Saturday, October 8, 2011

Happy F***ing Thanksgiving

I am feeling so sad tonight. I live in Canada and this weekend is our Thanksgiving. Which I am ~ yet again ~ spending alone. My daughters came to visit yesterday but couldn't stay longer as they both had to work. They live an hour away so I had to drive them back early this morning. I miss them terribly already.

My girls are 17 and 20. They both go to school and work part-time. They are busy with their lives. I am not begrudging them as I was terribly busy at their age too and I'm sure I didn't put a lot of effort into my Mom back then either. So I understand in my head why I only see them every 4 to 6 weeks but in my heart,... I miss them.

And now, I am faced with yet another holiday without them. Without anyone. My Mom passed away in April of this year so it's even more difficult. But there are other members of my family that could have invited me over for a Thanksgiving meal ~ but didn't. My brother and sister in law (who I have just reconciled with last October) and my biological Aunt (who I used to be very close to). And this has hurt my feelings because neither one of them even bothered to get in touch to see what I was going to be doing. I purposely mentioned on Facebook that I would only be seeing my daughters on Friday,... and then they were leaving,.... which obviously meant that I would be spending the next 3 days alone.  Either people didn't read it (really? maybe only I'm the facebook/twitter addict) or they just didn't realize,... or worse,.... just didn't care,...

I'm so sick of spending holidays alone. Without going into my past troubles I will just say that I was estranged from my whole family (daughters and all) for many years. So I have spent a lot of Christmas mornings alone,.... Thanksgivings alone,.... Easters,...  whatever the holiday,... I was alone for a good 6 to 7 years.

All because I had a mental illness so my ex took me to court and won custody of my kids while I was having a hospital stay. All because I suffer from depression. He had everyone believing I was a danger to myself (Ok, I was,... I admit that one) to my children and to my family,... (NEVER would I have EVER hurt anyone!) but he had anyone who would listen believing I was a danger and therefore my children were taken away from me and my family disowned me. Hurt does not even begin to cover how that made me feel.

Anyway,... I digress,.....

This blog post was meant to help me get out all of the feelings I have today of loneliness,... unworthiness,... sadness,..... I feel discarded and unwanted. It's probably not intentional on any of my families part. But I feel unwanted all the same.

If you've been following my blog you will see that I have just come out of hospital after a 5 week stay. I was doing so much better. But the past week or two have been going back downhill and today I have just dropped right back into "My Black Fog" once again. It is so scary to me how quickly that can happen for me. And I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic by letting something so trivial like a turkey dinner get me so down.

So maybe I should just let myself have a good 'ol cry. Even pour myself a drink or two to relax. I don't know. I just know I feel really empty inside right now.

I really do hate holidays,.....

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