Back to the psychiatrist I went yesterday. After my crash I thought I would at least try to be pro-active. Let the Doctor know what happened. And talk about it. And talk we did. I brought my support person (a family member) as I always do because that way the Doctor gets to know two sides to my behaviour. My version (from the oblivious little bubble I live in) and the real version. The two are rarely the same. It would seem that I “am an enigma” (her words ~ not mine) and that my illness is complicated because I have overlapping diagnoses. It’s hard to find a medication regime as one may be good for the OCD but may not be conducive to my depression or agoraphobia, etc,… I am a melting pot of illnesses. Apparently I am a “challenge” to treat for my psychiatrist. But we are all working hard to try. My Doctor, my family and myself. I know I will never be “normal” (what is normal anyway,…?) but I think if I work at it, I can still do well.
Things are better. I do see positive changes. Ten years ago I was, well,… let’s be honest,… a big hot mess. I had this illness but I didn’t have a clue how to cope with it. Nobody did back then so everyone was just floundering around not knowing what to do. I didn’t see my bad choices and behaviours. My family certainly did but they didn’t know how to deal with me. It wasn’t until I was able to get some professional help in the last few years that things got better. Before,… when I crashed,.. bad things happened (which we won’t get into except to say they were extreme and I always ended up in the hospital) Now, when I crash, I can see it. I can do things to help myself. medication is one aspect but it’s not the whole answer. I am now learning how to deal with it by doing certain things to help myself. Spending time in “Homewood” (a psychiatric hospital) two years ago was probably one of the best things to have happened to me. I learned so much about myself and how to care for my illness.
So even though I am still feeling depressed and guilty and a failure right now. I’m not going to let that take over. I will continue to do my “Just do 3 things today” so I am at least doing something and I will just wait this ride out.