Not coping. There. I've said it so it's official ~ When I woke up this morning I was not doing well. I was exhausted. I was mentally and physically drained. I have not been sleeping well at all. I made coffee, slumped on the couch and knew that today was going to be ‘one of those days’. I knew my depression was bigger than me and I was not going to be able to function. So I gave in to it. This apartment could have caught on fire and I would not have been able to move. I was paralyzed in ‘my black fog’ So here I was facing yet another wasted day by Queen of Depression.
I know most people don’t understand my depression and social anxiety. Depression is full on mental agony. It leaves you in ruins. I like to joke that I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user-friendly. But the truth is I can’t leave my apartment because of my anxiety. And that really is no joke. Itleaves me feeling lonely and a failure.
My illness just rolls on to varying degrees over time. Today, I have dipped quite low.
I can see that I am deteriorating. I can feel it. Hayley came for the weekend. This always makes me feel better to some degree. But this particular visit was actually a bit hard. I was not well mentally (but didn’t want her to know that) so it really was a struggle to keep it all together. I have to admit that once she left, I collapsed in bed and cried. It took everything out of me to ‘pretend’ to her that I was alright. It left me drained.
Mental illness really does take a hold of you to the point where you barely recognize who you are anymore. I don’t think I will ever find peace with the person I see in the mirror each morning. I constantly feel guilt and humiliation. That definitely takes a toll on you.
I have a feeling that there are friends of mine who don’t understand my ‘silences’ and have given up on me. That’s alright. I may have given up on me at this point too. I just want to say to them that,… I haven’t called because I’m finding it too hard. I am concentrating all my efforts into getting well. Sometimes just waking up, having coffee and then a shower is all I can accomplish in that day. Other days I can get up and do a lot. There’s no rhyme or reason to what and how much I am capable of doing. Each day is different from the last. And unfortunately, the past month has been difficult and I have been struggling.