Friday, June 17, 2011

numb and flat

Feeling bad today. I knew the moment I woke up is wasn't going to go well. I was suppose to go to my sister-in-laws fathers funeral today but didn't. I just wasn't up to it. I feel so fragile mentally that I knew I just couldn't face a crowd of people I didn't know. (The only people I would know would be busy and wouldn't be able to 'caudle' me) I as very sad and tearful. My depression all consuming. There was just no way i was going to be able to 'fake it' today. So I did what i absolutely didn't want to do. I called my brother and said I wasn't well and that I wouldn't be able to go. He seemed fine about it (But was he really?) I, on the other hand, was NOT fine about it. I was upset and disappointed in myself for being so weak and fragile.
But really,... there was no way I was ever going to cope with that stress today. I really wasn't up to it.
I wanted to take a bunch of seroquel to pass me out. Yes,... self medicate. Knock me out so I didn't have to be in the world for awhile. But I wasn't sure if my daughter was coming up to visit me or not. (The one that's been in the hospital) She said if she got out today then she would drive out here to visit with me Saturday. But I never heard from her. After finally phoning her Dad I found out she did get out of hospital but she wouldn't be coming out to visit with me. My heart fell. I guess I hadn't realized how much I was hoping she would. The disappointment made me want to self-harm. But I didn't. Instead I spent the day on the couch watching show after show after show. Mindlessly doing nothing. My mind sad and depressed and flat.
I want to disintegrate into nothing.
I just don't want to be here anymore.
Right now it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm still awake. Once I post this I am going to try to get some sleep. But I don't look forward to tomorrow. Or any other day for that matter. It's just going to be another day of hating myself. Feeling worthless. Feeling depressed. feeling alone. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

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