Monday, July 8, 2013

Peeking through the letter box



That was an awesome run. I felt good and was pretty productive for the past few months. I was sleeping okay for the most part,… being somewhat social (Is shopping alone being social?) Seeing family more than usual,… I was (dare I utter the phrase “almost normal”) My apartment is pretty much done and looks awesome now if I do say so myself. 

But, (as there always seems to be a “but”) the run seems to have ended.

I have to say firstly that even though the past few months have been good. I did get carried away with all the painting and decorating. In typical OCD fashion I became obsessed with getting it perfect. And in getting it perfect I spent a lot of money. I mean A LOT of money,… way too much money,….  And my mind was constantly on things I would do. If I had an idea for  the decorating at 2 in the morning while lying in bed, I would actually get up and look it up on the internet. If I decided I wanted something (because it would be “perfect” for what I wanted it for) then I would just go out and buy it. But being OCD I had to buy it now,… I “needed it” NOW. Sometimes I would leave for Walmart at 7 in the morning when it opened because I just couldn’t wait. I know this behavior is illogical but in the world of OCD logic doesn’t come into it. You get fixated on something and then its tunnel vision on that fixation until it is done. I don’t even think of the consequences. I just do it and worry about it later.

Well, It’s later,…  And now I am forced to think of it. I now realize I spent way too much money. I now realize I went way overboard on the decorating. I now realize my behavior wasn’t normal. But,… whats done is done.

And so on Friday when I did my banking I saw just how much I spent and it all hit me like a sack of wet potatoes. Again, like many, many other times in my life, I had made yet again some bad choices. I see it NOW,… but during the past few months I just thought I was being normal. That’s the evil of mental illness. You can’t see it when you’re in it,… It’s only later you shake your head and wonder what the hell was I thinking. I mean in what part of my brain did I think I was some kind of self-made millionaire with a bottomless bank account?? What allowed me to think that painting at 3 in the morning is normal?? How could I have possibly thought that any of my behaviors over the past few months even resembled normal?

I came crashing down with a thud. First,… I had a good cry because we know that has an important purpose (insert sarcasm there). And then I could almost feel the black fog lowering down on me. The negative thoughts,… the depression,… the total disgust at myself. The guilt,… and just feeling like a total failure. I went to bed in the hopes that it was just a passing mood and I would wake up feeling much better. I didn’t. My brain was foggy. The apathy was beginning. I knew this wasn’t going to bode well for today’s mood either. That whole day I felt a little out of frequency. Things were unclear,… I was getting lost inside my head which is never a good thing for me. I knew this was going to be a bumpy ride.

So now here I am, 3 days later and I still feel like I’m walking in molasses. My mind a haze. I feel numb. I still have some things to do like cleaning up all the paint, etc,… and putting it all away. But I don’t have a place to put it and that conundrum is just too much for my brain to handle right now so I just leave it. In fact, my mind can’t seem to make any decisions right now. I can’t go outside. Not even to take the garbage out or get my mail. I  am supposed to go to the hospital for a chest xray and the lab but I can’t. I need to make a few phone calls but I can’t talk to anyone. The past 2 days I have not even cleaned or tidied. I just sit and watch TV mindlessly. It’s really horrible to feel like this. It is what I call the dreaded “Black Fog”

So I guess it’s back to “Just do 3 things today no matter how small”  I don’t know how long I will be hibernating away this time. But I do know it will get better at some point. It always does. And THAT is what I have to keep telling myself. This won’t last forever and you will feel better again. I just have to grin and bear it until it does.

1 comment:

Sheri Kauffman said...

Spending too much money because I had to have everything "perfect," was a sign of bipolar mania for me. My condo had to look just right, have the latest appliances, art on the wall, etc. I had to have every item in a collection, every book in a series, watches, purses, collector bears. I now have less than 10% of the money that I inherited from my father only 3 years ago. That makes me cry. If I think about it too much, the depression is overwhelming.

I understand what you're going through. My to-do list is too long, my OCD need for perfection, makes me feel like I need to do everything in one day or I'm a failure. I think I'll highlight just three things to get done each day.