Friday, June 24, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Progress??

Progress? I think so,... not sure,...
After my disappointing intake phone call where I was told my appointment wouldn't be until August 30th I really went downhill. I literally cried with the frustration of it all. The next morning I made an appointment with my new GP. They tried to give me an app't in a weeks time but I insisted it was urgent and so they miraculously found me an app't that day.
I went in to her and I told her everything. I didn't hold back anything except that my suicidal thoughts were also urges and plans. I knew if I told her that I would end up in the hospital and that is the last thing I could cope with right now. So i just said I had suicidal thoughts. (I'm getting to know how doctors work now,... NEVER say your planning!)
She sat up and took notice.
I told her I didn't think my medication (Seroquel XR 400mg and Lorazapam) were doing a blind bit of good as I was still very depressed and this bout of it has now lasted for nearly 3 years. I tried getting across to her just how badly I have slipped and how deeply I have succumbed into this illness.
So she wrote me a prescription for Cipralex (only 10mg) and Clonazepam (only .25mg) and she assured me the clonazepam would only be for 4 weeks. No repeats at all. Ok,... obviously she has now read my chart from my past doctors and knows about my prescription medication overdose history. In fact,... she even asked for the bottle of my Lorazapam back as it still had about a dozen pills left in it. Oh oh,... This doctor is not going to be a pushover with meds. Damn. In fact,... she is extremely cautious and has told me she will not write any repeats if I use them all up before the prescription runs out. So no hoarding pills for "just in case"
I know in my head that this is a very good thing and shes actually being a great doctor. But I have always needed a stockpile of meds put aside "just in case" It comforts me to know it is there. I NEED that out. Now there is no way I will be able to have that. It makes me slightly unsettled. So unsettled that I have actually been getting desperate enough to start thinking of looking for illegal pills on the street. How on earth I would even know where to look or who to go to I have no idea. But I just feel like I need that "safety net" Yes,... I am a desperate girl right now. But I really do want to have some xanax or lorazapam or some other anxiety med to take when I get so "buzzy" I can't stand it. Doctors just don't seem to understand how horrible it is to be so anxious you can't concentrate because your mind is just too full and won't stop 'thinking'. All I can think of right now is how am I going to get my hands on anxiety meds??????
It seems ridiculous for a 47 yr old lady to be wandering the streets looking to find someone who looks like they might have a pharmacy under their jacket. But thats how desperate I am feeling. I think on top of my depression my anxiety is getting out of control or I wouldn't be thinking these ludacrous thoughts of "I must find meds ~ anywhere!"
The only good thing to come out of it all is that she is calling the Tr***s Mental Health Services herself to ask them to please get me in asap rather than two and a half MONTHS from now. I won't hold my breath but I am pleased that I finally got through to someone that I just can't take this depression and anxiety anymore and need help.
Time will tell how soon I get it,....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Discouraged for having to wait so long

I got a message from Tr****s, a Guelph-area mental health service, last week to give them a call to do a 20 minute intake. I did that today. My new family doctor had put in a "semi-urgent" referral for me to see a psychiatrist but this place is what is calling me so I'm a little bit confused. . I thought the referral was to an actual psychiatrist.  Anyway, she asked me general questions about my past mental health history and whats going on right now. She then made me an appointment for AUGUST 30th.  Seriously??? My doctor told them it was a "semi-urgent" referral. I told her how depressed I've been and how I'm not functioning anymore and yes I'm having suicidal thoughts but not urges (Yes, I lied about the urges as I don't want to go into the hospital) So I'm not sure what this place refers to as 'normal' 'semi-urgent' or 'urgent'. But for someone who has admitted to suicidal thoughts I would have thought they'd be concerned enough to get an appointment in less time than 2 and a half MONTHS. I'm really disappointed with this appointment being so far away. Anyway,.. I then asked her which psychiatrist I would be going to see and she then told me this wasn't for a psychiatrist. She said my app't would be with a "mental health worker" ??? What is that? Are they even a qualified doctor of any kind? I didn't ask. I didnt' think to until I got home and wondered about it. She said this person will speak with me and access me and then recommend any further treatments I should need. When I asked about psychiatrists she then said that there is a long wait for psychiatrists in my area. Now I know I should have been more on the ball and asked her questions while I had her on the phone but I didn't. So now I'm not sure if she meant I'm now on a list for a psychiatrist or if they even refer the patients to psychiatrists in the first place. I'm getting the feeling that this place recommends support in the community like support groups, etc,...
I don't know. I really am quite confused.
I had someone comment on this blog once that they live in Ontario and her and a few other family members have had great mental health care. I believe her. And that's why I'm wondering why I always seem to fall through the cracks in my care. How are all these other people in Ontario getting to see psychiatrists right away? The only thing I can think of is they are going private. I cannot afford to go private as I have no health coverage at all except OHIP. So I have to wait on a list of psychiatrists that are covered by OHIP.
I am quite discouraged right now.
I think the only way I am going to get any immediate care is if I am in crisis and brought to an emergency ward by ambulance. I certainly don't want THAT to happen. But I don't see why I have to wait until the fall to get any kind of support or care.
And then when I do attempt to OD people always ask why I did it. Well maybe it's because I needed help immediately but I was told I had to wait 2 and a half months ~ and that was just for the assessment where they would evaluate me and then recommend care. So there will be even more waiting after that appointment. It could be September or even October before I finally GET any actual help.
Now I'm not saying I'm special and deserve any special treatment. I'm just wondering why I seem to have to wait all the time on lists when other people from Ontario get in touch with me and tell me their care was much better. I'm only asking to be given the same opportunities as everyone else. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I am feeling quite disheartened tonight. I feel over-looked and like no one really cares if I get any professional help or not. I am definitely feeling like a "number lost in the system" right now. I expected more. But right now, I'm too tired and depressed to fight for anything. Right now having a shower is like climbing a mountain. Fighting the system is just way too overwhelming to think about let alone try.
I'm just too unwell.  ~ sigh,....

Sunday, June 19, 2011

unravelling?

I am going downhill. My mood is going down. My motivation is non-existent. This depression has now paralyzed me. I am rotting away in my apartment. I am stuck. I can't move forward. I can't move at all. I am just sitting in this apartment rotting away.

Friday, June 17, 2011

numb and flat

Feeling bad today. I knew the moment I woke up is wasn't going to go well. I was suppose to go to my sister-in-laws fathers funeral today but didn't. I just wasn't up to it. I feel so fragile mentally that I knew I just couldn't face a crowd of people I didn't know. (The only people I would know would be busy and wouldn't be able to 'caudle' me) I as very sad and tearful. My depression all consuming. There was just no way i was going to be able to 'fake it' today. So I did what i absolutely didn't want to do. I called my brother and said I wasn't well and that I wouldn't be able to go. He seemed fine about it (But was he really?) I, on the other hand, was NOT fine about it. I was upset and disappointed in myself for being so weak and fragile.
But really,... there was no way I was ever going to cope with that stress today. I really wasn't up to it.
I wanted to take a bunch of seroquel to pass me out. Yes,... self medicate. Knock me out so I didn't have to be in the world for awhile. But I wasn't sure if my daughter was coming up to visit me or not. (The one that's been in the hospital) She said if she got out today then she would drive out here to visit with me Saturday. But I never heard from her. After finally phoning her Dad I found out she did get out of hospital but she wouldn't be coming out to visit with me. My heart fell. I guess I hadn't realized how much I was hoping she would. The disappointment made me want to self-harm. But I didn't. Instead I spent the day on the couch watching show after show after show. Mindlessly doing nothing. My mind sad and depressed and flat.
I want to disintegrate into nothing.
I just don't want to be here anymore.
Right now it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm still awake. Once I post this I am going to try to get some sleep. But I don't look forward to tomorrow. Or any other day for that matter. It's just going to be another day of hating myself. Feeling worthless. Feeling depressed. feeling alone. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I want to, but I didn't,...

Today was really really hard. I went to see my daughter in the psych ward. I didn't realize how hard that was going to be for me. I was so intent on just getting there so I could see my daughter that I forgot about all the times that I had been in there myself and the horrible memories that entailed. It was quite unnerving. While I sat there talking to her in the common area, I found myself quite anxious and agitated and every fibre of my being just wanted to get up and run out. To check that I wasn't locked in and that I could leave at any time because I was the visitor and not the patient. But I put all that aside so I could be there for my daughter.
The good news is she wasn't mad at me and we had a good talk. It would have killed me if she wouldn't have seen me. But thank God she did and it looks as if things are good between us once again. Of course nothing was mentioned about the car repair money or the email my ex sent me as it obviously wasn't the time or place to get into all that. Instead she told me how shes been feeling the past few weeks and how she actually told her Dad to bring her to hospital because she wasn't feeling safe. We talked about her diagnoses she was given (alcohol/drug use ~ bipolar ~ depression and anorexic tendencies) She is ME when I was her age! I was exactly the same as her when I was 20. That really bothered me. It just reminded me that I am the one who has given her the "mentally unwell" gene. I know in my head it isnt' really my fault. But in my heart I feel really, really guilty.
She asked how I was doing and I didn't lie. I told her I have been feeling fragile over the past few weeks and I should probably be in hospital right along side her but I refuse to be honest with my doctor as I can't go into hospital. I live alone and theres no one to look after things if I go into hospital for a few weeks. I need to pay bills, feed my cat,.... Yes, they are real problems but we all know the real reason is I just can't bear to be "LOCKED UP"  Just typing the words gives me a chill up my spine. Being in a locked ward totally freaks me out. So I will do anything not to be admitted.
Anyway,... (starting to ramble on a bit there)
I am still feeling fragile and anxious and depressed. When I finally got home all I wanted to do was self-harm and self medicate. I wanted to take so many pills that it would have knocked me out for a week so I could just leave my mind. I wanted to take so many pills I may never wake up at all.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I have a sick daughter in hospital in crisis herself. I need to be there for her. I have a sister-in-law who's father just died yesterday so I have to attend that funeral on Friday. In other words, I have to be sober and conscious to meet my responsibilities this week.
But it was soooooooo hard! I just want to feel that soft and fuzzy world where everything slowly gets hazy and my mind finally stops going round and round. I want to drift off into a land of nothingness. To feel no more pain or stress or anxiety,.... To just not feel at all,....
But I won't. As much as my body is crying out to self harm (cut) and numb my brain,... I won't.
It's going to be a really long night,....

Monday, June 13, 2011

I feel like I'm falling apart

I felt really overwhelmed and anxious and depressed last night after having spent the day at my cousins shower. I hadn't been in a social situation in quite some time so i found it quite difficult. By the time i got back home I was feeling really sad and depressed. So i gave in to my BPD impulses and self-medicated with double my seroquel dose as well as wine, lorazapam and a beer. So i pretty much expected that I wouldn't wake up until later afternoon today. That was the intended goal. To sleep as long as I could so i didn't have to feel.
At 6:30am I heard my phone beep. My sister-in-law was texting me to say that her father had just passed away a few hours previously. I acknowledged that message thinking once I wake up I'll call her. Because I had self-medicated the night before I was feeling very groggy and couldn't keep my eyes open. I actually just dropped the phone in my bed & went right back to sleep.
I didn't wake up until 2 this afternoon. I didn't call my sister-in-law or brother right away as I was really feeling groggy. So i thought I would have a coffee first and check my email. I got another shock when i opened my email to find my ex husband had emailed to say that our eldest daughter M*******, the one I had just had the falling out with, had just been admitted into hospital for her mental health issues. OMG,... I felt sooooooo guilty. I know if I had never asked her for the car repair money or wrote her that email saying I was disappointed that she felt I hadn't put much effort into our relationship (and then detailed dozens of reasons why I HAD put her first over a lot of other things) then she probably wouldn't have gotten to the stage of needing to go into hospital. This really did push me over the edge. I felt horrible and guilty. I just broke down and cried. I just can't help thinking that I ruin peoples lives. If you have anything to do with me then eventually I will ruin your life,....
I called my ex but it was his answering machine. (No doubt he's having a field day blaming me for all of this) so i called the hospital directly and after a lot of line-directing I finally got through to M******* and asked if I could come to see her tomorrow. She said that would be okay. She sounded so,... small. So quiet and scared. It broke my heart.
But I have to be honest. I'm not coping with any of this at all well. My first urge was to take an overdose of medication so I could sleep for a week and not have to deal with all this. I'm so over-whelmed right now. My anxiety level is through the roof. I can't stop crying. I feel terribly guilty.
But I won't take anything. Because I know that tomorrow I have to drive back into Newmarket (where I was yesterday for the bridal shower) 2 hours there and 2 hours back. I know I have to appear strong for M*******. But inside,... I'm falling apart.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

finally,... this day is overwith

Well, my day went about as well as I thought it was going to. I could tell just by the awful sadness and depression I was feeling that it was going to be difficult to make it through.
I drove to Newmarket (Ont.) and went to my Aunts first to help her bring stuff to the shower. I haven't seen this Aunt in a while and I should have been thrilled to see her as we are very close. But I just couldn't muster up the energy. I don't think she actually noticed as she was running around trying to get all the food packed in our 2 cars to take to the shower. (It was her daughters shower - my cousin).
Honestly I really did try my best. I pasted on that oh-so-phony smile and greeted a whole bunch of people I don't know (Can you say anxiety???) and some I did. Luckily for me, women in general are talkative creatures so my silence didn't seem to even be noticed above all the chatter going on around me.
I did enjoy seeing my cousin and I was really happy for her. But as I said, I just couldn't find any emotion today above flat. If I wasn't driving so damn far I would have downed a couple of cocktails. But, medication AND alcohol was probably not the best idea so I stuck to the soft stuff.
Normally I would have stuck around to the very end but before the first hour was even up I found myself fighting back tears. My cousin looked so happy,... My Aunt looked so happy,.... all those damn happy lives,... I think I was just so envious. I don't mean I was jealous of them. Because i wasn't. Both of them work really hard and they deserve a happy life. I think it more that I felt it was "in my face". Look,.. look how happy other people are. Why can't you be happy? Why do you have to be so damn miserable all the time? I just felt like sobbing.
On the way home I did cry. I just couldn't hold it in. I cried for my sorry state of a life that I don't think I will ever be happy in. Too many money problems. Too many mental health issues. And then of course theres also the fact that my eldest daughter has now "ousted" me from her life. I mean,... I don't have many people in my life to begin with. My Aunt,... cousin,.... and my two daughters,... and sometimes my brother and his wife (when they're feeling up to dealing with me). And now I've lost one. That just hurt so much. So i think I'm just being overwhelmed with all the sadness and depression and loss.
Oh hell,... I think I have moaned on enough tonight. I think I'm going to take a double dose of seroquel with a smidgen of red wine and maybe even a sprinkle of lorazapam. My illness is screaming at me to escape my mind by self-medicating. And even though normally I don't give in to these urges, tonight I am saying to hell with it. I might even have a beer on top of it all.
Please let tomorrow be brighter,....

How am I possibly going to pull off "Normal" today

This is different. 8:46am on a Sunday morning and I am up. I have to be. My cousins bridal shower is this afternoon and I pretty much have to be there. It's close family so they would have been hurt if I had made an excuse and said I couldn't come.
But they live 2 hours away. My extremely small budget is going to be all used up just on gas alone. Worried now what I'm going to eat for the rest of the month as I have nothing left over for groceries. I've tried explaining my poverty existence to people (By that I mean family - don't just go shouting it around to anyone) but they don't get it. When you have money for all the stuff you need to exist then you don't understand what it's like when you don't have enough money to get by each month. So even though I really like this cousin I'm going to the shower for, I am feeling quite resentful (to who? Not sure. Life in general??) that going is causing me to use up my whole monthly budget when I still have 2 weeks left to live on this month.
I HATE LIVING IN THIS FUCKING POVERTY! Completely sick of it.
Anyway,... went off on a bit of an unexpected rant there. Sorry but I'm just so worried about money and this shower has eaten up my whole monthly budget.
I have been having trouble sleeping again in the past few days. I have been resorting to taking seroquel, lorazapam, a glass of red wine and then one meletonin. Last night I took all that around 8 in the evening and then tried to have an early night as I knew I would be doing four hours of driving today and need to be alert and awake. But sleep didn't come easy as I had hoped. In fact it was well after midnight before I finally relaxed enough and shut my brain off enough to fall asleep. And of course we all know what happened this morning. My alarm went off at 8,... I got out of bed and had coffee,... but I'm still really tired. I have the dreaded Seroquel hangover which has me feeling like I've been shot by an elephant tranquillizer. I have to DRIVE in 2 hours. How can anyone drive when they feel like they've had 6 drinks??
So now I'm panicking a bit. I'm going to have a nice long shower (blast some cold water near the end to shock me awake) and then go for a small walk if I have to.
But here's the illness talking. In the back of my mind I can't help thinking "so what if your too impaired to drive,... drive anyway and maybe you'll crash into a deep ditch,.. or a telephone poll,... or into a lake or river,... Wouldn't that just be a real convenient thing to happen to someone who is so sad & depressed and can't even afford to exist in this life"  Finally a sweet and precious end to this whole fucked up life I lead.
Of course I won't let that happen. For one ~ I would be way too worried someone else would get hurt instead and two ~ I am just way too chicken. I don't think I could ever bring myself to cause such pain and recklessness on purpose~ Sigh ~
So no worrying here people. I know I won't do it.
But the thought of trying to make it through this day "pretending" to be normal and well is already sending my anxiety level sky high. I don't do much socializing at all. In fact the last place I went out to where there was more than just my immediate family was my mothers funeral on April 7th. So this bridal shower has me freaked. Will i remember how to be normal?
Anyway, you can probably hear the Seroquel Hangover in all of this blog entry. It seems to be scattered thoughts and nothing really making a lot of sense. My mind is just too foggy right now.
So I'm not going to write anymore today.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Feeling rather "Buzzy" tonight

I didn't wake up until 1:30pm today. It's the medication. And of course I spent what time I was awake under the influence of "The Seroquel Hangover". In fact,.. It's now just after 10pm and I'm still in a hazy foggy state.
But along with this is something I don't understand. I'm (what I like to refer to as,...) "Buzzy". It's the state where I can't settle. I try to watch TV but before I even realize it I'm up and doing something else. I try going on the computer,... or reading,... but I just can't concentrate and bounce around from one thing to the next not really accomplishing or doing anything. Is this anxiety? I have been diagnosed with anxiety but because my depression was always so much worse I kind of just brushed the anxiety under the carpet. Now I'm wondering what exactly it is and what are the symptoms. I'm sort of confused to because I find depression and anxiety together a bit of an oxy-moron. How can you be both? But I seem to be suffering from both tonight. Really depressed but also "buzzy".
I think I will do tonight what I had to do last night. One lorazapam,... One seroquel (400mg) and one glass of wine. That seems to shut the mind down enough for me relax a bit. And speaking of the mind,... Why won't it shut down? I try so hard to relax but my mind just spins round and round.  I can never sleep when I'm like this. (Hence the need for sedating,...)
~ sigh ~ 
Why can't I just be flippin normal????? Even I'm fed up of me right now.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Just can't pull myself together

Last night I was so upset and couldn't calm down. So I took double my Seroquel dose (400mg) one lorazapam and then a glass of red wine. It definitely helped my body to relax. But problem with that is I went to bed early (9'ish) but because of the seroquel I didn't wake up until early this afternoon. I'm still feeling groggy and drugged 2 hours later.
But at least I'm not feeling so overwhelmed and full of anxiety that I was last night. Right now I feel quite flat. Blah,... unemotional. Probably the seroquel hangover.
But I know once that wears off I will be back to those awful feelings of self-harm and self-loathing thoughts. I'm in a bad place right now.
I wished I could just be normal. ~ sigh ~ 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

having a melt down,... must relax!!

I got a nasty email from my ex this afternoon basically saying I had  lot of nerve asking my own daughter for money. He made me feel like shit! He said my daughter is struggling a lot right now with her mental illness and basically I should have respected that.  Umm,.. I have a mental illness! I am struggling too,.... But no one has validated my illness ~ ever!! I've just been labeled as lazy and a drama queen and a faker,...
He also said that my daughter feels I haven't put much effort into our relationship and the I favor my other daughter (her younger sister). What??? I'm shocked. I won't go into a whole big list of why this isn't true,... So I'll just say that in my opinion I have bent over backwards trying to get her to visit with me but shes always busy. But I have tried! I mean, seriously,... I have tried! And it really hurts that she feels like I haven't. I don't understand any of this at all.
So I just wrote my daughter an email explaining exactly how I feel. Clicked the send button only 5 minutes ago. I'm already obsessing and totally riddled with anxiety. I am crying,... I am pacing back and forth. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm just so upset about all of this.
I don't handle stress and conflict well at all. In fact it usually sends me into a tail spin of self-hatred and guilt. (which is exactly what is happening now) I'm beside myself.  I wished I could be like normal people and take an issue and look at it rationally and form an opinion, take steps to fix it and then move on. But I can't. I get stuck in the issue and then I go over and over it in my head doing the "should have's"  I should have said this,... I should have done that,.... and I totally obsess about it until I am ill.
I know I need to calm down. I now I need to relax because then I deal with it rationally. But I find this so hard to do.
So i am going to take one lorazapam,.... maybe even have one glass of wine and sit and watch TV. Force myself to stay there and relax. Maybe then this overwhelming feeling of wanting to self-harm will subside. After all,... nothing I do will change the situation. I have to just calm down and relax. Stop crying,..... stop pacing,... stop obsessing,...
RELAX,.... deep breathes,... whew,....
OK, I think writing this blog entry has helped.
God, I hate being mentally ill. Everything is such a huge issue

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Big trigger

I had an incident that has triggered me back to a place of self-hate and despondence.
Backing up, it all started 3 yrs ago when I lived with my teenage daughter. I found a big hole in my front bumper of my car when I came out of work one day. Had someone hit me and run? I hadn't noticed it before but it was snowing heavily the past few days so I could have missed it having snow covering it. Anyway, I have a $1,000.00 deductable for my insurance policy and there was no way I could afford that so I just left it. Over time that hole grew and grew so that now it's a huge hole.
Over the years since then I had a meltdown and OD'd,.. lost my job and my house and eventually moved around and put the car problem behind me. It was the least of my worries. My daughter moved in with her Dad so I didn't see much of her.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Over time my daughter finally admit to me that it was her who damaged my car. She was driving into the garage and drove right into the wall by mistake but she didn't want to tell me because this was her 3rd accident on my car in less than a year. I had paid the $1,000.00 deductable on the past 2 accidents even though I wasn't anywhere near my car for the accidents and they were her fault. She was only 17 and in high school and didn't have that kind of money. So I put it down to bad luck and paid the cost to repair my car.
As you all know, my Mom passed away April 4th. When she did she divided her inheritance up 9 ways. To her 3 kids (Me & my 2 brothers) and all the grandchildren (each of us have 2 kids) so we all got $19,000.00.  Sounds like a fortune right? Mine was gone in less than 3 days as I paid off 3 yrs of Income Tax debt and credit card debt and used it all up and still have more debt left. (I told you all I was in a terrible financial situation ~ I really am in a dark financial hole right now) I live on $53.00 a week ~ for everything. Food, gas, car repairs, clothes,... so basically that's living below the poverty line so I often have to use the food bank.
Anyway, getting back to my story,... I got pulled over by the police yesterday and was told I can't drive around with a bloody great hole in my car and I have 6 weeks to get it repaired. Well i don't even have close to $1,000.00 that I will need for my insurance deductable. In short,... I can't get it repaired as I just don't have the money. End of.
So i messaged my daughter and asked her if she would pay for it. After all it was her who actually damaged the car (and then took 2 yrs to tell me) She had already had 2 other accidents costing me $2,000.00 back then to fix. And she has just got this $19,000.00 inheritance from my Mother as well. I felt terrible asking her. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do. Was I being unreasonable? Did i have a lot of nerve asking my 20 yr old daughter for $1,000.00? Did this make me a bad mother/person?
Anyway this morning I woke up to a very short email from her saying "All my money is for school"
Obviously she is pissed off. The message was short and to the point. No "sorry i can't,...." of "wished I could help but not in a position to,..."  Instead just a short  "All my money is for school"
The mental illness in me right away had me start to cry. I knew I shouldn't have even asked her in the first place (but really feel trapped over what to do) I have now gone into such a loathsome state of hating myself that I have all these destructive thoughts and urges in my head.
"What kind of mother asks her 20 year old daughter for $1,000.00??" That was so stupid of me. I hate myself for it. Now all I want to do is harm myself. It's a typical impulse for me. Whenever something goes wrong like this I blame myself,... then hate myself for it,.. and then want to punish myself,....
Please don't worry,.. I won't harm myself. I'm just expressing that every fibre in my body is screaming out that I don't deserve to live or be happy or liked or have a nice life. My head is swimming with thoughts of being a horrible person who deserves to live a horrible life. I want to cut,... to take too many pills,... to drive into oncoming traffic,.... But I won't.
But right now I feel so alone. I just hate myself and have crawled right back into my dreaded "Black Fog" of depression.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I seem to be all over the place emotionally

I have been struggling a lot with being quite depressed but I am fighting hard against it. Forcing myself to do things when it's the last thing I feel like doing. But my daughter came here for the weekend so I really pushed myself to be "normal". It was a struggle but I think I managed to fake it enough that people thought I actually was "normal". My brother and sister-in-law came over Sunday and my brother put in my window air conditioner unit and my sister-in-law did my 2010 income taxes for me. Turns out I only owe $1,991.59! That fucking depressed me so much I wanted to jump off a bridge. And I'm not being sarcastic,... I really did want to jump off of a bridge. I'm so sick of financial problems and all my debt! But because my daughter and my brother and sister-in-law were with me and they were all so cheerful and happy and helpful to me I just sucked it up and pretended "whatever,... I can pay it,...no big deal,..." (Huh, if they only knew this is just the last fucking straw!!) But, I forced myself to put it out of my mind and concentrated on trying to be "normal"

I can't tell you how I'm doing right now because I don't know. Some days I think "Yeah,... I'm trying so hard and I'm really beating this bloody 'Black Fog" and feel better about myself because of it. But then things like yesterday happen and i just tank. I literally plummet into despair. This tax debt has made me do a 180 and today I feel totally depressed and feel like I have no future at all except debt and money problems. I am fighting this feeling though and I did go on an hours walk but even after that I still feel shit. My emotions are all over the place. One hour I'm thinking don't worry about money ~ it's only money and life goes on,... but the next hour I'm thinking I'm sick of the debt and living in poverty and just can't do it anymore.

Why are my emotions so erratic? And why can I handle life's problems some days but totally feel despondent the next? It's really tiring living this way. I know I am weak and I don't handle stress at all and I just fall apart trying to deal with life's issues. But WHY am I so weak? Why can't I just be like everybody else and have a healthy brain and live a normal life where thoughts of jumping off of bridges never even enters my mind? Maybe I'm just having a bad day,... Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and think what was the big deal and why was I freaking out and having a total anxiety melt-down,.... But that's the problem. I never know what tomorrow will bring for me. I can't seem to control what my emotions will do and how I'll feel from day to day ( hell,... make that hour to hour,...)

Sorry folks. I'm definitely rambling. I guess I just needed to get that all out,..... I have to admit I don't feel any better for it but it's out. Spewed like written vomit.

Does anyone ever get completely well of mental illness??