Monday, September 26, 2011

depression day

I seem to be struggling today. I'm so disappointed in myself. I have been trying really hard to do everything I have been told from all the doctors and therapists in the hospital. I've been out of hospital for 3 weeks now and for most of that I had accomplished a lot.
But I can feel myself slipping. I am slowly reverting back to the way I was before I went into the hospital. I had a therapy group appointment this morning at 11:00am. But I went to bed way too late (3'ish) and therefore I just couldn't get out of bed in time this morning. In the end, after trying to wake up I just turned off the alarm and rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30pm this afternoon. Big, fat, FAIL!!!!
I feel guilty for letting people down. And that guilt just lead to me feeling depressed. I am a loser,.... that is what has been rumbling around in my head all day. You can't even do the simplest of things like getting up in the morning!!! How stupid are you??? And so my mood has spiralled down, down, down,....
I know I harp on and on about my sleeping problems on here to the point of boredom. But I just don't understand it. Why do I need to stay up half the night and sleep half the day? It seems to be my natural clock and I know it will never change. I fight it but I never win.
So today I am taking a "depressed" day for myself. I am going to just stay inside and watch TV and do nothing else. Depression,... you really have destroyed my life.

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