Monday, February 28, 2011

Too much to deal with right now

Well today has actually been a very upsetting day. With all that has gone wrong with my move into this new apartment I didn't dream anything could get worse.
I was excited today because I got to see my daughters and my Mom. I picked my two daughters up at their house just around the corner (they live with their Dad) and we drove the hour to the Retirement home my Mom moved into last October. But as we walked into the front door the girl at reception told us that an ambulance had brought my Mom to the local hospital a few hours earlier. There was a message to call my sister-in-law "L" which we did.
Now to understand my Mom,.... Shes 82 and has become a cantankerous ol bat at the best of times. (and I'm being kind here) She is unwell but she is not SERIOUSLY ill at the moment. Today her legs were swollen and weeping which is a regular occurrence for the past month or two. But she decided today that they were bad enough she needed an ambulance called. (this condition would rarely require anything more than a Doctor to come out to look at) Finally the staff at the home gave up and let her call the ambulance.

She is being extremely difficult. Basically she is severely depressed and keeps telling anyone who will listen to call a vet and have her put down. (I"m not being funny here - she really does say this!) She has given up and won't do anything to help herself. She won't even feed herself even though there is nothing physically wrong with her to warrant help. The retirement home has now had enough and want a meeting with my brother and I to discuss her leaving and going into a nursing home where she can be (and these are their words, not mine,...) waited on hand and foot to her hearts content over there because we aren't that level of care here. In short, she thinks a retirement home means being surrounded by servants who will cater to her 24/7. It's not. A retirement home is for able-bodied seniors who need 'light' care but can basically fend for themselves.
My Mom is capable of fending for herself but refuses to.

Anyway,.... So I haven't seen my Mom in months as I lived 3 and a half hours away. But since I moved on the weekend I am now only an hour away.
So after hearing she is now in the hospital we all pile into my car and drive to the local hospital where we are told that "This is a hospital,... and we are nurses - not maids or servants,.." so right away we know this visit isnt' going to be good.
I walk in her room - not having seen her in months and have just moved - and she doesn't even acknowledge me in any way. She just starts bitching about the quality of care shes getting.I tried to ignore her and be "happy" and act all excited to see her but she doesn't want to know.
Finally my eldest daughter says "Nana, Mom moved this weekend. Did you know that?" and she replies no she had completely forgot and then goes back into a tirade of bitching. To say I was hurt that she didn't show any happiness or anything at seeing me in a few months is an understatement. To know she completely forgot I was even moving was just as hurtful. She didn't ask about any of us at all. She didn't want to know.
My sister-in-law showed up just as I was leaving the room in tears. The first thing out of my mothers mouth? "L" I'm out of depends. I need you to go and get me some and then I need changing,...  I was shocked at how rude and inconsiderate she was as "L" has dropped her life and done nothing but cater to Mom for the past 5 months!! THIS IS NOT MY MOM!!!!!!  I mean really,.... this is not the woman I knew and loved all my life. And it was devastating to realize this. Me and my 2 daughters (16 & 20) all left in floods of tears shocked at how she has changed.  IT WAS UPSETTING!!
Why is she like this? Is she just sick of living and taking it out on the world? I wondered about dementia but she remembers exactly who we all are. What happened? My mother has been replaced by a demanding, rude, inconsiderate lout. And it broke my heart.
I didn't need this today. I am fighting a breakdown from this move. I have been fighting it for a few months now. My eating disorder returned about a month ago (I've lost 17 pounds in 1 month) and my depression and anxiety are at an all time high. This move was just too much for me but of course once the wheels were in motion I had to go through with it. I can't now deal with this too. I just can't.
I dropped my girls back at their house and I came back to my new apartment which is still in shambles and still has everything broken and which I still hate and I dropped down to a heap on the floor and I sobbed my heart out. This is too much. This is too much. This is too much,.....

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I've moved

Right now I am so shattered I don't think I have the energy to write a whole blog entry. So I'll just do the best I can.
The move was horrible. The weather was a snowstorm. That hindered a lot.
Once at the new place,... I find out the fridge doesn't work,.. The knob in the shower doesn't work,... (so no showers yet) the plug in the bathtub is gone,.... (so no bath till he gets a new one fitted) It's a house heated by oil but the owners are out of oil so there is no heat - at all!! (It's winter here in Canada!)Last night I nearly froze to death!! The laundry machine doesn't work so I have to drive to a Laundromat to do my laundry. Theres not enough room here so there are boxes and boxes of stuff not unpacked because there just isn't room to put it anywhere. My TV & Internet hook up almost didn't happen because of a problem living out in the country (??) - but was eventually. This morning I woke up and looked around and broke down in tears. Everything is a complete mess.

Some results,... The owner got the wood burning stove working so I have some heat but I've never had one before and I'm getting fed up of having to stoke a fire every hour just to stay warm and wondering what will happen tonight after I go to sleep and the fire goes out. Going to be a COLD morning. Apparently he said he will fix the fridge and shower and bath and laundry machine but he didnt' say when & he wasn't at home most of the day to even talk to him to ask him when.

Right now, I am not doing well. Durng my big crying fest this morning I just wondered what the hell I had got myself into and just wanted to die. I just don't have the energy to deal with all these things right now. I seriously wanted to get into my car, drive onto a deserted road (lots around here - I'm in the middle of nowhere) and take an overdose, go to sleep and then freeze to death. Seriously,... this was a plan.

But I see my daughters tomorrow and my Mom so I pulled myself together the best I could and got through until now. But I hate this new place. I really, really hate it. I feel like I've gone from "poor" to down-right "poverty stricken trailer trash". This place is barely habitable but all I could afford.
I HATE it here!!!  And I HATE my life. What the hell has happened to my life that I've ended up here??????
I feel so sad that this is my life.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Completely knackered

Well, I didn't think that I was going to get this apartment packed in time but it looks like I may just be coming to the end of it.
I just have to have a shower in the morning and pack all the bathroom stuff and then take down all the curtains from the windows & a couple of other odd jobs. But I can see that it will get done now. Not so last night. Last night I was totally overwhelmed and couldn't focus my mind to stick to any one job and I felt like I was just moving stuff around instead of actually accomplishing anything. I was so stressed about it I didn't get any sleep at all. I ended up staying up all night watching TV trying to calm myself down a bit. Then this morning I finally seemed to get my act together. Things finally started to get done. Progress was being made!!
But I am so sore tonight. I have fibromyalgia as well as my bipolar & BPD. And it seems like every inch of my body is sore.
So, I think I'm off for an early night tonight. Catch up on all the sleep I've been missing out on due to my anxiety and stress over the past week. Then Up at the crack of dawn to get the rest finished before the moving men arrive to load it all on the truck.
I will go to my new flat tomorrow night after this apt is empty but there won't be anything in the new one until Friday as the truck can't deliver until then. So I am borrowing my daughters air mattress and sleeping on that in an empty apartment. (Hope its not too creepy,...) Because of the delay in delivering my stuff none of my Internet/phone/TV will be hooked up until Saturday now. I am not exaggerating when I say that I am definitely going to go through twitter/facebook/blogger withdrawl!!!! 
I am bringing a ton of cleaning stuff with me in my car so I'll take up all that time by giving the apartment a good scrub down. (Yeah,... I may just have a touch of OCD in me when it comes to cleaning,..LOL)
Poor MaggieMay. She has been so out of sorts since I started all this packing. And today when I got all her stuff together to put in the car she looked so sad and worried. I think she thinks shes not coming with me. Tomorrow will be traumatic for her with the 3 and a half hour car trip. She hates her carrier and the car so I hope she'll be OK. It's going to be a loooooong drive if shes going to be meowing and carrying on all the way there.
So, I think it's safe to say that the both of us will be happy once all of this is behind us.
And that's me done till I'm back on-line once again.
:-)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Breaking down from stress

The move is getting closer. (Thursday) and my anxiety level is at an all time high. I don’t ever remember moving being this stressful before. And I have moved a lot! I am a Virgo so I am usually well-organized and ready to go with everything. But right now,… not at all. There is still a ton of stuff to be packed. I look around me and think "honestly, how hard is it to take your stuff and put it into a box and then tape it shut??"   Well, apparently for me it's just too hard. I can't get my mind to focus. So I just sit in the middle of the room amounst the kaos and cry.  ~ sigh ~!

But earlier today I got some other stuff done. I did all the laundry I could because the washing machine at my new apartment is broken so I will have to drive to a laundromat to do washing once I’ve moved out of here. I did 5 loads so far. (bedding, sheets, towels, clothes,etc,…) I also ran around getting my address changed for my driver’s licence, Health card,...etc,… So in that sense I was productive.

But when I got home I got a call from the movers saying they were going to be much later arriving Thursday as they have to load another persons apartment up in WINDSOR (2 hour drive away from me) before they load up my stuff. So instead of 8:00am as they promised it’s now going to be more like 2 or 3 in the afternoon.Um,… Mr. Moving Man,... I don’t like change. I like schedules and lists and timetables. I don’t like sudden changes of plans. I'm severely depressed,... have BPD as well as bipolar,... You don't fuck around with that combination Mr. I tend to become off-balance and panic and then start to cry,... not a pretty sight for you. (Wished I had said that out loud but,... not brave enough). So I just agreed with everything he said and hung up. He sounded so flaky about the whole thing that now I’m starting to get a tad worried about it all. When I'm in this high anxiety state every little thing is blown way out of proportion and I crash from the pressure of it all.

This is just one of those times in my life when I wished I wasn’t alone. I feel so overwhelmed with it all right now. I feel so much pressure to get it all done. My coping skills aren’t great at the best of times. Right now I have to keep fighting the urge to not freak out altogether. I just keep telling myself that two more days and it will be done. Two more days and I get to see my girls. Two more days and I can relax,… But oh how I’m going to hate the time until then.

I have a tattoo on the inside of my right wrist that says    “Just Breathe”    Good advice at the moment. Every time I doubt I’ll be packed in time and feel myself starting to panic I just remind myself.  Stop for a minute and just breathe,… It WILL all get done and this time on Saturday I will be sat on my couch in my new apartment with a nice glass of Australian Merlot laughing at myself for getting so damn worked up about it all.

But tonight? I think I need a hug,... sniff,..sniff,...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Head all over the place

Today I went into a popular coffee shop to ask about getting boxes for my move. While I was waiting I looked around at everyone. There was a wide variety of people. Seniors, workmen, business people, kids,... And what I noticed was that they all seemed at ease and enjoying each others company. They were chatting and laughing effortlessly amongst one another. And it made me sad because I don't think I'm capable of doing that anymore. Now, if I go out to be with someone (which isn't often anymore) I have to kind of psych myself up beforehand. I literally think of topics I can talk about so the conversation won't dry up. I virtually panic if theres a space in the conversation (???) I feel like its me being boring so I just  blather on about stupid stuff to fill up the space. I don't know how to be 'normal' anymore.
I don't know what to talk about,... I don't know how to answer whoever I'm talking to with the right answer. I don't know how to carry myself without looking like an anxious fiddly mess.
I used to go out and enjoy myself all the time and not even think about it. But I'm afraid to now. I'm afraid that whatever I say will be stupid. I'll actually go home afterwards and go over stuff I said and get upset with myself for saying it because it was dumb. Is this making any sense at all?? Probably not. Just shows how scattered my brain is right now.
I have three more packing days until I move. And I am seriously freaking out about it. I can't sleep because I lay in bed thinking "Oh, I mustn't forget to do that,.. or Don't forget to change your address with so & so,... or Did I remember to do that??" These thoughts just go round and round my head. Swirling about. Sleep never comes.
Actually on Friday night I had been up for days and was so exhausted I took my prescribed (large) dose of Seroquel - 700mg  (I usually only take a fraction - 100mg  - of what the Dr prescribes as it makes me too stoned to function) with the intention of it putting me to sleep finally. Well it worked. I slept until today!! That's was 33 hours!! And you would think because of all that sleep I would feel rested. But I don't. I'm an anxious, nervous mess. I will never sleep tonight now. So I know I'll just go back & forth from the computer to the TV and back to the computer again. My concentration is so low I just can't sit still at one thing right now. I know it's all due to the move. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Anxiety is an awful emotion to feel when theres way too much of it. It's still exacerbating my eating issues. (which means I'm barely eating at all,...)
Anyway, I'm not going to write anymore tonight. My mind is too scrabbled. I'm not myself at all.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Should I go & meet her?

I had an interesting email sent to me yesterday. But I'd better share a bit with you first so you'll understand the dilemma it is causing me.
I was born to an 18 yr old alcoholic/drug addict. This girl lived with her Mom (my Grandma) and her 6 siblings in a tiny two-up - two-down house. So there was barely room for me once I came along. I lived in this house for 3 yrs until the Children's Aid Society came in and removed me and put me into care. I was very soon after adopted into a nice middle class family.
This family was lovely but I didn't get along with them once I hit the terrible teenage years so I moved out when i was only 15.  My relationship with this family got better later in life. Especially after I had my two daughters.
I divorced in 2000. My father died in 2003. So my two daughters and I moved into my Moms house. My depression was at an all-time low as you can imagine. I had just lost my marriage, my father and the beautiful big house I loved. I had a huge break-down which resulted in a suicide attempt and hospital stay. Won't go into all the details except to say I lost custody of my children and my ex-husband would not let me see them for  "3 YEARS!" which of course devastated me and I spun more and more out of control into my illness.
I finally started to see them again in 2007. But by this time I had lost all my family. My Mother and two brothers choose not to have me in their life and wouldn't talk or contact me. This really, really hurt me.
In a completely different scenario,... 20 years ago my Aunt D from my birth family (my birth mothers sister) found and contacted me and we became great friends and very close. To this day, I still can't live without her kindness and understanding and go to her when I need someone to be there for me.  
In another completely different scenario,... I have always had contact with my birth mother (I'll call "K") but she lives 5 provinces away from me so I have never actually met her. She is still into drugs and drinking but underneath that she is a lovely and kind person. She moves around a lot and we don't always know where she is but about a couple of times a year she calls just to let everyone know shes alive and kicking still.
Now, K had another child about 15 years after she had me. A son (my step-brother) who we'll call "T". Now  T  is mentally challenged and functions at the level of a 10 year old even though he is an adult. He is very sweet and loving. Three years ago his carer flew him to us so he could meet me and my daughters. It was a nice visit and we all liked him. That was the first and last time I saw him.
Are you still with me??
Now,.... T's carer just emailed me asking me to come out to British Columbia where they live to visit with them. This is also where my birth mother lives. I replied by explaining a bit about my situation and how I could barely afford food let alone a vacation. So they offered to pay my flight. Now I really don't know what to do. I barely know these people having only met them once for a couple of hours. I also know that travelling cost more than just the cost of the plane tickets. Money I don't have. (food, sight-seeing, etc,..) and i could not expect them to pay for everything as that would be way too much. The other reason I wouldn't be comfortable is because of my social issues due to my depression. I don't think I could be away from my own home more than a night. I wouldn't be comfortable staying in someone else's home. My depression has left me so I don't even know if I can 'pretend' to be normal anymore. I don't think I could interact appropriately with people anymore. I don't think I could "pretend" to be normal for such a long period of time. (probably a week)
But part of me is saying,... You have never had the chance to meet your mother. This could be your one and only chance to do that. Shes 65 and not healthy due to her high-risk lifestyle so who knows how long she has.
Anyone reading my blog knows I don't have much in the way of family left. Just my two daughters and Aunt D. No one else. My rejection from my adoptive family devastated me and tore a whole in my heart that has never repaired. Could this be a chance at having another family? Unfortunately they live over 3000 km away so it wouldn't be a hands on relationship like sharing holidays and birthdays, etc,... 
I don't know. I'm quite conflicted. My Aunt is telling me no. My mother would be a negative influence on me. Her illness/addiction would not be good for my state of mind right now. She doesn't feel I'm strong enough for any of this. I have to wonder the same.
But if I don't go,... Will I ever get to meet my birth mother?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm struggling,... slipping,....

I am moving in 6 days. And the stress is overwhelming. I really wasn't well enough to have started this whole moving back to my family thing. But the pull and urge to be with my family convinced me to go for it. But now I know it wasn't the right time. I can feel myself slipping.
Why do I always have to do everything by myself? If I had some help it might have been easier but I don't. I moved here 2 years ago in a serious depression which I never got out of so I never made the effort to go out and meet anyone. I have basically been a recluse for the past 2 years. A sick, depressed recluse. So I have no one to help me. The work load is just too much. The stress and worry of getting it all done is too much.
Today I need to get in the shower and go out and find more boxes. For most people they wouldn't even need to think about it. They would just do it. But for me, I'm struggling with even this. And the more days that pass,... The more I panic and become totally overwhelmed.
I'm still not eating. (Lost 6 lbs in one week) My healthy mind says that's dangerous - STOP IT! But my E/D mind says great job - that's a win! It's the old comforting feelings of hunger and control that are keeping me from completely losing it altogether. Twisted logic I know but that's how it is.
I just need to hang on for one more week,..... 6 days! I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep packing,... keep going,... I'm trying so hard but I can feel my mind losing it.
I'm slipping,.....

Monday, February 14, 2011

slipping back into my E/D

I'm still feeling really sad and depressed. I've stopped the Seroquel for the past few days as it didn't seem to be helping the depression anyway but it was making me quite foggy, hung-over and zombie-like so I felt better off of it. But now on top of feeling so sad, I can't sleep or eat. I have always had sleeping issues starting with an up-side-down schedule as I'm a natural night owl. I usually go to bed around 3'ish and wake up around noon. I've been like this since I was a teenager and 30 years on I can't change. Luckily I have managed to find evening or night jobs when I work to make things easier. But right now, I can't sleep at all. I go to bed but I just lay there wide awake so eventually just get back up and watch TV.
I'm also still restricting my food intake. The anorexic tendencies are definitely back full force. I was anorexic as a teen and then had a relapse 8 years ago going down to 92 lbs again. But over the past 2 years I have been severely depressed and lonely and have comfort ate my way up to 150 lbs which is not only enormous to me but DISGUSTING! Suddenly, with all the pressure I've been under with this upcoming move I have reverted back to my food restricting. Today I ate nothing but a yogurt at dinner and a bowl of cereal at 8. For the past week I have only had either a yogurt or cereal all day. I've already lost 5 lbs. But even though I have been down this road and know the consequences, I just can't stop. Controlling my food intake is a comfort to me that I can't explain to anyone else who hasnt' been here. Maybe once I move and get settled closer to my family I will feel less stressed and start eating normally again. But for now, I can't.
It's not that difficult really because I am so sad and depressed I really don't feel like eating at all anyway.
I'm not condoning what I'm doing. I'm just being honest in telling you I'm doing it.
For now, In a really weird way,.. not eating is keeping me from breaking down completely from this intense pressure and stress I'm feeling and not able to cope with. It's my way of coping.
Dangerous? yup,... you don't have to tell me I've been there before,.... but right now I can't stop.

Never ending

I woke up feeling so sad and depressed and flat. I have been sick for all of my adult life. Started in my teens and has never left. It's robbed me of a normal life. I'm always depressed,... feel like a waste of space,...
It's never - fucking - ending,...... I just can't take it anymore.
Today I have sat and cried staring at the TV. Over 30 years of this now. Each year getting sicker,... each year getting poorer,... each year getting less and less able to take care of myself because I'm so ill.
Never ending,.....
Never ending,....
Never ending,....
I've stopped talking to people. I've stopped packing. I've stopped eating. I've stopped everything. I'm now in a deep hole of this fucking Black Fog.
and I really don't care anymore if I ever get out.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

slippery slope

Feeling very stressed and at an all time high for anxiety.
Still restricting food. I know,... I know,... But my 'logical' mind says your playing a dangerous game reverting back to this but my "emotional/mentally ill stressed out" mind says I don't care,... It's comforting to me. One bowl of Special-K all day is a win!

Slippery slopes,....

Thursday, February 10, 2011

need sleep!

Here I am once again sitting at the computer in the middle of the night because I can't sleep. I know all of you reading this are nodding your heads saying "Yeah,... Join the club,..." Reading all the blogs it's hard not to see the same symptom in all of us when we are in a bad way. Sleep does not come easy,... And for me, it's been 2 nights of sleep not coming at all.
I'm severely depressed. Feel hopeless. Useless. Just don't want to go on. But at the same time theres this current of ,... something,... going through me making me feel like I'm going to explode. I've reverted back to my eating restrictions. ( only one banana & one yogurt all day for the past 3 days ) which is definitely not a good sign. It shows I'm losing control somehow (doesn't it? Maybe not,... I don't know anymore,...)
I just know I'm in a very bad way. I think this move and having to do it completely on my own has been a bit too stressful for me. I should have waited until I was feeling better mentally before I took such a task on. I'm not coping with the workload of it all. And I'm completely stressing out because I know it will mean a complete lifestyle change as well. I will be near my family once again and they will be in and out of my life all the time and I will have to suddenly be 'all better' and that means a lot of "acting" that I really dont' think I'm up to at all. My daughters worry about me so much (due to past overdoses) so I will always have to pretend to be well and healthy even when I'm dying inside. I just don't think I'll be able to cope with that right now.
And this is putting a great deal of pressure on me that I'm not dealing well with it at all. I'm cutting (Yes, there I said it,...) I'm restricting food which I know from past behaviour is a dangerous slope to be walking on. It's obvious my mental state is screaming out in all these different harmful ways that I need to take a break. Slow down. I want all this pressure to just go away.
But mostly right now, I need to sleep. My head is completely all over the place (as you can tell by this scatterbrained entry,...) I'm not sure if my mental state is causing the sleeplessness,... or it the lack of sleep is causing me to crash. It seems to be a vicious cycle of both things together.
So that's it. I am going to take my seroquel soon as I get off this computer. And instead of my really low dose that I have been restricting myself to I am going to take the full 700mg that the doctor has prescribed me. I've been taking about 50 to 100mg a day for the past few months trying to stay away from the zombie state it puts me in. But tonight (or this morning rather as its now after 2) I welcome that drugged, hangover zombie effect it has on me. I need that state of non-feeling just for a bit. And hopefully I can go to bed and sleep until tomorrow afternoon.
I'm such a friggin mess right now.

Had a bit of a freak out last night

This up-coming move is stressing me out!
There seems to be all kinds of little things that aren't getting resolved and taken one at a time I would just deal with them. But last night they all swam together and I found myself having a melt-down. My anxiety level seems to be at an all time high right now. I'm a little confused as to how I can be so depressed right now but still have high anxiety. The two don't seem to go together. But that's what I'm feeling.
Last night things just got on top of me and I ended up a heap on the floor sobbing into my pajamas. I'm not coping well.
And just as I was starting to get a hold of myself my Aunt called. One of the 3 family members I have left in my life (Her & my two daughters) She could obviously tell I was a mess and she took the time to just talk to me. She calmed me down and then offered to help with a couple of the problems I'm dealing with. hearing solutions for a change was refreshing to say the least. We talked for about 20 minutes. And by the time I hung up the phone I did feel considerably better. I don't think my Aunt realizes what a lifeline she is to me at times. She miraculously takes all my meltdowns in stride. Shes been a God-send.
I have lost a lot of people in my life over this illness. But the ones that are the most important to me have stayed. And right now,... those 3 people are keeping me afloat. I'm so grateful.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sad for a friend

We are a community. Between blogging and tweeting and Facebook we support one another through the only thing we have on here ~ words.
But sadly, I think our words just didn't do it this time.
I have communicated with LaReve on here for some time now. I have grown to care for her. She has been struggling over the past little while. And now, after reading her blog and knowing she deleted her Facebook I fear the worst has happened. I fear she has killed herself or is in hospital from a failed attempt. It makes my heart heavy to even think this but unfortunately I feel it's true.
It's a constant reminder to us all that this disease is serious. This disease ruins lives and ends lives.
All of us go through terrible, horrible dark times when we feel we just can't go on another minute. Luckily, most of us manage to get through these times. But tragically, some of us don't.

*** I don't know where you are LaReve or how your doing ~ I hope & pray for the best ****

I care for all my 'virtual' friends

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feeling a bit better now

Two posts in one day,.... Shows how my head is all over the place.
I think I am doing a little bit better than this morning. Blog comments have helped for me to see a bit clearer.
I'm not feeling suicidal anymore. I think what I am feeling is discouraged. I want so much to get well but I never really do. This depression is always with me or lurking just under the surface. I want so much to have what everyone else has. A nice home, money to pay for your essentials, a family that cares and loves you and I don't seem to have any of those things. On good days I can cope with it. On bad days, like today, I can't. I get very discouraged and wonder why I bother because it never seems to get better. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.
Anyway, Just wanted to let you all know that I'm not suicidal and i am not going to hurt myself (some of you DM'd me concerned) I'm just having a really bad day and needed to express that in my last post.
But I sure do wish that I could control these horrible mood swings.

feeling so hopeless right now

I can't believe how quickly things have been deteriorating for me. Just a month ago I seemed to be on the up-swing feeling some-what better and even getting up everyday at an earlier and more respectful hour and getting things done during the day. MOTIVATED!
But over the past few weeks I have been slipping. And now it's gotten to a point where I am again feeling hopeless. I have been having many suicidal thoughts and urges. I have been planning. I just don't feel like there is future for me. At 47 yrs old if I were ever able to finally get it together and be able to live a normal life (job, friends, etc,..) I certainly would have attained that goal by now. But I haven't. My whole adult life I have floundered around. I can't hold down a job,.... I can't maintain healthy long-term relationships,...I have lost my family (Mother and brothers no longer want me in their lives) So I feel really alone. But the BPD in me causes this doesn't it? "I love you but I'm going to sabotage our relationship so you leave me forever,..." leaving me feeling like a complete failure and an unwanted loser. WHY do I do this??? Why,.. why,...why,...
My living conditions have slowly deteriorated with each passing year. I am now moving to a basement apartment that is the worst one I've lived in yet. I have no money. I'm so sick of being poor. I'm so sick of being lonely. I'm so sick of not having the mentality or tools to make it on my own. I'm so sick of life. I've been struggling for over 30 years and things just get worse and worse over time instead of better. I'm tired.
I'm really, really tired of it all.
I got up at noon (always do now) and I've done nothing but cry since I got up. Everything seems so futile. Why do I bother?
I feel like such a failure. Why can't I be 'normal' and get a job and go to it every single day like normal people. I have worked before but I always 'crash' at some point where I can't get out of bed and I don't call in sick and I get fired. (again,... Why do I do this?) I burn so many bridges that I don't think I can even get a job anymore because I don't have a resume anymore. Just a whole lot of jobs I've messed up and huge gaps in between of not working at all. I don't have the energy anymore to try and lie my way around this to try and even get another job. ~ I'll only lose it within a year.
I'm so sad. I'm so ashamed of myself for being such a fuck-up that I can't even maintain a 'living' existence for myself. I am sinker deeper and deeper into poverty. And poverty is not fun. Food banks, NEVER going out because you can't even afford to buy a coffee. I'm un-healthy because food bank never gives meat, fruit or veg and I live off of boxed non-perishables. I get sick a lot and I'm sure this is why. I have no friends because they stop calling to invite me out when I decline too many times as I don't have the money even for a movie. Certainly no money for dinner and a few drinks. To me,... that's a 'rich' life that I will never see.
I'm so tired of it all!!!!
My mind is feeling very scattered right now which is why this blog entry is all over the place. I'm just too depressed to concentrate properly or write anything worth reading.
In writing this I'm just hoping to 'get it all out' and feel better because of it. But it didn't work I'm still crying. Still feel sad and depressed. I'm still paralyzed in my black fog of hopelessness.
And I'm asking the age old question,... "Why Me?" I was born and brought up a Christian but I have to ask myself,... "What did I ever do in my life that was so bad that I have had to endure 47 years of a mental illness that has given me no end of heartache, loneliness and struggle?"
Today has been such a bad day.  :-(

Monday, February 7, 2011

Horrible Night Last Night

I have no idea what happened last night. I have been slipping into a depression over the past week or two. Yesterday I binged which I do about once a month. But after the binging I suddenly panicked. I wanted that food out and I wanted it out NOW! I tried purging but it didn't work. And with each failed attempt I got more and more panicky. My anxiety level was very high.
There was definitely something inside of me building up and I needed to release it ~ badly! But I didn't know how. It felt terrible. So I worked myself up into this complete frenzy. I was pacing around. Couldn't settle down. Finally I found an old bottle of Temazepam (30mg) and took 2 of them. It worked. Within an hour I had calmed down considerably and was even groggy enough to go to bed. 
But why this sudden urge to purge??? 
I was anorexic as a teen. Undiagnosed. But all through high school and a few years after I weighed about 92 pounds. I freaked out if I gained a pound over that. It's unbelievable to me that no one in my entire family or circle of friends ever mentioned it to me. I hardly ate. I was 92 lbs. Yet no one said a word. I remember being happy that no one cared because then no one bothered me about it. I was obsessed with staying 92 pounds! 
Am I so anxious about my move that I am reacting by reverting back to my 'food obsession' days? I have been slim all my life up until 8 yrs ago when terrible things happened in my life. Then I started comfort eating and have continually gained weight ever since. I am now 154lbs. ( 11 stone ) People who havent' seen me in a few years can't hide the shock in their faces when they see me. I'm nearly twice my weight since the last time they saw me. I look awful. I feel totally ASHAMED that I have let myself go to this weight. And I am disappointed in myself that I have no control or willpower like I did when I was young. (I loved pushing through the hunger knowing I "won")
Last night I suddenly wanted that control back. I wanted to be thin. I wanted my stomach to feel empty. Because that meant I could control my food again. And having that strong willpower once again meant I was in control of SOMETHING in my life. But I panicked when it didn't work. In the end, I took a laxative which did help a little bit in making me think I was doing something,... anything,.... (Yes, gross, but unless you've ever been in an eating disordered mind I don't think you would ever guess at what lengths we'd go to keep out stomachs empty) 
So on top of my depression and anxiety, I now have to deal with my eating. I HAVE to stop binging. Have to!! I've been doing it for years now and it has to stop. But I don't know how to stop. I feel so pathetic that I have no self control or willpower what so ever. 
I wonder if last night was a one-off. Or if that ugly monster called 'eating' is resurfacing after years of self excile I'm pretty confused right about now about the whole thing.   

Sunday, February 6, 2011

something building inside of me

There is something building inside of me tonight. I am agitated. Unsettled. I can't concentrate on one thing. I keep going back and forth from my computer to the TV but can't concentrate on either.
I want to cut. I want to binge. I want to purge. Because there is something building up inside of me. I feel ready to explode so i need to release this feeling somehow. I am fighting not to do any of these 3 things. But I feel horrible.
I'm really struggling tonight.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Crashed

I don't know what has happened. I was doing so well. I was packing up my apartment. Changing my address everywhere. Getting everything done that needs doing when you move. But suddenly on Monday morning I woke up really depressed. (I had been doing better for about a month) Now I know I have to continue packing and getting ready for the move but I can't. I have become so depressed I can't think of anything but what I failure I am and moving isn't going to change that. The 'well' part of my brain is starting to panic as I know I can't screw this up. I HAVE to be packed and ready by the 24th of this month ~ only 3 weeks away ~ But the 'sick' part of my brain is taking over. I just don't care anymore. I don't care it things don't get done. I don't care if I don't move. I don't care what will happen to me and my belongings if I'm not done in time. I just don't care if I live or die right now.
So for the past week I have basically sat on the couch staring at the TV. My only accomplishment every day seems to be getting into the shower. I binge eat (even though I am totally broke and can't afford grocery shopping and have to ration everything in my cupboards) I don't care. I don't care. I don't care,....
I'm too depressed and flat and just want it all to end.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm so scared of change

You know, I'm not sure why it is that my moods fluctuate so much. But I was so happy on the weekend. I had gone to visit my Aunt and my 2 daughters and we had such a lovely time. I wonder if I was a bit manic as I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. Or maybe it was because I didn't take my Seroquel for the two days beforehand as I can't drive on that medication as it knocks me into a stupor. Either way I was happy and sleepless.
Since i got home, I have been sad and depressed. I keep thinking of my move and now it's scaring me. Not the part about being closer to my family. That is and always will be a great thing. But once I get there, I am going to have to live a much more "normal" existence. My family keep asking where I want to work and talk about popping over all the time,... This means I will have to start behaving like a normal person. Going to bed at a regular hour. Waking up at a regular hour. Showering every morning (rather than whenever I feel like it during the day or evening) This is scary to me as it is making me feel like I have to "act" or "be on" all the time now.
And the job part! That is terrifying me. I know in my heart I'm not ready to work yet. My moods fluctuate so rapidly and I am always so emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat at least 2 or 3 times a day. And finding a job is going to be so difficult. How do you explain not working the past 2 years and all the other long gaps in between other jobs before that. Every job I left I burnt bridges because I didnt' leave on good terms. It always happens sooner or later in all my jobs that I "crash" I suddenly wake up one morning and I can't move. I am so depressed I am paralyzed and I don't call in sick. I just don't go in. Of course I get fired. None of these people will ever give me a reference. So how do I find another job??? My family expects it. They talk about it all the time. Oh you'll be so much better once your working,.... Well,... I WANT to work. I NEED to work (I am so poor it's embarrassing) but I just don't know if mentally I am ready and even if I was, I just can't face the rejection of looking for a new job. All the why's they will be asking that I just can't answer. Honestly anyway,.... What do I say? Um,... well, I left that job because I had a sort of break-down. Oh and that job too. Yes, and the job before that as well,... I haven't worked in 2 years because I've been so depressed I can't leave my apartment,... Um, no you can't have a reference because no one will give me one. It's all so humiliating. And futile. So what do I do??
I'm so scared. I don't move for another 22 days. And right now I feel like I'm in a little safe cocoon in this apartment where I can be me. The sick me. Sleeping for days on end. Awake for days on end. Looking terrible because its a huge effort just to get into the shower. Hiding here alone. It's comforting to me not to leave this apartment (cocoon) and not have to pretend to anyone. But these days will soon be over. And it scares me to death.
I'm such a hopeless failure.