTHING positive in my life except these two kittens. EVERYTHING else is negative. Attacking me,... taking away benefits,... trolls,... gossips,... revengers,... but nothing good. And I just don't see the point in suffering anymore. I spent all last week looking for a doctor to get a physical. But nothing,... I shouldn't have to work this hard for health care.

And at 62 I am tired.

So roll on heart attack,... and if it hasn't happened by that date I will just have to 'hurry it along,..." becasue I refuse to live like this any longer. It's not just a struggle ~ it's actually CRUEL.

Time to die,... no future as I live in a closed up box

I am now so isolated I don't speak with another human being for weeks. I can see now why they use isolation as punishment in prisons. It fucks with your head.

I left social media. I no longer post and rarely open any of my profiles. But it's not by my choice. All i have is the blog, Facebook and Instagram but the last one I rarely use. Now,... I have nothing.

I am already isolated and alone sequestered in this apartment by myself. Now,... my windows have been taken away. I could just about bear the isolation because I at least had the internet. But now, this hidden troll has taken that away from me too.

I don't know who this troll is. All we know is the device they use which is apparently not their everyday device as it has no name conected to it. They think there are multiple people working together on Facebook as they seem to be coming from multiple profiles. You can only 'report' me once a day. Yet I am getting multiple "are you ok?" pop-ups so I am told this can only be done by multiple people. So it is someone and all her little minions,.... 

absolutely nothing I can do about it,....

So i closed up all social media. I no longer have my windows to the outside world anymore. Now,... I sit in a box day after day bored out of my mind doing nothing but watching tv.

I can't fucking stand it anymore

I don't go out,.... I don't talk to anyone,... I am an island. Noone phones me,... noone comes by,... noone knows I even exist anymore,... I have been thrown away and forgotten about as all the loved ones (and I use loved ones loosely) have all dubbed me too difficult to deal with and thrown me away. By the way,... you have to be IN My life for me to ruin it,... but you guys wouldn't even let me in,....

whatever,....

So I made plans. Big plans. final plans. finally get to feel peace plans,...

the only person to care I breath is a troll,.... noone else lifts up that phone to call,... no one knocks on my door just to say hello,... I am alone. Every fucking minute of every fucking day I am alone.

Roll on November so i can die,....

It's all planned and unless someone shows me they care,... 

I will be gone by Christmas,...

Between family who thinks I'm a monster and a troll who thinks it's fun to harass,... I just can't take it anymore,...

and why the fuck should I?????

Roll on November **** 2025,.....

My fucking last day on this cruel planet.

Hey troll,... are you satisfied??? You drove me to suicide,.... is that what you wanted? Now who are you going to harass?

I won't care as I will be dust thrown into the wind by then,...

But know this troll. What you are doing is not right and cruel and HAS caused me to commit suicide. Sleep well tonight troll,.... your a murderer,.....

I close this blog back up to subscribers only 

Only they will know the day I finally die

fuck you troll - now you have NO ACCESS to me.

 I got 14 "are you ok" pop ups today. What the fuck do you want troll???? Just curious now as to why? You have prevented me from using all my social media and what did YOU accomplish by that? Do you feel big and important behind your anonymity??? Is your life so bad that this is your entertainment??? I thought my life was bad,... but I sit and watch tv all day long,... boring yet YOU are so intrigued you have to troll all my social media and ruin it for me. But thats ok,... as I have now given up social media. NOW how will you troll me??? Kinda back-fired didn't it?? Now you have no access to me,... bye bye and have a nice life troll.

BTW,... are you going to follow me into my grave too,...???? Better get ready