Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I want to, but I didn't,...

Today was really really hard. I went to see my daughter in the psych ward. I didn't realize how hard that was going to be for me. I was so intent on just getting there so I could see my daughter that I forgot about all the times that I had been in there myself and the horrible memories that entailed. It was quite unnerving. While I sat there talking to her in the common area, I found myself quite anxious and agitated and every fibre of my being just wanted to get up and run out. To check that I wasn't locked in and that I could leave at any time because I was the visitor and not the patient. But I put all that aside so I could be there for my daughter.
The good news is she wasn't mad at me and we had a good talk. It would have killed me if she wouldn't have seen me. But thank God she did and it looks as if things are good between us once again. Of course nothing was mentioned about the car repair money or the email my ex sent me as it obviously wasn't the time or place to get into all that. Instead she told me how shes been feeling the past few weeks and how she actually told her Dad to bring her to hospital because she wasn't feeling safe. We talked about her diagnoses she was given (alcohol/drug use ~ bipolar ~ depression and anorexic tendencies) She is ME when I was her age! I was exactly the same as her when I was 20. That really bothered me. It just reminded me that I am the one who has given her the "mentally unwell" gene. I know in my head it isnt' really my fault. But in my heart I feel really, really guilty.
She asked how I was doing and I didn't lie. I told her I have been feeling fragile over the past few weeks and I should probably be in hospital right along side her but I refuse to be honest with my doctor as I can't go into hospital. I live alone and theres no one to look after things if I go into hospital for a few weeks. I need to pay bills, feed my cat,.... Yes, they are real problems but we all know the real reason is I just can't bear to be "LOCKED UP"  Just typing the words gives me a chill up my spine. Being in a locked ward totally freaks me out. So I will do anything not to be admitted.
Anyway,... (starting to ramble on a bit there)
I am still feeling fragile and anxious and depressed. When I finally got home all I wanted to do was self-harm and self medicate. I wanted to take so many pills that it would have knocked me out for a week so I could just leave my mind. I wanted to take so many pills I may never wake up at all.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I have a sick daughter in hospital in crisis herself. I need to be there for her. I have a sister-in-law who's father just died yesterday so I have to attend that funeral on Friday. In other words, I have to be sober and conscious to meet my responsibilities this week.
But it was soooooooo hard! I just want to feel that soft and fuzzy world where everything slowly gets hazy and my mind finally stops going round and round. I want to drift off into a land of nothingness. To feel no more pain or stress or anxiety,.... To just not feel at all,....
But I won't. As much as my body is crying out to self harm (cut) and numb my brain,... I won't.
It's going to be a really long night,....

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