Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Numb

Just one of those days that I'm paralyzed with this damn sadness and numbness. Really can't think of anything to write about. Don't have the energy to write it even if I had. ~ sigh ~

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Just so sick of it all

Haven't been on here as much as I used to. A lot of my favorite blogs seem to have disappeared over to word press and i can't find them. Feeling kind of disconnected from this whole group of friends. I miss them. Where is everyone?
I'm still in this hell-hole of an apt but I found another one to move into mid-May. But truthfully, it's actually not much better than this one. (except it has heat and locks!! that's better) I'm feeling really down and depressed about it all. I don't want to be in this basement apartment anymore. (for all the reasons I've been complaining about on here) but I'm not excited about moving to the next one because its still scraping the barrel. Truth is, that's all I can afford. This damn mental illness has robbed me of the ability to hold down a job,... to socialize like a normal person,... to be stable in anything I do. I'm a mess. I have moved over 25 times in my adult life (I'm 47 now) and have had over 2o jobs. Nothing lasts. I was married but couldn't keep my husband. We're now divorced and he's happily re-married to a stable "normal" woman now. Bet he's happy he got rid of me. I can't seem to sustain any relationship. Boyfriends, friends, family,.... Is that the BPD or just being so messed up with my depression and bipolar? Either way I have fallen to an all-time low. Every year I sink lower. Get poorer,... move to worse apt's,.... I can't believe that this is me and this is where I have ended up. I'm really tired of it all now. I keep struggling but I just sink lower. And I just don't have it in me to keep struggling anymore.
I want to end it all. But I don't have the medications that would help me with that. But I think about it all the time. The thoughts are there every single day. I wished people didn't think of suicide as a horrible, bad, taboo thing. Because right now it would just be a blessed relief to me. I would finally be out of this depression and poverty situation. Why can't people understand that suicide would be an end to all of this. It's not like I've only been ill for a while. I have been mentally ill my whole adult life. Years, and years and endless years of it. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I wished someone would just see suicide as a good thing for me and help.
But as it stand now,... I don't have the means to go through with it. No medication,... no gun,.... and I'm not brave enough for jumping or trains,.... Instead I sit here in this sad limbo of nothingness.
Every morning I wake up, I feel disappointed I'm still here. But I can't kill myself. So I just trudge on and on and on,..... I wished someone understood this. I mean REALLY understood this. It's torture
(Don't worry, I won't be trying to kill myself,... just trying to articulate how low I'm feeling and longing for relief)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Too much

I just can't explain to you how flat and depressed and sad I feel right now.
I finally found a flat to move into. But it's anything but the Taj Mahal. For anyone following this blog you will know that I have to get out of this apartment that I am in right now. I moved in here 3 weeks ago but learned quickly I had been conned. No heat,... no locks,... no keys,... no garbage disposal (Have to bring my garbage into town and dispose of in city rubbish bin!!! - really!) No working bathtub. Had no fridge for 2 weeks,... the list goes on. But right now the big issue is the no heat. I am using 3 portable heaters to heat this whole flat and they're all on extension cords so I'm feeling like I'm living in a fire-trap right now.
And today,... the landlord just walked in to my flat. Just WALKED IN!  He came in through the connecting door between my apartment and their house. He said he momentarily forgot I was here and came in to use the bathroom. He just said "ooops" and laughed. I didn't find it the least bit funny.
Anyway, I found a new apartment but it's about an hour from here. (so that means an hours drive from my daughters) I just couldn't find anything I could afford in this area. So I'm moving to Fergus. My brother and his family live there and my ailing mother is in a retirement home there. (or was - will get into that later)
It's very small. And REALLY disgustingly dirty. The bathroom was like something you would see on "The Secret Millionaire" when the undercover millionaire looks around his new temporary slum of a flat. The toilet wasn't flushed (hope it actually works!!) and had a thick brown stain covering the whole bowl. Don't think it has ever been cleaned. The bathtub was grimy and needs to be re-caulked. I don't remember what the taps were like but hopefully they worked alright.
I know all my furniture will not fit in there. It's about half the size of my old flat so once again I will be having to get rid of more of my stuff. probably a lot of my stuff.
But it has heat and locks on the door that only I have keys to. And it's a LEGAL apartment meaning the landlord will have to do as the law says. This temporary flat I was conned into and am living in right now is not legal so it's not fit to be lived in and no one is checking it. My only hold over my dick of a landlord is that I can go to the authorities at anytime and let them know he is renting an illegal - unsafe apartment.
So, even though I have found a new apt I am anything but excited to move into it. It's a pokey dump of a place. I'm feeling so defeated and discouraged and frustrated with all of this going on. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me.
How did I fall so low??? How did my life get this far into poverty??
And I just got a message from my sister-in-law saying that my mother has officially been asked to leave the retirement home she moved into last October. She isn't nearly as physically ill as she makes out to be (we made sure of that by all the doctors she sees so we wouldn't be getting upset with her for something she can't help) They said she is fully able to take care of herself, use the bathroom herself, dress herself, feed herself,.... but she is refusing to saying she is way too ill. (again - Doctors all agree she is not that ill) The retirement home she is in is for 'able-bodied' seniors who need light help. My Mom won't even feed herself. Won't get out of bed. Demands everyone do everything for her. So the retirement home has called saying we need to remove her as she is too demanding and in their politically correct way has said she is basically a pain in the ass that they don't have the resources or time for catering too. So now, we have no idea what to do with her. She is on a waiting list for a nursing home but no one has any idea how long that will take.  It's such a worry and too much stress for me to deal with right now.
Just last week I contemplated ending it all. Wanted to take an overdose but at the last minute I couldn't do it. But those thoughts and urges have not gone away. I just struggle to not act on them.
Right now I am so exhausted and stressed and just can't cope with anything. My mind is shutting down. My body just wants to lay in bed and sleep. I can barely force myself to have a shower everyday. The only accomplishment in my day. I just don't want to struggle on anymore. Dead ~ Flat ~ Soul-less,..... I pray every night for God to strike me dead in my sleep and finally give me relief from this 'nothingness' hell I can't seem to get out of.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

flat

Flat. Empty. Sad. Just don't see the point anymore. Everyday is a struggle and I'm just too tired to keep fighting. Everything is going so wrong. :-(

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Nothing left in me

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It is usually my favorite day of the year.
But today I am so depressed I can't function. It's 8 degrees outside which is the warmest day we've had since last fall. Usually I would be up and out enjoying it but today I could care less. I just want to lie on the couch and cry.
My life is a mess. This move has been nothing but a disaster from the day I arrived. And for the past 2 weeks I have been fighting all the issues that have come my way. But I just can't fight anymore. I've been looking for another apartment but I can't afford anything that I see. And I don't have any money to actually move if I even found something. I'm discouraged. I'm not even frustrated anymore as that would actually show some emotion. Right now, I have no emotion. I'm flat,... totally depressed,... beyond caring anymore,... I'm just a heap of sadness on the couch.
I don't have anything left in me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

just want to disappear

This is all just too hard. Too over-whelming. Too exhausting. Too difficult.
I can't do it all over again. I just can't.
I was barely hanging on during the first move. But being forced to move again is just too much for me.
I can't cope with this.
I just want to end it all. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Please God,....
Help me to go to sleep and never wake up to this cruel world again.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Just walked away from this horrible apartment. I walked into the golf course across the street. It's just after midnight and theres an almost full moon that is lighting the way for me. The snow is hard and crunches beneath my feet. I live in the country so it's very quiet and peaceful and dark and lonely.  I brought a bottle of seroquel and a bottle of larazapam and found an old tractor. I climbed up into the seat and sat there shivering in the cold. It was really, really cold. I had brought water with me. i wanted to swallow all the pills I had brought with me. But I was so cold. And so lonely. It was really dark and lonely out there. My fingers and toes were numb. If I had found the courage to just take all those pills I would have slipped into uncounsciousness and froze to death by morning.
But I couldn't do it. I sat there for a very long time. I even took the pills out. But I couldn't take them.
It was so very cold.
And really, really quiet and lonely. My heart broken I sat and wondered how my life has gotten so bad.
I am numb right now. Numb from the cold and numb from the exhaustion of my life.
I guess I'll live another day.  ~  sigh  ~  Not that I want to. I'm just too stupid to go through with ending it.
I hate my life
"Beware the Ides of March"
I am so sick of everything being a struggle in my life. Having no money,... being mentally ill,.... this move has pretty much done me in,..... don't have anything left in me anymore.
I can't cope with all this shit in my life right now.
I'm done.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I don't know what to do and I'm so stressed

OMG! i can't sleep. I am stressing so much over this move. I HATE this apartment and I NEED to get out of here. If the landlord gives me half my money back and moves me I am soooooooo close to getting out of here. But I just can't find the other half of the money. I'm not coping with this at all. I just can't take any more.
And when he says "his guys" will move me to my new place, what exactly does THAT mean?? Can i trust these people? Is he going to be so mad at me that he doesnt' care if my stuff gets moved badly and stuff gets broken? I mean there's just so much going through my mind right now.

I know if I stay I am going to be so miserable and my depression is going to get so much worse. I really worry about this being the last straw and if I can't get out of here I will just end it all. There's no way I can stay in this dump. It will be the end for me. I am at my wits end and I just can't take any more.

But if I CAN move (by some absolute miracle) how am I going to pack this place up and I worry about WHO these "guys" are that will move me. It's going to be a nightmare. Anyone reading this blog knows this move has already taken a huge toll on me mentally. I really, really can't take anymore.

Either way,.... what ever happens,.. It's going to be a nightmare and I'm really concerned that I just won't be able to cope with any of it. I'm already struggling with this horrible depression. any more stress and I know it will be a complete break down for me.

I should never have moved in the first place. This whole thing has just ruined me financially. Wiped me out and now needs more money I don't have. I'm starting to wonder why I bother as I will never pay off the debt I've created. Why am I bothering?????? Everything in my life goes wrong. And at 47 I have been struggling with shit for years now. I'm tired. I'm really, really tired and fed up and frustrated and depressed.

I need help but theres no one who can help me. people can advise me what to do but they're not going to lend me the money to do it are they? People always say they will help but no one ever materializes when the help is actually needed. I know because this last move I did completely on my own even though everyone said they would pitch in and help. When i physically needed them they were all "busy". And there is NO WAY I can pack up this whole place again in just a week all by myself. I soooooo need help.  ~ sigh ~

What do I do?

Never under-estimate a woman before coffee!

Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I got half of what I wanted anyway,….
It started first thing this morning. after a noisy night of not sleeping (what the hell do they DO up there????) I was awoken by the delivery guys bringing my fridge. (yeah – kinda). The landlords wife was with them. I had just woken up and hadn’t even started the fire (so was freezing) but worst,… hadn’t had my coffee. A fate worse than death. The guys delivered the fridge but its in pieces (needs the handles attached, step plate, etc,…) and also needs to be hooked up to a water source or something. Who knew? I thought you just plugged the damn thing in. So right now it is sitting in the middle of my kitchen not put together and unplugged. Landlord said he’d sort it this evening. It’s only 5:45pm so I’m still optimisit it might get done TODAY! woohoo!!
But this ol gal has been through a lot in the past few weeks and this morning I was not in a good mood. So when the delivery guys left I asked the landlords wife (who is very sweet by the way) if I could talk to her. Shes mousier than me and looked terrified as I guess I’m not that pretty first thing in the morning and the look on my face was probably kinda stormy. I did not raise my voice and I remained completely calm but boy did I let her have it. Actually feel kinda sorry for her right now as none of this is her fault. She listened with a look of terror and then scurried on upstairs to get “The Landlord”. When he came down I started all over again. I basically said I felt that I was mislead in what I was getting here in said basement apartment. Case in point,… the heating. I was factual and didn’t even get emotional which is not easy for me. I told him if i had the money I would be re-packing and leaving just as fast as Icould find another place. But unfortunately I had no money to do that. I scared him a little saying my brother was upset I was living in such conditions and wanted to “phone some people” but that I had told him to hold off. That certainly got his attention. This apartment is not a legal apartment which means he doesn’t have to claim income on it for taxes and therefore its was never inspected by the city to make sure it was all honky-dory for renting. By “phoning some people” the whistle would be blown on him and who knows what merky mud would be stirred by that. So he has said he will give me my last months rent back plus he would get “his” guys to move me at his expense if I wanted to move out. RESULT! (well kinda) I would still need money for the first months rent on another apt which I don’t even almost have. Oh hell,… you could turn my purse upside down and nothing would fall out – there would be a lonely sound of crickets chirping in there,….. So in the end,… it still doesn’t resolve my problem.I still can’t afford to move out.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to leave here. (I can already hear the door slaming on my way out,….)  But I’m about a thousand smack-a-roos short of making that a reality. And then there’s the actual packing everything up again. That was a LOT of work and right now I am exhausted. The fibromyalgia which I have tried to ignore has been a big issue the past month and I just don’t know if I have it in me to do even more physical work. I did look on the internet this morning at apartments and really there isn’t a lot out there. I would definitely NEVER go for a basement apartment again. So it would have to be a (legal) apt in a building or converted home. The thought of even looking for a new place exhausts me already. I wished I had little fairies that would just step in right now and say “not to worry – We’ll do it all for you,….” but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. (although St. Patrick’s Day is around the corner so leprechauns maybe???)
Oh so close but yet so far,…. I’ve been stressing about what to do all day. I really do want to just pack up and get out but realistically I just don’t think I can swing it. Even with the landlords offer of one months rent given back. what to do,… what to do,… what to do,…..  The thoughts won’t stop swirling around up there in my head. It’s like there saying “go for it,… this is your chance to leave,….” but my wallet is saying “hold on there cookie,.. have you looked inside me lately? you got nothin,…” I’m completely over-whelmed.
On my positive for the day,….. I scared the guy enough that he went out and bought some diesel and fired up the heat. Although he did say “I hope that lasts through the night for ya. The oil guy will come tomorrow to put more in,..”  And we’ve all heard the “he’ll be here tomorrow” story haven’t we? so still not holding my breath but I am going to be optimistic. For the time being anyway,…. I have heat. I haven’t felt my toes in nearly two weeks. Lovely.
Now if I can just get his butt down here to sort out my fridge,….. I’ll be nice though and I won’t complain about all the rest of the broken and unusable stuff. Well, at least not until the weekend.
I’m going to talk all this over with my brother G*** on Friday. Maybe he can see options I’m not seeing. Fingers crossed then,…..

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Arghhh,.....

Day 11 in my new apt and still no fridge. No washing machine. Still can’t use the bathtub.
Still furious that its heated by wood burning stove because in the mornings its FREEZING and I have to get out of bed and right away start a fire. Anyone who has a wood burning stove knows they are dirty – smoky (everything smells like smoke-especially my clothes) and there’s a layer of soot everywhere. I have already burnt myself and I have quite a few splinters from the damn wood. I HATE this way of heating the apt. It only keeps one room warm and only if the fire is on. I had a doctors apt today so left for 3 hours. Came home to a cold apt and had to start the fire all over again. I’m just so mad that he didn’t tell me up front this was the only source of heat. Because I did tell him I have a fear of fire and I wouldn’t be using the wood burning stove. He said ok and that maybe he would unhook it. He SHOULD have said “well your going to be pretty damn cold then cuz that’s the only source of heat in this home“. He DIDN’T so I feel very mislead.When I said I wasn’t going to be able to use the stove did he think I was just going to freeze?? It was MINUS 13 degrees last night.
There was a fridge in the apt when I looked at it – Ditto for the washing machine – but it wasn’t until I moved in I learned they didn’t work.(“But there going to be fixed!!! – Saturday now” he said)
The bathtub is a beautiful, huge jacuzzi-type soaker which he put a picture of up on Kijijij in the ad to sell the apt (and yes it sold me enough to come out and look at the apt) but he didn’t say there’s no plug for it (which is built-in) so you can’t actually use it. He did say the jacuzzi jets had been disconnected but that was fine with me. I have fibromyalgia and a hot bath in epsom salts is a must for me.
They are also really noisy! There are 6 adults up there. I’m sure they’re just going about normal life but with no sound-proofing between the floor/ceiling it sounds so loud. And with 4 teenagers you can imagine the fighting, horse-play and loudness there. Mornings are awful. 6 showers all before 8:00am. No sleep when all this is going on I can tell you.
My PVR on the TV isn’t working so I’m trying to get that fixed but it’s under the landlords name and its a pain to call bell because they won’t talk with me because my name isn’t on the actual account. so I’m trying to get the landlords to call Bell and get me added onto the account so I can call Bell and get this straitened out. The woman said she’d do that tomorrow. Ok, I’m ranting again,…. sorry, sorry, sorry,….. I am just so friggin upset.
My brother just called me but I couldn’t’ even talk to him because I was crying so hard. So I’m going to F***** on Friday to see him and he said I could do laundry there and he’d take me out for lunch and then we’d visit Mom and we’d try to sort things out. And an old friend from high-school (B***) that I had found on Facebook months ago is coming to visit me on Thursday as she has been reading this blog and knows how upset I am. I was blown away at her kindness of making the effort to drive all the way out here to visit me when she hasn’t even seen me in nearly 30 years!! Don’t ever under-estimate the power of kindness in people even when others seem to be the opposite.
But the bottom line is it can’t be sorted out unless I move out of here.  I’m just not happy here. AT ALL! But I put this move on my credit card as it is and there just isn’t another penny to be had. I need $3000.00 to move. (first & last months rent as well as the cost of the move) so I really am well and truly stuck.
And the worst part is I just take it! The landlord doesn’t even know how upset I am because I don’t say anything. So it’s my own damn fault for being such a pushover and that’s what upsets me the most. I just keep saying “OK” when he gives me excuses. I find him very misleading but I’m afraid to say that becasue I know he’ll just say he wasn’t and then I’ll back down and say ok then.
But I did tell him no finally about him “renting” my car. I was just so uncomfortable with that I told him on the weekend. I was actually so nervous and had to psyche myself up just to tell him. I’m so pathetic. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? People aren’t going to know I’m upset unless I say something. I try to but I chicken out and don’t. Anyone else would have said “No, these problems are taking too long to sort out – Do something about it today!” but not me. Arghhhh,……
I know this says more about myself than it does about a horrible apt I’m not happy in. And that makes me sad.
Oh,… and at my doctors app’t today. I was going because she was refusing to refer me to the “Mary McGill Mental Health Centre” here in Alliston where I could find all the help I need. A psychiatrist, counselling, etc,…  But she is still refusing. She wants me to see my old psychiatrist in Newmarket. I like Dr. P but Newmarket is so far away and Alliston is only a 10 minute drive from here. Plus the centre in Alliston offers so much more than just one psychiatrist visit every 6 – 7 weeks. Most times that acceptable but right now I am not doing that great mentally with all these issues and I could do with counselling, etc,… as well. So I’m disappointed and frustrated about that too. When it rains,.. it pours I guess,…..
I wished I could stop ranting on here but right now its my only outlet.
OK,… one of my new years resolutions was to always find one positive thing out of every day. Today I drove to Newmarket and the drive was gorgeous. The weather was sunny and the country lovely to look at. I am very thankful I am not in the city and I get to enjoy the country every day. The other positive thing is my brother was so concerned about me and cared so much and I have always thought he was mad at me for the past few years so we haven’t had a relationship. Now I know he cares. Which is soooooo important to me. And now I know I get to see him Friday and spend some time with him. :-)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Just don't see the point in it all anymore

It's only 10:47am & already I am sat here sobbing because I hate my life. The hospital just called to let me know that they received a referral from my old psychiatrist in St. Thomas where I just moved from. They are saying that this referral isnt' good enough. They need the referral to come from my GP here in my new town where I just moved. She is refusing to give me one because she says she hasnt' seen me for my mental health issues in over 2 years (How could i? I lived 3 and a half hours away for the past 2 yrs & couldn't find a GP there excepting new patients so had no GP except her and she was too far away) So I called the hospital back and they are out and out refusing until they get a referral from this GP who refuses to give me one. So i made an app't with her for tomorrow to see if we can resolve this. I mean seriously,.... I just don't get accepted for care because of paperwork?? Anyone reading this blog knows I am in a terrible place right now and just feel like jumping off the next bridge I see. I'm fed up. I hate my new apt. It's a dump and I got taken for a MAJOR ride by the landlord. (I STILL don't have a fridge even after a week and a half here and none of the other problems are sorted either) I wake up every morning and cry. I literally just sit on my couch, look around at the mess and just cry. I can't cope with it. And worse - I don't even want to anymore. I just want everything to go away. I want all my problems to just go away. I want this dive of a flat to just go away. I want ME to just go away & disappear. I HATE MY LIFE. I don't see a future anymore. I don't see this situation getting better. If I thought I was struggling mentally before the move?,..... I was wrong,... I'm paralyzed into depression and hopelessness now that I've made the move. I just don't see the point in coping anymore. It's not going to get better. I've never felt so trapped in all my life.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Can't deal with this anymore

Things have gone badly. This whole move was wrong. I feel like I've gone from the frying pan into the fire. I've been in this new apt for a week now. I still have no fridge. In fact, I'm not getting one now until next Wednesday. I still have no washing machine. Am I wrong in thinking that he knew I was moving in for the past two months so shouldn't these two appliances have been fixed/bought before I moved in?
Theres so many little things I can't even remember them all. My mail? He tells me today I have to have HIS name on all my mail or the lady who sorts it out at the mailbox will see my name and not his and send it back to recipient. Huh? It's that big a deal that we can't just oh I don't know,.. tell her I live here now and she can say ok then,... here's your mail. Apparently not so. Apparently any mail with just my name on it - even though it has the correct new address here - will get sent back to the recipient. So now my drivers license, my OHIP card, my disability cheque,... will not get here. i don't understand how this can be. But,... it is true as so far, no mail has reached me. My OHIP & drivers license will automatically be cancelled if they get sent back. My disability cheque will get sent back,.... (Do you understand the logic of this cuz I don't) Apparently if we tell the post office that this is actually a basement apt and I am a new tenant they will charge me $100.00 a month postal fee to get mail??? Never heard of such rubbish. I guess we'll see what happens.
And speaking of rubbish,.... This town, like many in Ontario, has a "one large bag" limit of rubbish per week that can be put at the curb for pick up. Because there are 6 people living upstairs they already fill this quota. So I have to now,... (and I'm still trying to get my head around this one,...) each time I take out my small little bag of trash I have to put it in my car and next time I'm in town put it into one of the cities trash cans. Can you believe this shit?
Oh, and I still havent' received a key to this flat. And guess what. I never will. They don't have one because they've never been broken into so they never lock their doors so I can't lock my doors. ever. There is NO KEY.
And here's the best part. The guy upstairs is a real estate agent. Works from home and does a lot of driving around here and there. Well his car is broken so he rents a car three times a week for using. Well he talked me into "renting" him MY CAR 3 times a week for his use. $20.00 a day plus the cost of gas. I am stupid. I am a huge pushover. I do not know how to say no. So I fell for it and agreed. So yesterday and today I was stuck in this flat in the middle of the country because HE was driving around in MY car. Yes the $40.00 he gave me was nice. But come on,.... HOW did I fall for this shit??? It's just me all over,.... I can never be honest with people about how I really feel so I just smile and nod and agree and get walked all over. He said he would be home at 5 as I had to pick my daughter up from work at 9 but he didn't get home until 8!! I was shitting bricks wondering if he had been in a car wreck or what and freaking out because I didn't know if he would be home in time for me to pick my daughter up. When he got home he didnt' even come downstairs. He just kept the keys as he has it tomorrow too. Needs it to go to a funeral with his family. So I had to go up there and ask for my own fucking car keys to go and get my daughter! He didnt' even realize he was suppose to be home (although I did say I need the car at 5 to go into town to do laundry). Again I just made light of it. But I was seething inside. I was mad enough to (say smiling) that I was re-thinking the car thing and I would let him know what I decided on Sunday after talking to my brother. But I couldn't say no to him using it tomorrow as it is a funeral he needs it for and the whole family is going. But so far,.... I haven't allowed him to use it after that.
I mean this is me! I get taken advantage of ALL THE TIME! I know this apt was $150.00 cheaper than the going rate so I was expecting some problems. But so far,.... It's been a nightmare. I hate it here. And theres no way of moving again. I put this move on a credit card to begin with so it's put me into a lot of debt. I am stuck here whether I like it or not. I HATE IT HERE! It's dirty. Theres no heat except that damn wood burning stove so I'm always cold. (9 blankets on my bed at night and I still wake up freezing)
And this has plunged me back into depression big time. Because now it's like,... This is my life. This is now my lot in life and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. And I'm miserable.
My mental illness makes me very impulsive and I was so upset earlier that all I wanted to do was take an OD and escape this nightmare. But my daughter was coming over so I couldn't. But then when I picked my daughter up she said she was going out with friends. (she is 16 - I guess there all a bit self absorbed at that age) so I don't even have her here with me now.
I'm miserable. I have been drinking wine every night this week which is NOT like me at all. I've just been that miserable and desperate for an escape no matter how short. So right now I am drunk. And I am sobbing. And I feel trapped. But most of all I feel stupid. I never seem to make any good choices and this is just another example of one of my many bad choices in life. And this time,.... I just can't deal with it. I just can't deal with this whole thing.
Someone come and rescue me. Because theres no way I'm going to survive this mistake.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

trying to stay calm and just relax a bit

Today I feel a little bit better. Not great. Not excited. Still not liking the new flat,... but,...  if I can feel a bit better with each passing day then things can only go up, right?
It's a family of 6 that live upstairs and I'm not used to all the noise. I am a night owl - NOT a morning person so for the past 2 years I have been up really late every night and sleep in late every morning. But this family all get up at 6 and they wake me up with their noise. I have been up and out of bed by 8:00 every morning so far. As much as I HATE this maybe its not a bad thing in the end. Maybe it will help me get back into a more sociable schedule. That is, of course, unless I get another job working nights and then I'll be pissed for being woken up so early. But for now,... I'm not working at all so maybe this is a positive thing.
I actually like the family. It's an Irish man and a Portuguese woman and their 4 kids. The eldest two daughters are exactly the same ages as my two girls. Because of the wood burning stove and the odd jobs they have been in and out of here all the time. Before I moved I would have resented the intrusion but oddly right now I'm not hating it (so far!!) I kind of like having people to chat with and I almost feel like I'm back in the middle of a family once again. Hmmmmm what is this?? Could this be a sign that I might be getting a bit better mentally? Only time will tell. Either I continue to go up and do better or I will one day soon wake up and resent not having my cocoon to hide away in and continue to be a recluse. Everything is all so new and over-whelming for me so I'm not really sure how I feel about anything right now. Theres so much going on in my life that I'm so conscious of just taking things day by day so I don't end up really un-well again.
I'm still very emotional. I have spoken with my brother and my aunt on the phone and both conversations I was breaking into tears trying really hard to stop myself from crying. Having a stable mood is obviously still an issue but I'm working on it.
I haven't heard from the new mental health centre I was referred to yet. I'm getting a little concerned as I'm almost out of medication. I guess if worse came to worse I could always make an appointment with my GP and she can write me a script but shes a hard one and I have to jump through hoops to get anything out of her so I would rather just see the new psychiatrist instead. I will try not to get too anxious over this. I have to keep reminding myself that these things take time and paper work. But I feel sort of exposed or fragile not having a doctor at all who is helping me with my mental illness. Right now there is literally no support what-so-ever and that makes me a bit nervous. But I will stay calm and hang in there.
I didn't do a lot in the flat today. But I did go out and buy a small shelf for some stuff so I could put a small amount of stuff away. Every little bit is progress.
Tonight I am just sitting in front of the TV relaxing. Or trying to anyway. I still have high anxiety but I'm working hard at just trying to chill and take time to myself and not stress.
One day at a time they say,..... and that's all I'm capable of at the moment.