Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Won't be pulling THAT stunt ever again!

Well what a weird experience I have had over the past week. I don’t know what the hell happened but I woke up Tuesday morning doing the “what the fuck just happened,… “
It started with my insomnia. (doesn’t it always start with insomnia in my life?) so my daughter (adult daughter,… shes not some elementary school drug dealer or anything) brought me some weed. Now you have to understand that after I was in the hospital for 6 weeks they took me off ALL of my anxiety meds. Since then I have averaged about 3 hrs sleep a night and I am quite literally going insane with feeling so tired all the time.
So,… my daughter gave me some weed which I smoked. And just for verification I use a pipe and I only have one (or two at the most) tokes. I hadn’t smoked weed in a long time. I was a little apprehensive. But it worked. Really well I might add. I smoke a bowl right before bed and I actually FALL ASLEEP! I’ve been using it every  night now for over a week.
But somehow, and I still can’t figure out how, I found a bottle of 30 klonopin pills. A prescription given to me that I filled ages ago and then hid ~ just in case ~ But I totally forgot all about it.
Roll on Tuesday morning. I felt like my body was made of lead and I seriously could NOT move out of bed. I was well and truly drugged up to the nines. But I couldn’t figure out how because my weed was still in the bedroom ~ not touched. So that wasn’t it. But I knew something had gone on because one day its Sunday morning and then next thing I know its Tuesday night. ??? In my drugged up stupor I barely remember finding the klonopin. I thought I took two. But, now I realize I took the whole bottle. This is the first time I have ever ‘blacked out’ and not known what happened. I have been tearing this apartment apart looking for these klonopin but I just couldn’t find them anywhere. By this time, because of how horrible I felt, I realized I had taken all 30.  THIRTY! I know I have OD’d (on purpose) in the past at least 6 times but this time was NOT intentional at all. I was just so high I don’t remember doing it. (I had not smoked weed at all during these few 'lost' days)
It wasn’t until I went to change the garbage tonight that I pulled the bag out of the garbage container and there on the bottom of the bag was ~ you guessed it ~ an empty bottle of clonopin. (am I spelling it right? ) There was also a bottle of rum and an over the counter med for colds. Which leads me to the million dollar question,… What in Gods name was I doing??? I am starting to feel better now physically but mentally it scared me that you could do something so risky and  not even realize the consequences ~ or that your even doing it at all!
When I did finally ‘come to’ yesterday I felt deeply drugged, sicker than a dog and I had bruises all over my body. Hmm,.. It’s times like this I wished my cat could talk. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall to see what I was up to.
So, I did call my doctor and gave her the vanilla version. (Only took 7 or 8 & just felt tired and it wasn’t intentional,.. anything to keep her from putting me back in the hospital. She made an app’t for tomorrow just to check me out physically but right now, I actually feel a hundred times better. I have always abused drugs so this wasn’t what I would call an Overdose. (believe me I know all about those ~ and this time was different ~ It was a mistake,… end of,… and I would hope that it will never happen again.)
So, NO MORE PILLS except the Seroquel XR and the ciprolex that was PRESCRIBED to me. That’s all I have in my apartment now. I actually did the “complete sweep” of all meds I am not prescribed, and flushed them down the toilet. I know a lot of people won’t agree with me but,.. I think weed is much safer for me than pills are.
So now, with my empty medicine cabinet, I am taking this for what it was,… A scary mistake. What I don’t understand though,… is how does someone take 30 clonopin and still be here to tell? So, that’s it for me,… nothing but weed from now on.
Life lessons can be difficult and even fatal. I’m just lucky that there was an angel on my shoulders Sunday afternoon.
I’m embarrassed. Humiliated even. But, I am human and coming from a drug addiction problem for many years, it wasn’t the worst I’ve been through. But it most definitely was a HUGE reminder of how any drug can be dangerous.
I’m just completely grateful to be here to write this.

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