Thursday, July 28, 2011

struggling to see the point

Despite yesterdays upbeat post I am still struggling tonight. I think I was on a kind of high all day yesterday as i was so pleased to finally have someone validate how I feel and that I don't have bipolar. But when i woke up this morning, reality set in. OK,... I don't have bipolar. But I still have a lot of issues and I am still mentally ill.
My depression is so severe I cannot function anymore. I don't even want to.
Then there was the woman telling me that she is certain I have deep-seeded trauma that has yet to surface which is causing my depression and agoraphobia and anxiety. I really don't remember anything.
I was adopted when I was 2. I lived the real "Leave it to Beaver" lifestyle. My parents were loving, never fought, never drank, we went to Church every Sunday. I tried telling this woman that I think shes wrong but she swears that something went wrong somewhere in my life.
That leaves before my adoption. I was born to an 18 yr old who lived for drugs and alcohol. I lived in the family home with Grandma ~ who was a prostitute and alcoholic.... with Mom who was a prostitute and alcoholic and drug addict.... and with 7 Aunts and Uncles who were WILD. Grandma didn't have a hope in hell of controlling any of them. So,... OK,....maybe this woman is right. Maybe bad things did happen to me in my first 2 years of life in my biological home.
But here's the thing. Can you really be so affected by trauma you don't even remember happened? I was a baby and remember NOTHING. Could I still be subconsciously feeling the affects?
She says "definitely". So she has agreed to have me come to her once a week and we are going to get to the bottom of this. Trouble is,... I don't have the energy. It sounds like a lot of painful stuff could come up and quite frankly I am just too depressed right now to care or work at it. I'm done.
She told me I need to look up "Emotion regulation developmental trauma" on the Internet. Emotion,... what???? Never heard of it. It makes me wonder if these doctors and counselors really know what they are doing or are they digging for stuff that just isn't there. I can't decide. Maybe I'm just too frightened to even go there. Maybe nothing happened at all.
Regardless of all that......
I have a different problem tonight. (Or should I say this morning as it is after 1:00am now) I have given up. I just feel so sad and depressed and worthless that I just can't decide whether I even want to bother anymore. I'm just so tired of it all. Exhausted from the daily struggle just to get out of bed and have a shower. I just don't see the point to it all anymore.
I think I need to have a good long sleep tonight. But unfortuantely I have insomnia. For three nights now I just cant fall asleep. I don't have any meds to take to make me sleep either. I'm at the point where I want to smack my head with a 2 x 4 just to knock me out so I can get some rest. (Don't worry, won't actually do that....) I guess it's another night of warm milk,... melatonin,... relaxation CD...and graval. And to lie awake in bed hour after hour wishing my mind would just STOP and let me sleep. My doctor stopped my anxiety meds two weeks ago and I don't think I'm adjusting well not having them. I have been taking them for years so for her to just stop them all of sudden I think has screwed up my body and sleep. Maybe in a few weeks my body will adjust and I'll start sleeping better.

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