Saturday, March 10, 2012

falling off the wagon

I had a 'Girls Night In' with my friend last night and it was fun. I definitely enjoyed myself. But we were both tired and decided to call it a night early. I was so tired I thought I would just fall into bed and fall asleep. Didn't happen. Instead I had a horrible night. I just could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. Insomnia really is the most frustrating thing. I didn't end up falling asleep until about 7 or 8 this morning and then slept till noon.

This afternoon I am understandably tired. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a very long time. It's quite difficult to fight an addiction to drugs when you are so tired all you want to do is use. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I miss my drug use. At least when I couldn't sleep I could take Seroquel or anti-anxieties. Last night I didn't take anything but I REALLY wanted to. I came 'this close' to getting up and taking something or smoking some weed. But I didn't. And today I feel awful. I'm not only tired,... I'm feeling really down.

It's hard to WANT to get & stay off drugs when you can't sleep without them. I WANT my drugs back. I WANT to use,... I'm tired of being sober but so tired and depressed I don't care about life. I hate feeling so worthless and useless and a waste of space. I WANT to take drugs to zone out from that. So this mind-set doesn't really set you up for success at staying sober.

I'm too tired today to care. I think I am going to go and smoke some weed and chill. If that makes me a failure then today,... I have failed. But right now, I don't know any other way of coping.

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