Thursday, June 23, 2011


Progress? I think so,... not sure,...
After my disappointing intake phone call where I was told my appointment wouldn't be until August 30th I really went downhill. I literally cried with the frustration of it all. The next morning I made an appointment with my new GP. They tried to give me an app't in a weeks time but I insisted it was urgent and so they miraculously found me an app't that day.
I went in to her and I told her everything. I didn't hold back anything except that my suicidal thoughts were also urges and plans. I knew if I told her that I would end up in the hospital and that is the last thing I could cope with right now. So i just said I had suicidal thoughts. (I'm getting to know how doctors work now,... NEVER say your planning!)
She sat up and took notice.
I told her I didn't think my medication (Seroquel XR 400mg and Lorazapam) were doing a blind bit of good as I was still very depressed and this bout of it has now lasted for nearly 3 years. I tried getting across to her just how badly I have slipped and how deeply I have succumbed into this illness.
So she wrote me a prescription for Cipralex (only 10mg) and Clonazepam (only .25mg) and she assured me the clonazepam would only be for 4 weeks. No repeats at all. Ok,... obviously she has now read my chart from my past doctors and knows about my prescription medication overdose history. In fact,... she even asked for the bottle of my Lorazapam back as it still had about a dozen pills left in it. Oh oh,... This doctor is not going to be a pushover with meds. Damn. In fact,... she is extremely cautious and has told me she will not write any repeats if I use them all up before the prescription runs out. So no hoarding pills for "just in case"
I know in my head that this is a very good thing and shes actually being a great doctor. But I have always needed a stockpile of meds put aside "just in case" It comforts me to know it is there. I NEED that out. Now there is no way I will be able to have that. It makes me slightly unsettled. So unsettled that I have actually been getting desperate enough to start thinking of looking for illegal pills on the street. How on earth I would even know where to look or who to go to I have no idea. But I just feel like I need that "safety net" Yes,... I am a desperate girl right now. But I really do want to have some xanax or lorazapam or some other anxiety med to take when I get so "buzzy" I can't stand it. Doctors just don't seem to understand how horrible it is to be so anxious you can't concentrate because your mind is just too full and won't stop 'thinking'. All I can think of right now is how am I going to get my hands on anxiety meds??????
It seems ridiculous for a 47 yr old lady to be wandering the streets looking to find someone who looks like they might have a pharmacy under their jacket. But thats how desperate I am feeling. I think on top of my depression my anxiety is getting out of control or I wouldn't be thinking these ludacrous thoughts of "I must find meds ~ anywhere!"
The only good thing to come out of it all is that she is calling the Tr***s Mental Health Services herself to ask them to please get me in asap rather than two and a half MONTHS from now. I won't hold my breath but I am pleased that I finally got through to someone that I just can't take this depression and anxiety anymore and need help.
Time will tell how soon I get it,....

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