Thursday, March 22, 2012

Denial, denial, denial,....

I have been abusing prescription meds for nearly 20 years. And over the past 20 years I have managed to find a way to make it sound legit.  The Doctor prescribed them to me so therefore its perfectly alright to take them. Right? Today, I am admitting for the first time that that is definitely wrong and I definitely abuse the drugs I have been prescribed.
It is still true that my doctors have over-prescribed meds to me for a very long time. I suppose I can be quite manipulative when I need to be and conned a lot of drugs out of my doctors. Then I would take the bare minimum and stock pile the rest until “needed”.
For two full years I was prescribed 800mg of Seroquel. The average dose is about 50mg. I would abuse these to the point of taking up to 3200mg at a time which would do exactly what I intended it to do and that would be knock me out for a good 24 hours or more at a time. 24 hours that I didn’t have to feel depressed or a failure or stupid or worthless. It gave me a 24 hour reprieve from my life. I called this "My Seroquel Vacation"
When I went into hospital this last time (July 2011) I finally admitted to my therapist that I was on a lot of prescription drugs ~ but they were prescribed ~ therefore I was suppose to take that much. What I didn’t tell them, because I had not even admit it to myself yet, was that I grossly abused these drugs taking 2 and 3 ~ even 4 or 5 times the recommended dose.
Tuesday, in my therapy group, I finally admit to everyone that I am definitely an addict and I definitely abuse prescription drugs. I admit that now that I am not being prescribed a lot of meds from my new doctor (who is extremely careful about prescribing only the minimum amount) I have turned to marijuana and alcohol and even over-the-counter drugs. In fact, my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life ~ even for a short time.
The craving is unbelievably strong. And sadly, I don’t want to stop taking drugs. My life is grim. I hate being forced to live it. I need to escape it. I tried going drug free for abut 3 or 4 months after I got out of the hospital. I took only my prescribed meds and they did nothing. But ultimately, I gave in and went back to abusing ~ anything.
I feel like such a complete failure.


ashmc2 said...

I'm not going BS. Admitting is a huge step, but only if you have a purpose behind professing it. Therapy is great, but it is easy to get caught-up in the room's mood and say things, only to leave and lose those powerful feelings. The only ways you are going to stop miss-using is to stop hating yourself and find other ways to escape. Not saying it is easy for us bipolars to stay clean or upbeat, but we need goals to do it. I probably shouldn't add this, but it is much safer to abuse the drugs you know than to mix alcohol, your prescribed pills, and assorted OTC meds you know nothing about. Mixing all that together can easily produce a deadly medicinal cocktail. Wanting to sleep is one thing, but not waking up is final. I will continue to wish you the best.

Rob-bear said...

I don't see the failure. I see a strong woman speaking up. A woman reclaiming her life. A woman admitting to herself (and others) that she had allowed drugs to take far too important a place in her life.

This strong woman will now start taking creative steps to rebuild her life. Without drugs. And without depression.

I know this strong woman does not see what I see. I just need her to continue what she has started. And to believe that, having found the strength to start, that she will find the strength to continue. And that she will, "get by with a little help from [her] friends."

Sid said...

Now that you've come clean, I think it's time to address the reasons why you need to zone out & escape your life. Coming clean is difficult, but it's also the easiest part of reaching out and accepting help. The hard work has yet to begin because you haven't given up the self abuse, you've only transferred it to other chemicals, which I agree with ashmc2 are more risky than abusing the prescription meds.

While I'm not using chemical means to escape, I'm still in a similar situation and I too need to learn how to let go of the self abuse and begin accepting that I need to change if I'm ever going to find and feel happiness again. It's a scary and overwhelming thought, but maybe we can both begin to chip away the negative to find the positive.