Saturday, March 2, 2013

Well here it is 10:45pm and I have finally managed to have a shower. I think it’s safe to say that today has been a totally wasted day. In fact the past few weeks have been totally wasted due to this crippling depression. Most days I manage to do dishes and have a shower. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything else. I feel so drained,… empty,… sad,… exhausted,…  All I can do is sleep or watch TV. And I feel so guilty and embarrassed because of it.

I also have something on my mind that has been some-what troubling. My birth mother has been very ill these past 3 weeks. She is in a hospital in BC with severe pneumonia. She was in a coma for a while but thankfully has now come out of that although still remains quite ill

I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel about all this. She is not my “Mom” after all. J*** M***** was my Mom and always will be and she’s the one who raised me (which hey, lets admit,… wasn’t easy at the best of times). But Kelly (that’s my birth mother) is still a nice person. It’s not like I dis-like her at all. She’s just not my Mom. I have grown to care very much for the H*****k family over the past 15 years or so that I have been re-acquainted with them all. Kelly and I have written letters over the years and (rarely) spoken on the phone. So I do know her and care for her. But more in a “friend” capacity rather than family. In fact, my Aunt D (Kelly’s sister) and I have become very close over the years and I definitely consider her family. Kelly lives in BC so I never see her. D on the other hand lives here in Ontario and I see her quite frequently. During my rough time where I lost custody of the girls and became estranged from my adoptive family, D was the one who picked up all the pieces. So she’s definitely an important person in my life. But Kelly? Shes more of a pen pal.

And then of course there’s the guilt of even wanting to care about her because I fear I will hurt the M*****s (who are now back in my life in a big way ~ love them to death) So what do I do?

For now, I have decided to just pray for her recovery and hope she comes out of this well. Thinking beyond that is just too over-whelming for me at the moment. I’m obviously not well myself at this point and I don’t want to rock the boat and have any kind of relapse ending up back in hospital. But I can’t deny, This whole situation has been playing on my mind since it all started. And I’m sure it isn’t helping in my depression either. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on my life,… Life went and moved the goalposts,….

1 comment:

Sheri Weinberg said...

I'm sorry you're struggling so much again. The goal posts may be moved, but you can still make it, I have faith in you.