I have been abusing prescription meds for nearly 20 years. And over the past 20 years I have managed to find a way to make it sound legit. The Doctor prescribed them to me so therefore its perfectly alright to take them. Right? Today, I am admitting for the first time that that is definitely wrong and I definitely abuse the drugs I have been prescribed.
It is still true that my doctors have over-prescribed meds to me for a very long time. I suppose I can be quite manipulative when I need to be and conned a lot of drugs out of my doctors. Then I would take the bare minimum and stock pile the rest until “needed”.
For two full years I was prescribed 800mg of Seroquel. The average dose is about 50mg. I would abuse these to the point of taking up to 3200mg at a time which would do exactly what I intended it to do and that would be knock me out for a good 24 hours or more at a time. 24 hours that I didn’t have to feel depressed or a failure or stupid or worthless. It gave me a 24 hour reprieve from my life. I called this "My Seroquel Vacation"
When I went into hospital this last time (July 2011) I finally admitted to my therapist that I was on a lot of prescription drugs ~ but they were prescribed ~ therefore I was suppose to take that much. What I didn’t tell them, because I had not even admit it to myself yet, was that I grossly abused these drugs taking 2 and 3 ~ even 4 or 5 times the recommended dose.
Tuesday, in my therapy group, I finally admit to everyone that I am definitely an addict and I definitely abuse prescription drugs. I admit that now that I am not being prescribed a lot of meds from my new doctor (who is extremely careful about prescribing only the minimum amount) I have turned to marijuana and alcohol and even over-the-counter drugs. In fact, my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life ~ even for a short time.
The craving is unbelievably strong. And sadly, I don’t want to stop taking drugs. My life is grim. I hate being forced to live it. I need to escape it. I tried going drug free for abut 3 or 4 months after I got out of the hospital. I took only my prescribed meds and they did nothing. But ultimately, I gave in and went back to abusing ~ anything.
I feel like such a complete failure.