Friday, July 27, 2012

I hate just barely existing

I feel so numb... empty... dark...

Is it my medication that makes me feel this way? Or is it the illness?

I want to go off of all my meds. The Seroquel has turned me into a zombie. But without it, I always end up in hospital. I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired. Tired of feeling nothing. Except sadness and darkness and loneliness. I don't have a life.

I just don't want to "be" anymore. I hate this limbo of just barely existing. It's just all so fucking sad

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I'm a mess

Has anyone else had episodes of hearing things that they know aren't there? I mean, it's weird... I don't 'actually' hear a voice... It's like a thought is put in my head by someone. It's 5:52 in the morning and I haven't slept because I had this 'voice' tell me that a man is just outside my apartment door and he's waiting for me to come out. So all night I kept looking out the peephole and worrying myself into an anxiety ridden mess. Now, I'm sane enough to know that the 'voice/thought' isnt' real ~ but I'm sick enough to have experienced it. It's rather frightening.

I've also been having episodes where my vision gets all distorted. Like just before a person faints things start to swim in front of them. It's kind of like that. I feel detached and weird and my world gets all funny in front of me. Again, i am sane enough to know this isn't real and its just a temporary vision of some such thing but I'm sick enough to have it happen to me. As I'm sure 'normal' people don't experience these things.

Obviously I am not doing well right now. I never leave my apartment anymore because I'm afraid these 'episodes' will happen in public and I will not cope and freak out. I even cancelled a night in with a friend this week because I'm just not coping well and couldn't deal with being with anyone. I just want to be on my own, in my apartment.

I have an appointment with my therapist next week so i know I will have to tell her all of this. But it scares me as I really don't want to go back into the hospital.

So, I just hibernate away in my flat. Sleeping all day and awake all night.... My life is a mess.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Trapped In Madness

Trapped in Madness

My mind lives in a realm with no edge
Overflowing pastel shades of fog swirl in my head
My thoughts flow
No validity
No strength
Disintegrating into my mad and secret world

I exist in this delusion
Between other worlds
Floating aimlessly through the layers of my madness
Neither here nor there
In a twilight only I can see
It’s hauntingly beautiful inside my mind

I cannot leave my asylum
The portal is strong and covered in vines
The rusty handle locked in crusty rust
It’s impenetrable
I cannot pass through
I am forever a prisoner in my own perception

I am told I have to leave this haven
But I cannot find my way
I take a step
But the ground falls away
I fall and fall,…
Back into my world

Friday, July 6, 2012

The evils of Seroquel

Lets see if I can write this blog entry before I melt from this evil heat,… (computer says its 33* ~ 38 with the humidity ~ ick)

Well I drove my youngest daughter home yesterday after our 4 day visit. It’s amazing what spending time with my children can do for my mood and spirit. The weeks after my therapy ended I had been getting worse. Feeling very down and just couldn’t function like I should be. But then Hayley called to ask if she could come here for a few days. I have to admit that I was not really up to it mentally. But knowing how good for me it would be I knew I should just push through and go and get her. Of course I’m glad I did.

Usually once the girls are here I can pull myself together long enough to make it work and have a great time. This time I found it much harder. I was having some serious insomnia and for two nights that Hayley was here I didn’t sleep at all leaving me exhausted and unmotivated. But I forced myself to get on with things anyway. There was definitely something different with this visit. Even though I tried my best ~ more than my best,… I really struggled hard to force myself,…. I just wasn’t able to be where I would like to be mentally. But whether Hayley noticed or not, we still managed to have a wonderful visit anyway. Hayley is an exuberant and humorous girl and is able to keep me laughing. I love having her around. She is definitely good for me. I’m going to miss her know that she is back home.

Now I am back to my crazy insomniatic, mental self once again. I didn’t take any of my prescribed Seroquel for the whole four days that Hayley was here because Seroquel is a horribly sedating drug. It makes me sleep for way too long (sometimes up to 24 hours in one stretch) and when I do wake up, I walk around in the dreaded Seroquel hangover daze. It robs me of a lot of my life. So when I have something important to go to or have the girls visiting or something, I just don’t take it or else I would sleep the whole time they are here. Unfortunately this backfires because it throws me into insomnia where I don’t sleep at all. It’s the damned if I do and damned if I don’t syndrome. But, I chose the ’no-seroquel’ option while Hayley was here and therefore had 2 nights of no sleep leaving me totally exhausted.

So last night once I got home from dropping her off back in Tottenham, I dutifully took my prescribed dose of Seroquel. This was at 8:00pm. I went to bed around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 6:00pm!!  17 hours!! I completely lost a day. This is actually quite typical of life on Seroquel. But I hate it. How can you manage to live a life when your sleeping all the time? Or walking around hung over from the effects? But off of this drug I plummet into a deep depression with serious symptoms (self-harm and feeling suicidal) and usually end up in the hospital.

Over the years Doctors have tried experimenting with many other medications but Seroquel seems to be the only one that keeps me well enough to stay out of the hospital. But at what cost to me? I had plans to go to baseball with my brother tonight. I had to cancel because I was sleeping. How embarrassing is it to phone someone and cancel plans because you just woke up. At 6:00pm!

So,… on goes my roller-coaster life. Is it any wonder I always feel that my life just isn't worth bothering with?