Monday, October 3, 2011

Two steps forward,... One step back,....

Well I think I have to admit that last week was a bit of a rough one. My therapist told me that I might find that it would get harder before it would get easier as time passed and she was right. Family and friends are getting on with their lives and I think they all kind of think mine should be too. I did what I needed to do (Hospital and therapy, etc,…)  and now most of that is done with so shouldn’t I be moving on to ‘normal’??

I’m trying. But this past week was hard. My sleeping issues have returned,… Insomnia is back,… fibromyalgia pain is back,…. And some depression is back,… All the things that I took massive amounts of drugs to cover up before ~ are now back. I can’t take drugs to help me sleep anymore. I can’t take drugs to help the pain anymore,…  As I was told would happen, I now have to deal with these things drug-free and it’s really, really hard. I can’t deny that the craving to use to help me with sleep and pain is huge. HUGE! But I have not given in!. But if I'm to be honest,... The only reason I haven't is because I don't have the type of drugs I want to take. I want sleeping pills,... lorazapam,... xanax,... any of those oh so lovely ~ help me to completely zone out ~ drugs. But I have no prescription and don't know how to even start looking for them on the street. But I do feel that Yes,.. I am that desperate for them.

I am still trying to be positive but I know I will sometimes slip. This week I had a few “set-backs” and  I didn’t go to my last 3 therapy classes. That was a fail. I wasn’t happy about missing them but ~ it happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I just have to try harder from here on in. (Man when they said it wasn’t going to be easy ~ they meant it!!) That’s the nature of mental illness and addiction. It’s unpredictable. So having said that,… This week is a brand new week. I can forget past ‘failures’ and instead concentrate on success. I am taking one day at a time. But that little voice in my head that is the illness in me wonders if I'm strong enough.

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