Sunday, July 17, 2011

Yes it was a silly thing to do,...

I'm still not feeling well today. And I know why. I'm the only one who does. Last Monday I did something. I have been struggling so much with my depression and worthlessness over such a long time now. I just couldn't bear it any longer. I have OD'd a few times in the past but it has never worked. I was either found, didn't take the right meds or threw up. So I knew something had to be done differently. I decided that I would take an OD of Tylenol. But, having worked in a medical office I know a lot about this drug. It has a delayed effect. It enters your system and then (if not thrown up or forced to go to hospital for anti-dote or charcoal) it will take up to a week to do the damage to your body. By that time it would be too late to fix. Problem was, I didn't know how many "too many" was going to have to be. I knew I needed to not throw up so I came up with the plan to take 3 every hour for the whole day. And I did until I got to 21. By that time I was so nauseous that I couldn't move from my chair. I couldn't even get water down anymore without feeling like I was going to throw up so I stopped at 21. (wanted to take lots more but I physically couldn't because of the nausea) In the end it obviously wasn't enough because it hasn't done anything to my body. Well, except make me feel completely nauseous for the past 6 days. It has steadily gotten better over the course of this week so that today I just feel 'unwell'.
I'm not going to lie. I am disappointed. I wished I had died. But I can assure you. I won't be doing anything like that again. The nausea has been unbearable and now I realize the whole plan itself was flawed and stupid.
I told my brother (who dropped by a few days ago) that I guess my new medication isn't agreeing with me ~ hence the nausea. He bought it and is none the wiser to my silly fiasco.
My body has now healed. My depression has not. I called the Psych centre where I am waiting for a first appointment (assessment) and told them that I was struggling ~ a lot ~ and that I needed to speak with someone soon. They managed to get me an appointment for July 19th. A week and a half away. So I guess all that I have to do now is just sit tight until then. (I promise you all reading this I will not try to commit suicide) I will not admit to anyone I did this though as I do have an intense fear and hatred of the hospital and as mentioned in my blog before I can't leave my apt as there really isn't anyone to take care of my cat or bills or stuff. I always do much better at home. The hospital just causes me a lot of undue stress and anxiety. I've been admitted 6 or 7 times in the past 15 years and i never felt it ever helped me.
So right now I am just staying in my apartment. I am NOT going to hurt myself. I am just going to sit it out until my appointment. I feel numb and depressed and worthless. I am struggling to do even the simplest of everyday chores. But I think if I can just get up everyday,.. have a shower everyday,... and just stay safe everyday I will be fine. At least I know now that help is just around the corner.
I will be fine.

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