Saturday, November 19, 2011

"My Medical Vacation"

I seem to be hitting a patch of "Don't want to go to bed" right now. Very weird. I will sit up all night long watching TV and hanging out on twitter until I literally cannot keep my eyes open.

WHY?

What is it that won't allow me to go to bed at 11:00pm (or some other reasonable hour) like everybody else? I have a few theories but there only guesses.

ONE): I have been a natural "up all night - sleep all day" girl since I had my first night job when I was 18 years old. That set my inner clock and I have never been able to change it no matter what I do. And believe me ~ I have tried every trick or suggestion I could. Nothing ever worked.

TWO): I have been fighting my sleep issues for over 30 years now and my anxiety towards sleep is off the scale. I think that I now just don't want to go to bed because going to bed will start the high anxiety. I lay awake unable to fall asleep which creates the anxiety that I just can't seem to stop. It gets worse with each passing year. Now, I just think I can't be bothered with the fight. So I sub-consciously avoid it by just not going to bed at all.

This is a serious problem for me and it has affected my entire life.

The past month has been especially bad. I stay awake for 24 - 36 hours at a time until I just can't function anymore and ~ eventually ~ fall asleep.

This has caused me to resort to my old - but fairly dangerous - solution of what I have termed "My medical Vacation" I used to take 800 mg of Seroquel everyday for 2 years so I am well aware of its sedating effects. Hell, it had me walking around like a zombie for two full years. Totally catatonic! Now, since I went into hospital they knocked it back to 150 mg - so much more reasonable. But,... when I have gone for a long time without sleep and feel I just can't take it anymore, I will take 800 mg to 1200 mg at once just so that I will pass out and sleep for a long time. Usually 14 to 20 hours at a stretch. I wake up a little groggy (ok, a lot groggy,..) but once the sedating feeling has passed I finally feel refreshed. It's heaven. I don't do this very often - for obvious reasons (probably not the safest thing in the world to do) but I just get to a point where I'm so exhausted I can't even function.

The past few weeks I have been slipping in quite a few ways. Not sleeping,... getting more depressed,... not wanting to talk to anyone,... not leaving my apartment,.... I can feel it happening but I don't feel like I have the ability to stop it. It's just getting worse with each passing day. This,... is not good.

So I continue with my "Just do 3 things a day" plan.
1)  I always make sure I have a shower every day
2)  I always make sure the dishes are done & the apt tidied up every night
3)  feed the cat and scoop the litter box everyday

May not sound like a chore for anyone else, but right now,... to me,... it feels like climbing Mount Everest.

Today I had a little break-down about it all. I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. It's just getting to be too difficult. I just thought how wonderful it would be if someone just came to my rescue and took care of me for awhile. Financially, physically and mentally,.... I've been struggling on my own for many, many years now and I'm tired. I really am just completely tired of the struggle. I really do wish I could sink back into my childhood and have my parents tell me it will all be alright and they will take care of me,... But this is one wish that is never going to come true.

I'm so tired

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