Monday, February 6, 2012

Forward is better than backwards

I think the word for how I’ve been feeling over the past few months is ‘discouraged’.

I went into the “Homewood Mental Health Hospital” in August because of my deteriorating mental health. For the past two to three years I had declined into a state of never leaving my apartment and not talking to anyone but my daughters. I knew something had to be done as my life had shrunk down to a barely existing state. So “Homewood” was supposed to be my recovery.

But here we are 4 months later and I seem to have slipped back into the very state I worked so diligently to change.  A new diagnosis along with new medication was suppose to kick start me into finally getting control over my illness and life.

Today, not only has it not helped me recover but I seem to have regressed to where I was last year. I’m again finding it impossible to integrate in society so have reverted back to my agoraphobic state. Only leaving my apartment if it’s with someone I really trust and who knows my situation. Mainly my daughters,… My brother and his wife,… and my friend Amanda. Everyone else I have completely lost.  I do realize that this is my doing. I have purposely pushed everyone else out. As much as I miss them in my life,... I wouldn't wish "me" on anyone. (Being with someone with mental illness is hard work)

The depression has definitely worsened. Along with the sadness and hopelessness one feels with this illness, there are so many little things that stop me from leading a normal life right now. My memory is terrible. I can’t seem to concentrate on the simplest of things. I can’t manage to take care of myself properly in regards to daily household chores ~ meals, cleaning, laundry,… Each of these tasks at times seems to be unachievable.

My reality of functioning right now is completely different than someone else’s who doesn’t suffer with mental illness. I don’t seem to have the same tools and thought process and capabilities that a “normal” person would have. In fact, Life is pretty overwhelming and I can’t even begin to explain just how difficult it is to cope with normal everyday life.

So, yes, right now I am feeling quite discouraged. I want so much to be “better’. I want so much to have my life back but I just don’t seem to be able to achieve that right now.

But I haven’t given up. ‘Discouraged’ is not the same as ‘failed’. And as long as I still manage to get up every morning then I’ve made it through yet another day. And each day is a baby step forward. And forward is better than backwards.

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