Today should be “Day 98″ of being clean. But instead, I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I fell off the wagon 4 days ago so I have to start all over again. Today is now only “Day 4″. Now it wasn’t a big fall, but a fall none the less. In an addicts world,… ANY slip up is dangerous.
I have not been sleeping much over the past few weeks. I have been afflicted with a toothache that has been relentless. (and before you all go telling me just to go to a dentist,… I don’t have any medical or dental coverage at all and I just don’t have that kind of money for dentists) So I have been doing the warm salt water rinses, sensydine toothpaste, and lots of mouthwash. But the pain has not receded. It comes and goes. But when it is here it is brutal and really wears you down. So after having this off and on for over 2 weeks I broke down and took some painkillers I had left over from my wrist surgery last fall. In my recovery, ANY medication not prescribed to me (especially strong pain killers) is an absolute no-no. I took these Tylenol 3′s with codeine for two days straight. They barely touched the pain. So I had them with alcohol. And then in larger doses. That definitely helped the pain. But once that delicious “zone out” feeling hit me I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t want to stop taking them. It is just indescribable how strong the urge to keep on taking more and more and more was. But,… I stopped. ~ Reluctantly,… but I did.
Last Friday my Transitional Nurse from “Homewood Hospital” came to see me. We had quite a long chat which turned out to be a major break-through for me. Well,… at the time, It was more of a break-down. We finally talked about stuff that was difficult and painful for me and I ended up a sobbing mess. Now she said that it was a “great” thing to have happened. I just felt drained and upset. In my book,… if you just stuff it down far enough and never think about it ~ then it can’t hurt you. Apparently not so. And she obviously called my psychiatrist about it because when I went to see him on Tuesday he thought it would be a wonderful thing to just bring it all back up once again. So, that day turned out to be a big drain to me too.
So I think with that and the toothache I was just feeling so worn down and weak. I have to think this is how I broke down and took the painkillers ~ with alcohol ~ in larger doses than necessary,… But when I woke up the morning after I felt terrible. All that hard work I had done to stay off these medications and in one weak moment I crashed and gave in. It’s a really horrible feeling because it just screams FAIL.
I am obviously still depressed too. I haven’t left my apartment in weeks except for the doctors appointment and to get groceries. And right at this particular moment I don’t feel strong enough to fix that. I’m just not ready to go outside unless I absolutely have to.
I had an appt with my therapist last week. She has told me there’s a group that starts in January for PTSD that she wants me to go to as she feels it would really help me with this ‘can’t leave the apt’ issue. (Becasue of what happened to me) I suppose I really should go but, hence the obvious,…. I would have to leave my apartment and interact and socialize with people. But, if she thinks it would be helpful then I will go. My friend A***** (who I met in the hospital) is going too so that will be very helpful. I’ll have someone to go with so I’m not too overwhelmed anxious.
Well, as you can see I am kind of all over the place right now. Still struggling along and finding things difficult. But still not giving up.