I have been out of hospital for exactly one week today. But already I am slipping back into my old life.
Although I really tried to get my sleeping habits back on track, I found it too hard. So I am now back to the "up all night ~ sleep all day" routine that I have had for most of my adult life. I think I just have to face the fact that this is my bodies natural clock and I will probably never change. I am actually quite comfortable with this schedule really. It's just society that tells me it's wrong and I have to change it. This actually irritates me no end. I mean, I can't be the only person in the world who is a natural night owl. There must me hundreds,... thousands of us. Why can't you all just leave us be and let us go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at noon. Maybe I should ask the rest of the world to change to MY schedule. Let them see how difficult it is to change a lifetime of habit.
I'm already having problems with medication too. Before I went into hospital I was on a lot of drugs. Seroquel, cipralex, lorazapam,.... in differing dosages over the past 5 years. The highest being 800 mg of Seroquel. (tranquillizing!!!) But now they have me on ONLY 100 mg of Seroquel and NOTHING else. At first this felt good. Wonderful even. But after 6 weeks I am starting to see some problems. ONE,... I can't fall asleep anymore. I'm sleeping very little which is leaving me exhausted. Dragging myself through each day. And TWO,... The fibromyalgia pain has come back with a vengeance. For years I was so medicated and numbed out that the pain was masked. Now that the medications are gone, the pain has returned. It's excruciating. Now I remember why I loved being so zoned out on my meds!!
I also can't afford medication. (I don't have a health plan of any kind) and for the past few years my doctors were giving me samples from the drug reps. But when I left the hospital last Friday I was given a one week supply of my Seroquel (100mg) which runs out today. I was given a prescription for it but when I took it in to the pharmacist I was told it would be $200.00 Are you kidding me???? I don't even pretend to have that kind of money. So I had them cancel it. So now, it looks like I will be on no meds! Now I have a stock-pile of Seroquel hidden away (as every good psychiatric patient usually does,...) but they are 400mg tablets. Here's the dilemma. Do I take no meds? or 400 mg a day of Seroquel? (4 times my prescibed dose). And then when this stockpile runs out what do I do? I'm very, very frustrated right now about the whole medication issue. I'm ready to pack it all in and go "No Meds" and just say to hell with it all. I know I'll eventually crash and get really sick again but,... well,.. you tell me the answer,.... My family doctor will not prescribe anything to me until she gets the hospital report back and even then I can't afford what she will prescibe anyway. It's all a huge mess.
And I'm also frustrated because the psychiatrist I'm to see can't get me in until November. NOVEMBER? Seriously? I just got out of a psychiatric hospital for trying to kill myself! And now they're asking me to just sit tight for 2 and a half months before I get any care. I hate this system. The hospital smothered me in care and then spit me out leaving me to fend for myself all of a sudden. I can tell you right now that is not going to work. I already feel abandoned and afraid.
Anyway, I will stop here as what was suppose to start off as a nice calm entry into letting everyone know how I'm doing since I got out of the hospital has turned into a frustrated rant. probably not that exciting for people to read. I guess I'm more upset than I thought.