Lets see if I can write this blog entry before I melt from this evil heat,… (computer says its 33* ~ 38 with the humidity ~ ick)
Well I drove my youngest daughter home yesterday after our 4 day visit. It’s amazing what spending time with my children can do for my mood and spirit. The weeks after my therapy ended I had been getting worse. Feeling very down and just couldn’t function like I should be. But then Hayley called to ask if she could come here for a few days. I have to admit that I was not really up to it mentally. But knowing how good for me it would be I knew I should just push through and go and get her. Of course I’m glad I did.
Usually once the girls are here I can pull myself together long enough to make it work and have a great time. This time I found it much harder. I was having some serious insomnia and for two nights that Hayley was here I didn’t sleep at all leaving me exhausted and unmotivated. But I forced myself to get on with things anyway. There was definitely something different with this visit. Even though I tried my best ~ more than my best,… I really struggled hard to force myself,…. I just wasn’t able to be where I would like to be mentally. But whether Hayley noticed or not, we still managed to have a wonderful visit anyway. Hayley is an exuberant and humorous girl and is able to keep me laughing. I love having her around. She is definitely good for me. I’m going to miss her know that she is back home.
Now I am back to my crazy insomniatic, mental self once again. I didn’t take any of my prescribed Seroquel for the whole four days that Hayley was here because Seroquel is a horribly sedating drug. It makes me sleep for way too long (sometimes up to 24 hours in one stretch) and when I do wake up, I walk around in the dreaded Seroquel hangover daze. It robs me of a lot of my life. So when I have something important to go to or have the girls visiting or something, I just don’t take it or else I would sleep the whole time they are here. Unfortunately this backfires because it throws me into insomnia where I don’t sleep at all. It’s the damned if I do and damned if I don’t syndrome. But, I chose the ’no-seroquel’ option while Hayley was here and therefore had 2 nights of no sleep leaving me totally exhausted.
So last night once I got home from dropping her off back in Tottenham, I dutifully took my prescribed dose of Seroquel. This was at 8:00pm. I went to bed around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 6:00pm!! 17 hours!! I completely lost a day. This is actually quite typical of life on Seroquel. But I hate it. How can you manage to live a life when your sleeping all the time? Or walking around hung over from the effects? But off of this drug I plummet into a deep depression with serious symptoms (self-harm and feeling suicidal) and usually end up in the hospital.
Over the years Doctors have tried experimenting with many other medications but Seroquel seems to be the only one that keeps me well enough to stay out of the hospital. But at what cost to me? I had plans to go to baseball with my brother tonight. I had to cancel because I was sleeping. How embarrassing is it to phone someone and cancel plans because you just woke up. At 6:00pm!
So,… on goes my roller-coaster life. Is it any wonder I always feel that my life just isn't worth bothering with?