Saturday, January 7, 2012

I made it through another holiday season

Well here we are ~ January 7th 2012 ~ and I have made it through the holiday season in one piece.

In the end, M******* and H***** (my two daughters) and I went over to my brothers on Christmas Eve and it was really nice.  I’m always happy when the cousins get together. There were the usual snacks and a little gift exchange. And even though there were some folks there who I didn’t really know,… I was able to stay and enjoy myself. I felt a bit of  anxiety and was uncomfortable, but I pushed myself to do it. So I would suppose that means that I am making some progress in the “social anxiety” thing.  Or maybe it was the 3 rum & Cokes I had that made me feel comfortable being in a social setting  (LOL) Either way, I feel I made progress and that’s the main goal right now. The biggest hurdle I knew would be getting through the first Christmas without my Mom. You can’t help but feel sad when your parents have passed on and they’re no longer at family get-togethers. When I got home that evening, I did light two candles. One for Dad, and one for Mom. I just wanted to feel them around me on this holiday.

Christmas day I was alone as I knew I would be. So I did the thing I always do when I'm stressed out, anxious and just can't deal or cope,.. I took a "Seroquel vacation" which entails taking 6 times my dosage of seroquel so that I was so drugged/sleepy that I slept most of the day away. I know this isn't one of the more clever ideas I've had but in the end it worked and … I made it through. :-}.  Besides, I was on 800 mg of Seroquel a day for two whole years of my life before they down-graded me to 150mg a day so I knew it wouldn't hurt me ~ It just allowed me to sleep the whole day away.

New Years Eve I was alone but that didn’t bother me at all. I have always said that this is one over-rated holiday. So I watched a movie, and then when the countdown was done I saluted 2011 goodbye and cautiously, optimistically welcomed 2012.
As for my health,… I’m having some issues with my new medication. It leaves me feeling nauseous all day. Not to mention very tired. Won’t go into all the details but suffice to say I don’t think I will be able to continue on with it. So next Doctors appointment I’m sure they will be changing it. I have always known that getting the right ‘cock-tail” of medication is not an easy thing to do and it does end up becoming an undertaking of trial and error. Nothing happens over-night and I know from experience that I have to just be patient until they can come up with a concoction that will work for me. After all, in the overall scheme of things,… I do feel a tiny bit better than I did a few weeks ago. I’m not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination but at least now I can see the clearing. I’ll take every little step forward I can.

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