Sunday, January 22, 2012

The mental illness roller coaster ride

Well, the past few weeks have been up and down. But that's not bad because it would seem that I'm having more "up" days than I have before. This must be a sign that the new medication is starting to work. Or at least that's my hope.

Overall, I have been more motivated to do things. Not big things ~ I'm still not up to "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. But ever since the depression has decreased, I have found that a bit of OCD has replaced it. I only have OCD when I am not depressed. If I'm too depressed I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. But for the past month, Little OCD traits have been poking their way into my life. For one thing, I seem to be on a cleaning binge. And I don't mean normal cleaning,.. I mean over-the-top cleaning. I just can't 'mop' the floors,... I have to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the floors,... I can't just tidy the kitchen,... I have to scrub down every appliance, counter top and shelf until it's spotless,... Everything has to have a place and be in place or I can't relax. Now, this is half good,... and half not good,.... It's good because I've been depressed for so long that things have really slipped and things needed a real good scrub clean. But on the other hand, I've taken the cleaning to such an extreme that I go absolutely crazy cleaning and totally exhaust myself. I do realize the cleaning isn't normal ~ I just can't stop myself from doing it. But overall,... I'd rather be this way than slumped up in my recliner watching mindless television and not able to move for days and days at a time. Anything is better than that. I'm hoping that once I get used to my new medications the OCD tendencies will subside. (and its not all bad ~ It also means I have a spotless apartment!)

What I don't understand about things is why some days I wake up feeling really good ~ and other days I wake up feeling like the most worthless thing in the world. And my days bounce back between the two. I just don't understand how it happens so quickly. It's a real roller coaster ~ up,... down,... up,... down,.... and it happens in hours,... not just days,.... My mental illness really is a ride I just have to hold on to and hope I make it to the end without any dire consequences. And in my case, that means OD's,... and long hospital stays,... It really does make me wish for the umpteenth time that I could just be "normal' like everyone else. My chronic depression is absolutely exhausting to deal with.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

a blip in mood

I had such a great few days.  Saturday I went to the St. Jacobs Market with my brother and sister-in-law. Sunday I didn't feel well at all so stayed home. Monday I drove up to Barrie to have a visit with my two daughters. And despite the 4 hr round trip, I had such a lovely day.

But Tuesday I woke up feeling really out of sorts. Can't describe in words. Just sort of sad and melancholy. Tired and worthless. I just don't understand it. How can you feel so good for a few days and then wake up feeling completely the opposite?

Tuesday night I just felt so horrible that I took double my Seroquel dosage as I know it wouldn't hurt me, but it would let me sleep. (I have terrible insomnia). And it did. It gave me a great nights sleep. But unfortunately I slept until 8:00pm this evening. But, I woke up feeling some-what better.

I'm going to chalk the 'feeling bad' down to missing my family. And I am going to draw a line under it and start again. Tomorrow I am going to wake up feeling good!!!!!

If there's anything I have learned over the years, It's that my mental illness will never go away. I know that when I do feel good I know the feeling won't last. Ditto for feeling bad. When I feel so depressed and horrible I just want to die, I know this too, won't last. The only thing consistent about mental illness, is that it's never consistent! So I am going to forget the low feeling I'm having and tell myself that tomorrow will be another day ~ and it will be a better one.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Great Weekend

I know I just wrote on here a couple of days ago, but I had such a good day yesterday I thought I’d share good times instead of doom and gloom.  Saturday my brother called and asked me to go to St. Jacobs market with him and the wife. I wasn’t doing anything so went along. And even though it was really crowded I did quite well. I was still not comfortable but I didn’t feel any real panic or need to get out of there. So that can only mean one thing and that is I must slowly be getting better. I’m going to try to go again on Thursday ~ but on my own ~ which will be a real test. But I really do think I’m ready. Enough of isolating in this apartment. It’s time to push through the panic and anxiety and just get back into life. I need to get a job,…. I need to start making friends here,… I need to start LIVING once again. It’s been a very difficult 3 yrs but I made it through. That has to count for something.
Tomorrow I am driving up to Barrie with Hayley to visit with Michelle. I’m quite looking forward to that as I haven’t seen them since Christmas Eve. Michelle doesn’t have a car so I like to get out there when I can to help her out by driving her around where ever she needs to go. (grocery shopping, bank,…) Then we’ll probably grab dinner and then Hayley and I will head back home.
So, I have decided, 2012 is going to be a better year for me. I just need to continue working hard and I’m sure everything will just fall into place,

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I made it through another holiday season

Well here we are ~ January 7th 2012 ~ and I have made it through the holiday season in one piece.

In the end, M******* and H***** (my two daughters) and I went over to my brothers on Christmas Eve and it was really nice.  I’m always happy when the cousins get together. There were the usual snacks and a little gift exchange. And even though there were some folks there who I didn’t really know,… I was able to stay and enjoy myself. I felt a bit of  anxiety and was uncomfortable, but I pushed myself to do it. So I would suppose that means that I am making some progress in the “social anxiety” thing.  Or maybe it was the 3 rum & Cokes I had that made me feel comfortable being in a social setting  (LOL) Either way, I feel I made progress and that’s the main goal right now. The biggest hurdle I knew would be getting through the first Christmas without my Mom. You can’t help but feel sad when your parents have passed on and they’re no longer at family get-togethers. When I got home that evening, I did light two candles. One for Dad, and one for Mom. I just wanted to feel them around me on this holiday.

Christmas day I was alone as I knew I would be. So I did the thing I always do when I'm stressed out, anxious and just can't deal or cope,.. I took a "Seroquel vacation" which entails taking 6 times my dosage of seroquel so that I was so drugged/sleepy that I slept most of the day away. I know this isn't one of the more clever ideas I've had but in the end it worked and … I made it through. :-}.  Besides, I was on 800 mg of Seroquel a day for two whole years of my life before they down-graded me to 150mg a day so I knew it wouldn't hurt me ~ It just allowed me to sleep the whole day away.

New Years Eve I was alone but that didn’t bother me at all. I have always said that this is one over-rated holiday. So I watched a movie, and then when the countdown was done I saluted 2011 goodbye and cautiously, optimistically welcomed 2012.
As for my health,… I’m having some issues with my new medication. It leaves me feeling nauseous all day. Not to mention very tired. Won’t go into all the details but suffice to say I don’t think I will be able to continue on with it. So next Doctors appointment I’m sure they will be changing it. I have always known that getting the right ‘cock-tail” of medication is not an easy thing to do and it does end up becoming an undertaking of trial and error. Nothing happens over-night and I know from experience that I have to just be patient until they can come up with a concoction that will work for me. After all, in the overall scheme of things,… I do feel a tiny bit better than I did a few weeks ago. I’m not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination but at least now I can see the clearing. I’ll take every little step forward I can.