Sunday, June 17, 2012

fighting hard to stay "up"

It’s been a bit of a week with me.

Monday I went to pick up my new kitty  “Maurice BaBa O’Riley”  He’s a 1 yr old male ~ all black ~ and cute as a button. But like all kitties, he’s curious and friendly and BUSY! I love him,… Maggie? Well the jury is still out on that one. As the Queen would say,…. “I’m not amused”  What possessed me to get another cat? Insomnia. Yup,… sleepless nights on the Internet trolling Kijiji and falling in love with free kitties. Guess I figured if I’m going to be awake all damn night I may as well have a playmate.

I don’t know what is causing this insomnia. I have suffered with it more or less my whole adult life. But over the past year it has definitely gotten worse. One reason may be the very obvious. I’m no longer on all those sedating drugs. Now that I’m more or less “clean & sober.” (I say more or less as I’m still on my very limited prescribed medications). Another reason may be all the changes I’ve been going through this past year. All the therapy,… it does tend to play havoc with your mind. And with me,… It seems to have the frustrating side-effect of not being able to sleep because I lay in bed and my mind just won’t turn off. I’m told it’s a lot to do with my GAD (General anxiety disorder) and a bit to do with the emotions, and feelings the therapy is drudging up. Whatever the reason,… It’s driving me mad and definitely playing havoc with my sleep schedule. In short I don’t have a schedule. I sleep when my mind allows it.

Therapy,… My last therapy session is this Tuesday. I am not comfortable with this at all. The group sessions especially. I have made many bonds with the other woman and I know I am going to feel a huge hole once the group stops this week. I am very worried that I will slip backwards. I am already feeling anxious and sad that it has come to an end and I’m afraid that those feelings will get worse. It’s something I am aware of though so hopefully I can be mindful and work at not letting myself go back to where I was before. My therapy has become a very safe and comforting place for me and I’m really worried about not having it there anymore after next week. I feel like I say this all the time but,.. Baby steps forward,… one day at a time,…

And of course Saturday was the 9 year anniversary of my Dads passing. (and today being Fathers Day) You would think it would get easier with each passing year but somehow I still get sad and quiet on the day. I don’t think you ever get comfortable with your parents just not being around anymore. It’s a huge loss and you always feel it on all the ‘occasions’.

Anyway, I know this blog entry is kind of all over the place but that’s sort of where my head is right now. (Lack of sleep definitely has it’s consequences). I wanted to write,… I just seem to be finding it a bit of a struggle trying to sort my thoughts out lately. This I’m afraid is the best I can do.


middle child said...

It is ok that your thoughts are wherever they are. For people like me, you make all the sense in the world. I too thought of my dad today in church. He died in 2004. I prayed for who he was and all he did. He had basically been my mother too as she died in 1971.
Why is your therapy group being disbanded? Is there anyone there who wants to continue on? Perhaps you could reach an agreement to meet together somewhere else?
I care.

Kristy said...

My dad has been gone for a year and I just ignored fathers day and tried not to think about it. Seen your cat on facebook. Lovely, cat.

Rob-bear said...

I can certainly identify with "thoughts all over the place."

My sleep problem goes the other way — I can usually sleep almost all the time.

Both of my parents have been gone for almost 10 years. I think of my dad from time to time, and I'm sure he is OK.

Hope you are able to get some good support. "Middle Child" makes some useful suggestions.

My Black Fog said...

Middle child: It was only a 16 week group. Post traumatic Stress Disorder & managing emotional triggers group. I can't find an ongoing group in my area. :( Wished there was one