Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Crash

November 1st 2011 ~ Crash.
I really did have high hopes that my last hospitalization would give me the tools and motivation to look upwards and forward. I have fought this depression for so long that it would be lovely to finally feel happiness and joy. I look at people around me and they are so enthusiastic about their lives. They have plans everyday. They bustle about "doing stuff" and enjoying it. They actually get something out of life. I am so envious of this.
I seem to live on this fluctuating line that goes from "blah" but often dips down to "depressed". I never seem to rise above that line.
I have tried very hard over the past few months to get better. But I haven't. I was suppose to go to all these groups and classes for my out-patient care but ended up dropping out of all of them because of my severe sleeping issues that has me not being able to get out of bed before noon and therefore missing all the scheduled groups. Please understand,... I am not lazy. I just have this up-all-night,... sleep all day,... cycle that has been ingrained inside of me since I was a child and try as I might I just cannot change it. This has obviously caused a great deal of upset in my life. It makes me different from everyone else. It makes it so I don't have a working or social life because I can't get out of bed. I simply cannot explain properly how difficult it is for me to reverse this cycle. But believe me I have tried. Time and time again.... only to revert back to going to bed at 3 and waking up at noon. It's frustrating to say the least.
This makes me feel like a lazy failure and that causes all the other areas of my life to suffer. No social life (meaning no friends) I can't hold down a job (which means I live in poverty which can be down right exhausting mentally).
I have lived this way for over 30 years now. My last hospitalization was a real hope for me to finally change. I gave it all I had. But here I am ~ just two months later ~ right back to where I always seem to be. I am so disappointed in myself.
I have reverted back to staying inside my apartment. I only go out if I need to and even then I usually wait until the evening when it's dark so there's less of a chance of running into anyone. I can't explain why, but I just hate interacting with people. I've never been able to explain why. I just hate it. So i avoid people at all costs. Hiding away inside my flat.
Most days all I can manage is a shower and to keep the dishes and kitchen clean. But everything else exhausts me. I have no motivation physically or mentally. I just watch TV or go on the Internet. I have become very attached to my mental health community on twitter. They are my only friends and my link to the outside world.
Why do I not want to interact with people? Why do I find it so difficult? My life has now been reduced to one small apartment with my TV, computer and cat. This isn't a life. This is just an existence. But I just don't have it in me to change. Right now I can't even be bothered to change it. I'm too depressed.
I can't help feeling like my life is just one big FAIL
I am once again totally enveloped in my Black Fog.

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