Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Seeking out the humour

The past week has been a struggle of wanting to get better but not finding it easy so pushing myself to do what I need to do to "move up" instead of down.
Since I got out of  "the Bin" (I love this term I learned from all my British twitter friends) I have wanted to get well. And for the most part I have been doing much better. The one thing I've noticed in particular is my need for humour. Suddenly I want to watch funny TV shows and movies whereas before I would want to wallow in "mental" or sad movies. I loved to be triggered into my comfort zone of depression. But now,... all I want is humour. I can't get enough. This has to be a good sign. It certainly has me smiling and laughing which has been non-existent for a very long time. People around me have definitely noticed.
But I'm still struggling with sleep issues. Nothing new there. Probably always will struggle with this. So in the past week I have not been able to get up when the alarm goes off. Therefore, I have missed my groups this week. (There were only 3 but still, I really should have gone to them). This has me worried that I am slipping right back to where I was before.
So, I have decided that I am not going to beat myself up about the "up all night ~ sleep till noon" pattern as it causes me way too much guilt and shame and anxiety. I am going to let this issue go. It's just too difficult to change and right now I don't have the energy to put into working on it. But I will work on everything else I have learned. I will get out every single day (If only for a walk). I will continue seeking out humorous TV to keep myself laughing. I will call at least one friend or family member a week (I never called anyone before ~ I hated using the phone and never answered it) I think If I can work on these things, then maybe the rest will just fall into place and I will feel so much better.
Think Positive! Think Happy! Think Humour!

Monday, September 26, 2011

depression day

I seem to be struggling today. I'm so disappointed in myself. I have been trying really hard to do everything I have been told from all the doctors and therapists in the hospital. I've been out of hospital for 3 weeks now and for most of that I had accomplished a lot.
But I can feel myself slipping. I am slowly reverting back to the way I was before I went into the hospital. I had a therapy group appointment this morning at 11:00am. But I went to bed way too late (3'ish) and therefore I just couldn't get out of bed in time this morning. In the end, after trying to wake up I just turned off the alarm and rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30pm this afternoon. Big, fat, FAIL!!!!
I feel guilty for letting people down. And that guilt just lead to me feeling depressed. I am a loser,.... that is what has been rumbling around in my head all day. You can't even do the simplest of things like getting up in the morning!!! How stupid are you??? And so my mood has spiralled down, down, down,....
I know I harp on and on about my sleeping problems on here to the point of boredom. But I just don't understand it. Why do I need to stay up half the night and sleep half the day? It seems to be my natural clock and I know it will never change. I fight it but I never win.
So today I am taking a "depressed" day for myself. I am going to just stay inside and watch TV and do nothing else. Depression,... you really have destroyed my life.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Been out of Hospital for a week

I have been out of hospital for exactly one week today. But already I am slipping back into my old life.

Although I really tried to get my sleeping habits back on track, I found it too hard. So I am now back to the "up all night ~ sleep all day" routine that I have had for most of my adult life. I think I just have to face the fact that this is my bodies natural clock and I will probably never change. I am actually quite comfortable with this schedule really. It's just society that tells me it's wrong and I have to change it. This actually irritates me no end. I mean, I can't be the only person in the world who is a natural night owl. There must me hundreds,... thousands of us. Why can't you all just leave us be and let us go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at noon. Maybe I should ask the rest of the world to change to MY schedule. Let them see how difficult it is to change a lifetime of habit.

I'm already having problems with medication too. Before I went into hospital I was on a lot of drugs. Seroquel, cipralex, lorazapam,.... in differing dosages over the past 5 years. The highest being 800 mg of Seroquel. (tranquillizing!!!) But now they have me on ONLY 100 mg of Seroquel and NOTHING else. At first this felt good. Wonderful even. But after 6 weeks I am starting to see some problems. ONE,... I can't fall asleep anymore. I'm sleeping very little which is leaving me exhausted. Dragging myself through each day. And TWO,... The fibromyalgia pain has come back with a vengeance. For years I was so medicated and numbed out that the pain was masked. Now that the medications are gone, the pain has returned. It's excruciating. Now I remember why I loved being so zoned out on my meds!!

I also can't afford medication. (I don't have a health plan of any kind) and for the past few years my doctors were giving me samples from the drug reps. But when I left the hospital last Friday I was given a one week supply of my Seroquel (100mg) which runs out today. I was given a prescription for it but when I took it in to the pharmacist I was told it would be $200.00 Are you kidding me???? I don't even pretend to have that kind of money. So I had them cancel it. So now, it looks like I will be on no meds! Now I have a stock-pile of Seroquel hidden away (as every good psychiatric patient usually does,...) but they are 400mg tablets. Here's the dilemma. Do I take no meds? or 400 mg a day of Seroquel? (4 times my prescibed dose). And then when this stockpile runs out what do I do? I'm very, very frustrated right now about the whole medication issue. I'm ready to pack it all in and go "No Meds" and just say to hell with it all. I know I'll eventually crash and get really sick again but,... well,.. you tell me the answer,.... My family doctor will not prescribe anything to me until she gets the hospital report back and even then I can't afford what she will prescibe anyway. It's all a huge mess.
And I'm also frustrated because the psychiatrist I'm to see can't get me in until November. NOVEMBER? Seriously? I just got out of a psychiatric hospital for trying to kill myself! And now they're asking me to just sit tight for 2 and a half months before I get any care. I hate this system. The hospital smothered me in care and then spit me out leaving me to fend for myself all of a sudden. I can tell you right now that is not going to work. I already feel abandoned and afraid.
Anyway, I will stop here as what was suppose to start off as a nice calm entry into letting everyone know how I'm doing since I got out of the hospital has turned into a frustrated rant. probably not that exciting for people to read. I guess I'm more upset than I thought.