4:07 am and I am still awake. *sigh*
Things seem to have taken a turn for me over the past week or so. For the longest time my OCD was really controlling me. The scrubbing,… the counting,… etc,… It wasn’t fun but at least my apartment was clean. (yes, you have to look at the bright side) But now I have done a complete flip and the dreaded Black Fog has descended. I have been feeling it coming on for a while now and was doing everything I could to keep it at bay. I made sure I was taking my medication everyday. I was struggling to stay optimistic and keep on functioning with my life. But yesterday,… I crashed. And depression has descended like a dark and heavy blanket. Depression is so much worse than the OCD/anxiety because you can still some-what function with those. (I may not be the most normal person around but at least I am getting things done and seeing my family). Depression on the other hand debilitates you.
Right now I am having such a difficult time just getting out of bed. And when I do manage to emerge from my cave I don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything but collapse in front of the TV. Just having a shower seems a monumental task. The dishes get left in the sink. The laundry piles up and my apartment is a mess. I hate it. But I just don’t have it in me right now to change.
These different stages I go through are not bipolar. I think this is why for so many years I was misdiagnosed with bipolar because of the two very different phases I seem to go in and out of. But with me, I go from OCD/anxiety to full on depression. (rarely both of these at the same time) I never go into a full-on high that you would see in Bipolar. And throughout both stages I always have the social phobia and agoraphobia. It’s very complex and really difficult to live with.
So what do I do now? I wait it out. I stay on my medication. And I wait. I’ve been here many times before and I know it will lift in time. There really isn’t anything else you can do.
And so continues my diary of my struggle with mental illness,….