Sunday, January 22, 2012

The mental illness roller coaster ride

Well, the past few weeks have been up and down. But that's not bad because it would seem that I'm having more "up" days than I have before. This must be a sign that the new medication is starting to work. Or at least that's my hope.

Overall, I have been more motivated to do things. Not big things ~ I'm still not up to "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. But ever since the depression has decreased, I have found that a bit of OCD has replaced it. I only have OCD when I am not depressed. If I'm too depressed I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. But for the past month, Little OCD traits have been poking their way into my life. For one thing, I seem to be on a cleaning binge. And I don't mean normal cleaning,.. I mean over-the-top cleaning. I just can't 'mop' the floors,... I have to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the floors,... I can't just tidy the kitchen,... I have to scrub down every appliance, counter top and shelf until it's spotless,... Everything has to have a place and be in place or I can't relax. Now, this is half good,... and half not good,.... It's good because I've been depressed for so long that things have really slipped and things needed a real good scrub clean. But on the other hand, I've taken the cleaning to such an extreme that I go absolutely crazy cleaning and totally exhaust myself. I do realize the cleaning isn't normal ~ I just can't stop myself from doing it. But overall,... I'd rather be this way than slumped up in my recliner watching mindless television and not able to move for days and days at a time. Anything is better than that. I'm hoping that once I get used to my new medications the OCD tendencies will subside. (and its not all bad ~ It also means I have a spotless apartment!)

What I don't understand about things is why some days I wake up feeling really good ~ and other days I wake up feeling like the most worthless thing in the world. And my days bounce back between the two. I just don't understand how it happens so quickly. It's a real roller coaster ~ up,... down,... up,... down,.... and it happens in hours,... not just days,.... My mental illness really is a ride I just have to hold on to and hope I make it to the end without any dire consequences. And in my case, that means OD's,... and long hospital stays,... It really does make me wish for the umpteenth time that I could just be "normal' like everyone else. My chronic depression is absolutely exhausting to deal with.

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