I have received a few private emails wondering how I am so thought I would just write a quick update.
Things have definitely not been easy the past few weeks. It is, of course, the anniversary of the twins this week. Their birthday and then the two separate days they actually passed away. I don’t know why after 22 years this still makes me so sad but it does.
I also have a difficult time with holidays. I will be alone again on Christmas day. I have told the girls to go to their Dads side as I want them to celebrate with their Grandparents and cousins. We will, as usual, celebrate the 3 of us a week later or so. But that leaves me alone for the 25th. What will I do? Probably a Lean Cuisine for one ~ flavored by my salty tears ~ and lots of red wine. (No, actually I am just kidding). Because of my health not being very well right now I am still finding it hard being around people. So Christmas Day is one of those “I hate being alone because it’s going to be so sad and lonely,… but,… I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my apartment right now to go to someone elses house”. It’s a catch 22 that there really isn’t an answer for. If I don’t want to be alone then I will have to leave this apartment and socialize and interact with people and unfortunately I’m just not ready to do that yet. So it’s completely my fault that I will be alone but it doesn’t make it easier. In fact, it makes it worse because it leaves me feeling like such a failure. Why can’t I do something so extraordinarily easy such as leaving my apartment???? I can’t explain it,… I can only say that I can’t,… and that leaves me feeling like a complete failure.
So all this run up to Christmas Day is like torture. Every ad on TV,… on the internet,… on the radio,… Christmas is absolutely everywhere! and every time I see one I feel guilt and failure. But it’s just impossible to turn off. I have put up no decorations. I have lost them all anyway with all of my moves. I just cant’ face looking at a tree or decorations. I’m trying very hard to pretend it doesn’t exist. I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up on January 1st 2012. Voila! All over with. But that’s not going to happen.
I have also started on new medication. This always throws your body out of whack. It’s left me so tired I can’t keep my eyes open right now. I know over time that will subside but for right now it’s quite annoying. The depression is definitely still there. I can’t do the simplest of things at the moment. Achievements in my day are if I can manage to have a shower and feed the cat. It really is horrible. But I am very optimistic this new medication will help and I can start to feel better by the new year. But for now, unfortunately, things do feel a struggle.
Yup, I have once again been brutally honest on here. I want people to know and understand that depression can kick you in your butt and drop you to your knees and suck the life out of you. I want people to know and understand that it’s not just a case of ‘pulling up your socks and getting on with it” (if it was that easy I’d have done that long ago) It has, for the moment, sucker-punched me and I am down. But, I’m trying to look through “The Black Fog” and forward to better, healthier times because I know there will be better times. It’s just a matter of riding this out until the new medication kicks in. And if this medication doesn’t work, then we’ll try another,… and another,… until something does work.
Sorry for the gloom & doom but depression is not a pretty reality. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s dark and it sucks. But I will get through to the other side.