Friday, July 27, 2012

I hate just barely existing

I feel so numb... empty... dark...

Is it my medication that makes me feel this way? Or is it the illness?

I want to go off of all my meds. The Seroquel has turned me into a zombie. But without it, I always end up in hospital. I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired. Tired of feeling nothing. Except sadness and darkness and loneliness. I don't have a life.

I just don't want to "be" anymore. I hate this limbo of just barely existing. It's just all so fucking sad

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I'm a mess

Has anyone else had episodes of hearing things that they know aren't there? I mean, it's weird... I don't 'actually' hear a voice... It's like a thought is put in my head by someone. It's 5:52 in the morning and I haven't slept because I had this 'voice' tell me that a man is just outside my apartment door and he's waiting for me to come out. So all night I kept looking out the peephole and worrying myself into an anxiety ridden mess. Now, I'm sane enough to know that the 'voice/thought' isnt' real ~ but I'm sick enough to have experienced it. It's rather frightening.

I've also been having episodes where my vision gets all distorted. Like just before a person faints things start to swim in front of them. It's kind of like that. I feel detached and weird and my world gets all funny in front of me. Again, i am sane enough to know this isn't real and its just a temporary vision of some such thing but I'm sick enough to have it happen to me. As I'm sure 'normal' people don't experience these things.

Obviously I am not doing well right now. I never leave my apartment anymore because I'm afraid these 'episodes' will happen in public and I will not cope and freak out. I even cancelled a night in with a friend this week because I'm just not coping well and couldn't deal with being with anyone. I just want to be on my own, in my apartment.

I have an appointment with my therapist next week so i know I will have to tell her all of this. But it scares me as I really don't want to go back into the hospital.

So, I just hibernate away in my flat. Sleeping all day and awake all night.... My life is a mess.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Trapped In Madness

Trapped in Madness

My mind lives in a realm with no edge
Overflowing pastel shades of fog swirl in my head
My thoughts flow
No validity
No strength
Disintegrating into my mad and secret world

I exist in this delusion
Between other worlds
Floating aimlessly through the layers of my madness
Neither here nor there
In a twilight only I can see
It’s hauntingly beautiful inside my mind

I cannot leave my asylum
The portal is strong and covered in vines
The rusty handle locked in crusty rust
It’s impenetrable
I cannot pass through
I am forever a prisoner in my own perception

I am told I have to leave this haven
But I cannot find my way
I take a step
But the ground falls away
I fall and fall,…
Back into my world

Friday, July 6, 2012

The evils of Seroquel

Lets see if I can write this blog entry before I melt from this evil heat,… (computer says its 33* ~ 38 with the humidity ~ ick)

Well I drove my youngest daughter home yesterday after our 4 day visit. It’s amazing what spending time with my children can do for my mood and spirit. The weeks after my therapy ended I had been getting worse. Feeling very down and just couldn’t function like I should be. But then Hayley called to ask if she could come here for a few days. I have to admit that I was not really up to it mentally. But knowing how good for me it would be I knew I should just push through and go and get her. Of course I’m glad I did.

Usually once the girls are here I can pull myself together long enough to make it work and have a great time. This time I found it much harder. I was having some serious insomnia and for two nights that Hayley was here I didn’t sleep at all leaving me exhausted and unmotivated. But I forced myself to get on with things anyway. There was definitely something different with this visit. Even though I tried my best ~ more than my best,… I really struggled hard to force myself,…. I just wasn’t able to be where I would like to be mentally. But whether Hayley noticed or not, we still managed to have a wonderful visit anyway. Hayley is an exuberant and humorous girl and is able to keep me laughing. I love having her around. She is definitely good for me. I’m going to miss her know that she is back home.

Now I am back to my crazy insomniatic, mental self once again. I didn’t take any of my prescribed Seroquel for the whole four days that Hayley was here because Seroquel is a horribly sedating drug. It makes me sleep for way too long (sometimes up to 24 hours in one stretch) and when I do wake up, I walk around in the dreaded Seroquel hangover daze. It robs me of a lot of my life. So when I have something important to go to or have the girls visiting or something, I just don’t take it or else I would sleep the whole time they are here. Unfortunately this backfires because it throws me into insomnia where I don’t sleep at all. It’s the damned if I do and damned if I don’t syndrome. But, I chose the ’no-seroquel’ option while Hayley was here and therefore had 2 nights of no sleep leaving me totally exhausted.

So last night once I got home from dropping her off back in Tottenham, I dutifully took my prescribed dose of Seroquel. This was at 8:00pm. I went to bed around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 6:00pm!!  17 hours!! I completely lost a day. This is actually quite typical of life on Seroquel. But I hate it. How can you manage to live a life when your sleeping all the time? Or walking around hung over from the effects? But off of this drug I plummet into a deep depression with serious symptoms (self-harm and feeling suicidal) and usually end up in the hospital.

Over the years Doctors have tried experimenting with many other medications but Seroquel seems to be the only one that keeps me well enough to stay out of the hospital. But at what cost to me? I had plans to go to baseball with my brother tonight. I had to cancel because I was sleeping. How embarrassing is it to phone someone and cancel plans because you just woke up. At 6:00pm!

So,… on goes my roller-coaster life. Is it any wonder I always feel that my life just isn't worth bothering with?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

1 step forward, 2 steps back

I seem to be struggling a bit at the moment. I have spent the past year in therapy/recovery and as of last week it has all come to an end. No more therapy or hospital or groups. I am now officially on my own again except for the care of my GP. I knew it was coming and I did try and prepare myself but when the time came to say good-bye, It was just a lot harder than I expected it to be.
I made a point of being aware that it would be difficult and forcing myself to be pro-active by pushing myself to do what’s good for me. But, I’m afraid, things don’t seem to be going to plan in that aspect. In fact,… I seem to have regressed.

I don’t want to go into all the illness details of what is happening, but the end result is me having a very difficult time leaving my apartment once again. And this is so disheartening because I worked so hard to overcome this problem. And now I’m really disappointed in myself.

I can’t explain to people how this social phobia/anxiety/agoraphobia thing works. You just wouldn’t understand it unless you lived it. But even though I am trying really hard, I just can’t leave my apartment and be a part of society. In short,… I find it just too overwhelming.

I did try this week. I contacted a few of the girls I met in group and said I’d like to make plans to get together with them. They are really great women and I know it would be really good for me to have such nice (and understanding) friends. We bonded so well in group and I know they are caring and they do have an idea of my “issues” so they do understand.

But,… It’s just so difficult to actually leave this apartment to see them. At the time that I make plans with friends or family, I fully intend to keep them. I even look forward to spending time with the person I’ve made arrangements with. But when the actual time comes,… I just can’t do it,… I just can’t leave this damn apartment.

It’s a sad and lonely disorder to have. Because I know what always happens in the end. It always ends up with me making a last-minute call to cancel. Which seems to be acceptable once or twice, but after numerous times people understandably start to get annoyed. This ends up in hard feelings and eventually,.. the loss of that friendship. People don’t mind meeting up with me here in my apartment a few times but over time they get bored and move on.
After all of my therapy I have a much better understanding of why I am this way. But unfortunately, overcoming the phobia is proving to be so much more difficult than I anticipated. Mental Illness really is full on mental agony sometimes. It has robbed me of so much. And left me with such guilt. On days (like today) when all I can accomplish is to eat and have a shower,… I feel guilty and think I’m not worthy. And that I’m letting all the people down who have supported me over the past year. And I get scared that they, too, will leave when they see such little progress.

And yet,… I really am trying. That’s what makes this illness/disorder so frustrating. Sometimes I try so hard yet I still fail. Luckily there are times I do really, really well and it’s these times that keep encouraging me to struggle on. Which I will continue to do. I did manage to get out for 20 minutes today. And that felt like climbing a mountain. But I forced myself and I did do it. So, I guess I have to hold on to the small accomplishments.

Again, this blog entry isn’t all hearts and roses,… but then again, neither is mental illness and some days you just get down about it all and need to vent.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

fighting hard to stay "up"

It’s been a bit of a week with me.

Monday I went to pick up my new kitty  “Maurice BaBa O’Riley”  He’s a 1 yr old male ~ all black ~ and cute as a button. But like all kitties, he’s curious and friendly and BUSY! I love him,… Maggie? Well the jury is still out on that one. As the Queen would say,…. “I’m not amused”  What possessed me to get another cat? Insomnia. Yup,… sleepless nights on the Internet trolling Kijiji and falling in love with free kitties. Guess I figured if I’m going to be awake all damn night I may as well have a playmate.

I don’t know what is causing this insomnia. I have suffered with it more or less my whole adult life. But over the past year it has definitely gotten worse. One reason may be the very obvious. I’m no longer on all those sedating drugs. Now that I’m more or less “clean & sober.” (I say more or less as I’m still on my very limited prescribed medications). Another reason may be all the changes I’ve been going through this past year. All the therapy,… it does tend to play havoc with your mind. And with me,… It seems to have the frustrating side-effect of not being able to sleep because I lay in bed and my mind just won’t turn off. I’m told it’s a lot to do with my GAD (General anxiety disorder) and a bit to do with the emotions, and feelings the therapy is drudging up. Whatever the reason,… It’s driving me mad and definitely playing havoc with my sleep schedule. In short I don’t have a schedule. I sleep when my mind allows it.

Therapy,… My last therapy session is this Tuesday. I am not comfortable with this at all. The group sessions especially. I have made many bonds with the other woman and I know I am going to feel a huge hole once the group stops this week. I am very worried that I will slip backwards. I am already feeling anxious and sad that it has come to an end and I’m afraid that those feelings will get worse. It’s something I am aware of though so hopefully I can be mindful and work at not letting myself go back to where I was before. My therapy has become a very safe and comforting place for me and I’m really worried about not having it there anymore after next week. I feel like I say this all the time but,.. Baby steps forward,… one day at a time,…

And of course Saturday was the 9 year anniversary of my Dads passing. (and today being Fathers Day) You would think it would get easier with each passing year but somehow I still get sad and quiet on the day. I don’t think you ever get comfortable with your parents just not being around anymore. It’s a huge loss and you always feel it on all the ‘occasions’.

Anyway, I know this blog entry is kind of all over the place but that’s sort of where my head is right now. (Lack of sleep definitely has it’s consequences). I wanted to write,… I just seem to be finding it a bit of a struggle trying to sort my thoughts out lately. This I’m afraid is the best I can do.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Taking a "Matilda Day"

Well I had an awesome long week-end. I drove to Tottenham on Friday afternoon to pick Hayley up and bring her back here.  We managed to pack in a ton of stuff. We drove to “St. Jacobs Market” on Saturday morning and then to a mall in Kitchener so she could go “Prom” shopping. On the way back home we stopped in Elora and hung out at the Elora gorge. That afternoon we went to “The Captain’s” to cool down by going for a swim in the pool. Then a walk to Dairy Queen,… Then a driving lesson for Hayley,… then dinner,… then another walk downtown Fergus,…

Sunday we gave “Ol Bella” (my car) a good cleaning in and out. Another swim at the Captains,.. another good dinner,…. And then an evening in watching a marathon of “Celebrity Ghost Stories”

Monday we drove to Barrie so we could visit with Michelle. We went out for lunch, then hung around Michelle’s for a bit, then back in the car to drive Hayley home. I didn’t get home till early evening where I promptly plopped onto my lounge chair and didn’t move until bedtime. I fell asleep a very happy camper.

Next day was my 3 hour group therapy class which turned out to be quite intense. I left feeling overwhelmed and drained. (I usually do)

So this morning when I woke up,… late,… It was no surprise to me that I felt like I had woken up in the middle of my dreaded “Black fog”. Tired,… sluggish,…. Depressed,….  It always seems to happen after I spend time with one or both of my daughters. I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I’d like to. They are both busy with their own lives and neither one has a car so our visits tend to be months apart. When I do finally see them and we have such an awesome time,… I tend to feel let down and depressed when our time together is over.

I also tend to get very tired after a busy time. One of the frustrating symptoms of my illness is the constant low energy level. I seem to have a low stress and coping level at the best of times but when you add in a busy non-stop weekend, I really do feel it once it’s over. I almost always “crash”.  And that is most definitely what has happened today. I woke up depressed and exhausted.

So I called today a “Matilda Day”  ~ Matilda is the name I give my depression. When my depression surfaces,… then “Matilda” is back.  (Ok it’s weird,… but I just need a little humour to get myself through sometimes,…) A “Matilda” day is a day I stay in pajamas and just hang out. No stress,… Just rest,… My therapist calls it a “self-care” day.

On days like this I tend to feel very guilty and embarrassed. It’s not easy to be “less” than your supposed to be. Everyone else in life seems to lead productive lives and are all contributing members of society. I, on the other hand, can’t seem to cope with everyday life and don’t always do so well. It makes you feel like a failure. But after 30 years of dealing with said “Matilda” I have come to realize that this is my lot in life and I will just have to deal with it the best way I know how. And if that means taking time to rest up and recuperate my mind and spirit when I need to, then that is what I will do. One of the reasons I ‘came out’ on this blog was so I could talk about these issues so people could understand better the crazy good and bad days of my roller-coaster existence. I used to lie to people and make up excuses for why I wasn’t able to keep plans, etc,… But I have now decided that It’s so much easier to just admit I’m having a bad day and can’t seem to cope with life that day so I’m going to take a self-care day.

Two years ago,… everyday was a ‘Matilda Day’. For nearly 3 years I rarely left my apartment and barely existed. But over the past year I have really worked hard to overcome this. Through therapy and groups and my time at “Homewood” I am learning to push through my comfort zone and learn to live life once again. And I think I am doing well. I seem to have overcome all kinds of obstacles over the past year. I feel like I have really come out of my shell and started to live once again. I’m still not completely “well” yet. But I’ve definitely come a long way.

So, even though today has been bad. I know that I can do things to help myself overcome my depression. I know tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. And hopefully because I took a day to rest and rejuvenate,… then tomorrow will be a good day.

I will always struggle with depression and my mental illness. I will probably always have good and bad phases. And I will probably always be in and out of the hospital. But now that I have some great therapy under my belt and some understanding and support from my friends and family, I do feel I can live a much more fulfilled life. My mental illness will always be a part of my life, but now,… I will not let if define me or hold me back. Today was a setback,… but tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let bygones be bygones

After my Mom passed away, life changed. Suddenly, the people you loved and counted on were not there. A huge chunk of your life now no longer existed. The family home,… The holidays,… The “family” was no longer there. To me,… It all just felt so broken. Because of some things that had gone on in the past, my brothers and I had gone our separate ways and weren’t in each other’s lives. It was very lonely.
But once Mom passed away, I think Glen and I realized that all we had left was each other. I knew in my heart my parents would be disappointed if the family was no longer together. My brother and I loved our parents enough that as a gift to them, we choose to put our past behind us and reconcile our relationship. We knew what that would mean for our parents. And in doing this,… we were blessed with a gift to ourselves that we didn’t realize was even there. We found a bond together. We decided to just forget the past and focus on the future.
In doing this I have discovered a wonderful person in my brother. We have reconnected and are now rediscovering each other as people. I can honestly say that I am a richer person for it.. He has carved out a great life for himself and his family. I am so proud of the achievements he has accomplished and the person he has become.
And I am grateful to him for accepting me back into his life as I am. He has totally understood my health issues and has accepted them as “me”. He encourages me to do my best but understands when there are days I can’t’.  Just accepting me as “me” has meant a great deal.  There have not been many people in my life who have done that. It’s a refreshing relief to be able to live my life honestly and not have to keep making excuses for the bad days.
I’m pretty sure that Glen and I will remain great friends for the remainder of our lives now. I consider this a gift and am grateful for it.
Happy Birthday Glen!! I love you tons,…

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Denial, denial, denial,....

I have been abusing prescription meds for nearly 20 years. And over the past 20 years I have managed to find a way to make it sound legit.  The Doctor prescribed them to me so therefore its perfectly alright to take them. Right? Today, I am admitting for the first time that that is definitely wrong and I definitely abuse the drugs I have been prescribed.
It is still true that my doctors have over-prescribed meds to me for a very long time. I suppose I can be quite manipulative when I need to be and conned a lot of drugs out of my doctors. Then I would take the bare minimum and stock pile the rest until “needed”.
For two full years I was prescribed 800mg of Seroquel. The average dose is about 50mg. I would abuse these to the point of taking up to 3200mg at a time which would do exactly what I intended it to do and that would be knock me out for a good 24 hours or more at a time. 24 hours that I didn’t have to feel depressed or a failure or stupid or worthless. It gave me a 24 hour reprieve from my life. I called this "My Seroquel Vacation"
When I went into hospital this last time (July 2011) I finally admitted to my therapist that I was on a lot of prescription drugs ~ but they were prescribed ~ therefore I was suppose to take that much. What I didn’t tell them, because I had not even admit it to myself yet, was that I grossly abused these drugs taking 2 and 3 ~ even 4 or 5 times the recommended dose.
Tuesday, in my therapy group, I finally admit to everyone that I am definitely an addict and I definitely abuse prescription drugs. I admit that now that I am not being prescribed a lot of meds from my new doctor (who is extremely careful about prescribing only the minimum amount) I have turned to marijuana and alcohol and even over-the-counter drugs. In fact, my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life ~ even for a short time.
The craving is unbelievably strong. And sadly, I don’t want to stop taking drugs. My life is grim. I hate being forced to live it. I need to escape it. I tried going drug free for abut 3 or 4 months after I got out of the hospital. I took only my prescribed meds and they did nothing. But ultimately, I gave in and went back to abusing ~ anything.
I feel like such a complete failure.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


The weather outside is absolutely gorgeous but I can't seem to get myself outside to enjoy it. I've been inside all day with the curtains drawn.

I was suppose to go out tonight but cancelled because I'm just feeling so,... I don't even know,... anxious, sad, worthless,... I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at all. I don't want to "be" anymore. But i just can't get my shit together to fix it.

I definitely feel like a failure tonight. :-(

Saturday, March 10, 2012

falling off the wagon

I had a 'Girls Night In' with my friend last night and it was fun. I definitely enjoyed myself. But we were both tired and decided to call it a night early. I was so tired I thought I would just fall into bed and fall asleep. Didn't happen. Instead I had a horrible night. I just could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. Insomnia really is the most frustrating thing. I didn't end up falling asleep until about 7 or 8 this morning and then slept till noon.

This afternoon I am understandably tired. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a very long time. It's quite difficult to fight an addiction to drugs when you are so tired all you want to do is use. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I miss my drug use. At least when I couldn't sleep I could take Seroquel or anti-anxieties. Last night I didn't take anything but I REALLY wanted to. I came 'this close' to getting up and taking something or smoking some weed. But I didn't. And today I feel awful. I'm not only tired,... I'm feeling really down.

It's hard to WANT to get & stay off drugs when you can't sleep without them. I WANT my drugs back. I WANT to use,... I'm tired of being sober but so tired and depressed I don't care about life. I hate feeling so worthless and useless and a waste of space. I WANT to take drugs to zone out from that. So this mind-set doesn't really set you up for success at staying sober.

I'm too tired today to care. I think I am going to go and smoke some weed and chill. If that makes me a failure then today,... I have failed. But right now, I don't know any other way of coping.

Sunday, March 4, 2012


Today has been a day of feeling oddly unsettled ~ a restless boredom ~ that I couldn't seem to change. I was a little agitated because I just couldn't seem to relax. I would try to watch TV but was too restless and couldn't concentrate. I would try reading but that didnt' work for the same reason. I ended up going for an afternoon nap just because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. It was quite a weird feeling. When I woke up at dinner time I seemed to feel a bit more settled.

I had had a nice evening with my brother and sister-in-law on Saturday. But when I got home I just couldn't relax or concentrate and just felt 'uncomfortable'. I went to bed but woke up on and off throughout the night. By morning I felt anything but rested. It has been a 'weird' couple of days to say the least.

It is now 2:30 in the morning and as usual I am still up. I don't feel the least bit tired. I have decided to stop taking all drugs not prescribed by my doctor for awhile. Usually if I felt this awake I would delve into my stores of medication I have 'accumulated' over the past few years. Namely Seroquel. But in light of that 'scary episode" that happened a few weeks ago I have decided to take only my prescribed medications. Unfortunately that is now only ciprolex ~ nothing sedating in that at all.

So over the past while I have been turning to weed. Just smoking a bare minimal just to make me relaxed. It seems to be working. But now I'm wondering,... is this the cause of my 'restlessness' over the past few days. Maybe its a combination of not taking lots of my usual drugs and starting the pot regime. I don['t know. I also have a sniffy nose and scratchy throat so maybe its just that I'm getting a cold. Who knows.

I just know I need to go to bed and I don't want to have to take Seroquel to put me to sleep. I don't feel like pot as my throat is kind of sore already and that will just make it worse.Maybe I will make myself a hot Neo-Citran.

I am babbling. But that's because my mind seems to be all over the place. if only I could finally get a full, deep sleep I know I would feel a lot better.

Damn insomnia. It seems to have left me a scatter-brained mess.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Quick update

Well, I have finally started remembering a few things. The number one thing,... how I ended up taking 30 klonopin without even realizing. Dumb,... dumb,... dumb,...
I now remember getting a tub of yogurt and putting 3 or 4 klonopin in each mouthful on the spoon. Why?? I have no idea. I was pprobably already so messed up I didn't realize what I was doing. I certainly wouldn't have done it if I was thinking strait.  So at least now I'm not tearing through the apartment looking for them. I know they're gone.
I think I blacked out for two days. (definitely 24 hours anyway) And its' just today that I'm starting to feel better physically. Serves me right.
But it's frightening to know that I can lose my mind (cuz basically that's what happened ~ I wasn't in control of my mind anymore) and do stuff with serious consequences. 
There are times I really hate this illness. It robs me of who I am and what I do. 
I just want to be normal. But that's never going to happen. sad. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Won't be pulling THAT stunt ever again!

Well what a weird experience I have had over the past week. I don’t know what the hell happened but I woke up Tuesday morning doing the “what the fuck just happened,… “
It started with my insomnia. (doesn’t it always start with insomnia in my life?) so my daughter (adult daughter,… shes not some elementary school drug dealer or anything) brought me some weed. Now you have to understand that after I was in the hospital for 6 weeks they took me off ALL of my anxiety meds. Since then I have averaged about 3 hrs sleep a night and I am quite literally going insane with feeling so tired all the time.
So,… my daughter gave me some weed which I smoked. And just for verification I use a pipe and I only have one (or two at the most) tokes. I hadn’t smoked weed in a long time. I was a little apprehensive. But it worked. Really well I might add. I smoke a bowl right before bed and I actually FALL ASLEEP! I’ve been using it every  night now for over a week.
But somehow, and I still can’t figure out how, I found a bottle of 30 klonopin pills. A prescription given to me that I filled ages ago and then hid ~ just in case ~ But I totally forgot all about it.
Roll on Tuesday morning. I felt like my body was made of lead and I seriously could NOT move out of bed. I was well and truly drugged up to the nines. But I couldn’t figure out how because my weed was still in the bedroom ~ not touched. So that wasn’t it. But I knew something had gone on because one day its Sunday morning and then next thing I know its Tuesday night. ??? In my drugged up stupor I barely remember finding the klonopin. I thought I took two. But, now I realize I took the whole bottle. This is the first time I have ever ‘blacked out’ and not known what happened. I have been tearing this apartment apart looking for these klonopin but I just couldn’t find them anywhere. By this time, because of how horrible I felt, I realized I had taken all 30.  THIRTY! I know I have OD’d (on purpose) in the past at least 6 times but this time was NOT intentional at all. I was just so high I don’t remember doing it. (I had not smoked weed at all during these few 'lost' days)
It wasn’t until I went to change the garbage tonight that I pulled the bag out of the garbage container and there on the bottom of the bag was ~ you guessed it ~ an empty bottle of clonopin. (am I spelling it right? ) There was also a bottle of rum and an over the counter med for colds. Which leads me to the million dollar question,… What in Gods name was I doing??? I am starting to feel better now physically but mentally it scared me that you could do something so risky and  not even realize the consequences ~ or that your even doing it at all!
When I did finally ‘come to’ yesterday I felt deeply drugged, sicker than a dog and I had bruises all over my body. Hmm,.. It’s times like this I wished my cat could talk. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall to see what I was up to.
So, I did call my doctor and gave her the vanilla version. (Only took 7 or 8 & just felt tired and it wasn’t intentional,.. anything to keep her from putting me back in the hospital. She made an app’t for tomorrow just to check me out physically but right now, I actually feel a hundred times better. I have always abused drugs so this wasn’t what I would call an Overdose. (believe me I know all about those ~ and this time was different ~ It was a mistake,… end of,… and I would hope that it will never happen again.)
So, NO MORE PILLS except the Seroquel XR and the ciprolex that was PRESCRIBED to me. That’s all I have in my apartment now. I actually did the “complete sweep” of all meds I am not prescribed, and flushed them down the toilet. I know a lot of people won’t agree with me but,.. I think weed is much safer for me than pills are.
So now, with my empty medicine cabinet, I am taking this for what it was,… A scary mistake. What I don’t understand though,… is how does someone take 30 clonopin and still be here to tell? So, that’s it for me,… nothing but weed from now on.
Life lessons can be difficult and even fatal. I’m just lucky that there was an angel on my shoulders Sunday afternoon.
I’m embarrassed. Humiliated even. But, I am human and coming from a drug addiction problem for many years, it wasn’t the worst I’ve been through. But it most definitely was a HUGE reminder of how any drug can be dangerous.
I’m just completely grateful to be here to write this.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Welcome to the Asylum

Not coping. There. I've said it so it's official ~ When I woke up this morning I was not doing well. I was exhausted. I was mentally and physically drained. I have not been sleeping well at all.  I made coffee, slumped on the couch and knew that today was going to be ‘one of those days’. I knew my depression was bigger than me and I was not going to be able to function. So I gave in to it. This apartment could have caught on fire and I would not have been able to move. I was paralyzed in ‘my black fog’ So here I was facing yet another wasted day by Queen of Depression.

I know most people don’t understand my depression and social anxiety. Depression is full on mental agony. It leaves you in ruins. I like to joke that I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user-friendly. But the truth is I can’t leave my apartment because of my anxiety. And that really is no joke. Itleaves me feeling lonely and a failure.

My illness just rolls on to varying degrees over time. Today, I have dipped quite low.  

I can see that I am deteriorating. I can feel it. Hayley came for the weekend. This always makes me feel better to some degree. But this particular visit was actually a bit hard. I was not well mentally (but didn’t want her to know that) so it really was a struggle to keep it all together. I have to admit that once she left, I collapsed in bed and cried. It took everything out of me to ‘pretend’ to her that I was alright. It left me drained.

Mental illness really does take a hold of you to the point where you barely recognize who you are anymore. I don’t think I will ever find peace with the person I see in the mirror each morning. I constantly feel guilt and humiliation. That definitely takes a toll on you.

I have a feeling that there are friends of mine who don’t understand my ‘silences’ and have given up on me. That’s alright. I may have given up on me at this point too. I just want to say to them that,… I haven’t called because I’m finding it too hard. I am concentrating all my efforts into getting well. Sometimes just waking up, having coffee and then a shower is all I can accomplish in that day. Other days I can get up and do a lot. There’s no rhyme or reason to what and how much I am capable of doing. Each day is different from the last. And unfortunately, the past month has been difficult and I have been struggling.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Forward is better than backwards

I think the word for how I’ve been feeling over the past few months is ‘discouraged’.

I went into the “Homewood Mental Health Hospital” in August because of my deteriorating mental health. For the past two to three years I had declined into a state of never leaving my apartment and not talking to anyone but my daughters. I knew something had to be done as my life had shrunk down to a barely existing state. So “Homewood” was supposed to be my recovery.

But here we are 4 months later and I seem to have slipped back into the very state I worked so diligently to change.  A new diagnosis along with new medication was suppose to kick start me into finally getting control over my illness and life.

Today, not only has it not helped me recover but I seem to have regressed to where I was last year. I’m again finding it impossible to integrate in society so have reverted back to my agoraphobic state. Only leaving my apartment if it’s with someone I really trust and who knows my situation. Mainly my daughters,… My brother and his wife,… and my friend Amanda. Everyone else I have completely lost.  I do realize that this is my doing. I have purposely pushed everyone else out. As much as I miss them in my life,... I wouldn't wish "me" on anyone. (Being with someone with mental illness is hard work)

The depression has definitely worsened. Along with the sadness and hopelessness one feels with this illness, there are so many little things that stop me from leading a normal life right now. My memory is terrible. I can’t seem to concentrate on the simplest of things. I can’t manage to take care of myself properly in regards to daily household chores ~ meals, cleaning, laundry,… Each of these tasks at times seems to be unachievable.

My reality of functioning right now is completely different than someone else’s who doesn’t suffer with mental illness. I don’t seem to have the same tools and thought process and capabilities that a “normal” person would have. In fact, Life is pretty overwhelming and I can’t even begin to explain just how difficult it is to cope with normal everyday life.

So, yes, right now I am feeling quite discouraged. I want so much to be “better’. I want so much to have my life back but I just don’t seem to be able to achieve that right now.

But I haven’t given up. ‘Discouraged’ is not the same as ‘failed’. And as long as I still manage to get up every morning then I’ve made it through yet another day. And each day is a baby step forward. And forward is better than backwards.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The mental illness roller coaster ride

Well, the past few weeks have been up and down. But that's not bad because it would seem that I'm having more "up" days than I have before. This must be a sign that the new medication is starting to work. Or at least that's my hope.

Overall, I have been more motivated to do things. Not big things ~ I'm still not up to "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. But ever since the depression has decreased, I have found that a bit of OCD has replaced it. I only have OCD when I am not depressed. If I'm too depressed I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. But for the past month, Little OCD traits have been poking their way into my life. For one thing, I seem to be on a cleaning binge. And I don't mean normal cleaning,.. I mean over-the-top cleaning. I just can't 'mop' the floors,... I have to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the floors,... I can't just tidy the kitchen,... I have to scrub down every appliance, counter top and shelf until it's spotless,... Everything has to have a place and be in place or I can't relax. Now, this is half good,... and half not good,.... It's good because I've been depressed for so long that things have really slipped and things needed a real good scrub clean. But on the other hand, I've taken the cleaning to such an extreme that I go absolutely crazy cleaning and totally exhaust myself. I do realize the cleaning isn't normal ~ I just can't stop myself from doing it. But overall,... I'd rather be this way than slumped up in my recliner watching mindless television and not able to move for days and days at a time. Anything is better than that. I'm hoping that once I get used to my new medications the OCD tendencies will subside. (and its not all bad ~ It also means I have a spotless apartment!)

What I don't understand about things is why some days I wake up feeling really good ~ and other days I wake up feeling like the most worthless thing in the world. And my days bounce back between the two. I just don't understand how it happens so quickly. It's a real roller coaster ~ up,... down,... up,... down,.... and it happens in hours,... not just days,.... My mental illness really is a ride I just have to hold on to and hope I make it to the end without any dire consequences. And in my case, that means OD's,... and long hospital stays,... It really does make me wish for the umpteenth time that I could just be "normal' like everyone else. My chronic depression is absolutely exhausting to deal with.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

a blip in mood

I had such a great few days.  Saturday I went to the St. Jacobs Market with my brother and sister-in-law. Sunday I didn't feel well at all so stayed home. Monday I drove up to Barrie to have a visit with my two daughters. And despite the 4 hr round trip, I had such a lovely day.

But Tuesday I woke up feeling really out of sorts. Can't describe in words. Just sort of sad and melancholy. Tired and worthless. I just don't understand it. How can you feel so good for a few days and then wake up feeling completely the opposite?

Tuesday night I just felt so horrible that I took double my Seroquel dosage as I know it wouldn't hurt me, but it would let me sleep. (I have terrible insomnia). And it did. It gave me a great nights sleep. But unfortunately I slept until 8:00pm this evening. But, I woke up feeling some-what better.

I'm going to chalk the 'feeling bad' down to missing my family. And I am going to draw a line under it and start again. Tomorrow I am going to wake up feeling good!!!!!

If there's anything I have learned over the years, It's that my mental illness will never go away. I know that when I do feel good I know the feeling won't last. Ditto for feeling bad. When I feel so depressed and horrible I just want to die, I know this too, won't last. The only thing consistent about mental illness, is that it's never consistent! So I am going to forget the low feeling I'm having and tell myself that tomorrow will be another day ~ and it will be a better one.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Great Weekend

I know I just wrote on here a couple of days ago, but I had such a good day yesterday I thought I’d share good times instead of doom and gloom.  Saturday my brother called and asked me to go to St. Jacobs market with him and the wife. I wasn’t doing anything so went along. And even though it was really crowded I did quite well. I was still not comfortable but I didn’t feel any real panic or need to get out of there. So that can only mean one thing and that is I must slowly be getting better. I’m going to try to go again on Thursday ~ but on my own ~ which will be a real test. But I really do think I’m ready. Enough of isolating in this apartment. It’s time to push through the panic and anxiety and just get back into life. I need to get a job,…. I need to start making friends here,… I need to start LIVING once again. It’s been a very difficult 3 yrs but I made it through. That has to count for something.
Tomorrow I am driving up to Barrie with Hayley to visit with Michelle. I’m quite looking forward to that as I haven’t seen them since Christmas Eve. Michelle doesn’t have a car so I like to get out there when I can to help her out by driving her around where ever she needs to go. (grocery shopping, bank,…) Then we’ll probably grab dinner and then Hayley and I will head back home.
So, I have decided, 2012 is going to be a better year for me. I just need to continue working hard and I’m sure everything will just fall into place,

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I made it through another holiday season

Well here we are ~ January 7th 2012 ~ and I have made it through the holiday season in one piece.

In the end, M******* and H***** (my two daughters) and I went over to my brothers on Christmas Eve and it was really nice.  I’m always happy when the cousins get together. There were the usual snacks and a little gift exchange. And even though there were some folks there who I didn’t really know,… I was able to stay and enjoy myself. I felt a bit of  anxiety and was uncomfortable, but I pushed myself to do it. So I would suppose that means that I am making some progress in the “social anxiety” thing.  Or maybe it was the 3 rum & Cokes I had that made me feel comfortable being in a social setting  (LOL) Either way, I feel I made progress and that’s the main goal right now. The biggest hurdle I knew would be getting through the first Christmas without my Mom. You can’t help but feel sad when your parents have passed on and they’re no longer at family get-togethers. When I got home that evening, I did light two candles. One for Dad, and one for Mom. I just wanted to feel them around me on this holiday.

Christmas day I was alone as I knew I would be. So I did the thing I always do when I'm stressed out, anxious and just can't deal or cope,.. I took a "Seroquel vacation" which entails taking 6 times my dosage of seroquel so that I was so drugged/sleepy that I slept most of the day away. I know this isn't one of the more clever ideas I've had but in the end it worked and … I made it through. :-}.  Besides, I was on 800 mg of Seroquel a day for two whole years of my life before they down-graded me to 150mg a day so I knew it wouldn't hurt me ~ It just allowed me to sleep the whole day away.

New Years Eve I was alone but that didn’t bother me at all. I have always said that this is one over-rated holiday. So I watched a movie, and then when the countdown was done I saluted 2011 goodbye and cautiously, optimistically welcomed 2012.
As for my health,… I’m having some issues with my new medication. It leaves me feeling nauseous all day. Not to mention very tired. Won’t go into all the details but suffice to say I don’t think I will be able to continue on with it. So next Doctors appointment I’m sure they will be changing it. I have always known that getting the right ‘cock-tail” of medication is not an easy thing to do and it does end up becoming an undertaking of trial and error. Nothing happens over-night and I know from experience that I have to just be patient until they can come up with a concoction that will work for me. After all, in the overall scheme of things,… I do feel a tiny bit better than I did a few weeks ago. I’m not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination but at least now I can see the clearing. I’ll take every little step forward I can.